Hopes and Dreams

At tonight's bible study, the leader asked us about our heart's desires. I came home wondering, "What are my heart's desire?"  The first thing I could think of was being used for a godly purpose. Then I saw Ken's face in my thoughts. I used to think that my future would involve him. He has almost completely gone on with his life.  I don't blame him. Who would want to be with someone who is so angry? Anger isn't my heart's desire. I want to get past the anger I feel about my situation with Ken. I want to get past the anger over all the abuse my children had to endure. I want to get past the disappointment that Ken still refuses to take anger management classes so we can go home. I think my son has moved on. Why can't I? 

I want God to protect my children from everything, but His glory. If its for His glory and their good then go for it Lord. I know He knows best and my desire is that they know Him best, too.

I know I am not called to be single, yet I can't seem to get it right. I am waiting, Lord. I am listening.. I am open to receive only those things and people which you have placed in my life.

All of my longings and heart's desires are laying at the throne of your unimaginable grace, Father.

Discouraged

The house is cold and it seems every board moans from the wind's pushing. Its an eerie sensation to sit at my desk, when no one else is here, and just be still. I enjoy this kind of stillness when life seems to be going well. However, on days like today, when I have yet another challenge I am facing; the stillness is overwhelmingly quiet and I feel devastatingly alone, abandoned, isolated, forgotten.

I realize that everyone on the planet is facing a challenge of one kind or another today. I'm not the only one. I remember Job, from the bible, who was afflicted with all manner of grief. I am amazed that he was able to hold on to his integrity and not curse God and die.

I feel so discouraged today, but I want to be like Job. I want to be still before God and allow Him to be enough for all of my needs. So, I prayed before I started to blog asking God to get beyond my brokenness and emotion and be enough in my life.

(I am going to digress a bit to say that I noticed in the book of Job as I was searching its pages for strength and hope; that Job "took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it". Does this mean he intentionally injured himself? Does it mean he tried to commit suicide? If anyone knows the answer to this question, please let me know. Its in Job 2:7-9.)


I'm so discouraged! I don't know what to do other than pray and ask God to help me. I recall reading in the bible one day about the heart becoming sick when there is no hope. My heart feels sick today. Its oozing and puss-filled and infected and in need of life support. I don't want to lose hope. It just seems that these hard struggles in my life have gone on and on and on. I'm weary. I want to run away to a far place and live in exile. However, this desire contradicts directly with the way God has gifted me. I naturally move towards people because I want to help them. However, I'm rarely a blessing to anyone. Good intentions are rarely enough to make a difference.

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior" (Hab 3:17-18).I don't feel like rejoicing. I feel like I just want to stop breathing and I certainly do not want to sit still in this old and creaking house. I could easily go out and get myself into trouble, but this isn't what God wants for my life.

I am doing what Job did when he asked God to teach him when he couldn't see. I am holding on to the faith I have and trying to get beyond the wave of overwhelming emotion that tells me I just need to do whatever I can to stop the hurt. In my mind, I know that God is always bigger than Satan's afflictions. But, my heart says it isn't true and that it just wants to cease beating. I am ready to say "when".

Alas, I know that all of these experiences are tests in my life to see if I really trust God. I do. I just don't want to feel hurt any more. I guess that contradicts me "saying" I trust God. I know that my desire to avoid further pain in my life is such a bondage. Sadly, when you experience deep hurt as a very young child, sometimes it sticks you there. Does that make sense? If you look at pain on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being where most "normal" people live and 10 being someone that has just been raped, I tend to live at a 4 or 5 most of the time. I wake up there and I go to sleep there. Like a cancer that no one can see, but that is very real nonetheless. You can imagine how quickly I can go from a 4 or 5 to a 10. I am tired of living in 10. I am exhausted of the difficult times not ending. They drag on and on and on and just when I think my time has come I feel like the rug is literally pulled out from under me and I am left bleeding on the floor. Today, I hear God telling me to get off the floor and keep moving. I think he is saying that there are people depending on me, but I just want to stay on the floor until I no longer feel my heart racing and until I am no longer able to take in another breath. I have been praying Isaiah 61 for a friend of mine for several months now. Today, it is I, myself, who is in need of Isaiah 61. The truth is I really just want to go home. God didn't create me to be a single mother. I feel incomplete without my husband. My heart feels sick. 

"He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners - to comfort all who mourn. ... a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" (Isa 61:1-3).

I pray that God would bind up my broken heart and help me to be able to praise because right now I feel overcome by a spirit of despair. Will I ever be able to live above life's problems?

We All Have Sinned

Tonight one of my pastors admitted to having an affair with a church member. He and his wife will be leaving our church. We really all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.  As I was praying for the pastor and his wife, I was also praying that God would fix the mess of my life too.

Matthew 7:5 You hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of your own eye; and then shall you see clearly to cast out the mote out of your brother's eye.

Jeremiah 29:13
And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

We have spent too much time seeking the sin in others. Its time to seek God. Its time for the rain to come.

VBS

We have vacation bible school this week and I am praising God for a chance to get out of the house and have something productive to do. My oldest, Alexander, is one of the small group leaders this year. This will be his very first experience doing something like this. I am very proud of him. He told me it was fun and also frustrating as some of the kids (including his little brother) do not do what he tells them to do. Although, he did say he wants to do this again next year so I guess the positive outweighs the negative. I was also able to help out a bit and those of you that know me know that this is truly where I am the happiest. I love to volunteer at church. I think they are going to be able to put me to work in the morning again. Woo hoo!!

Alexander also had his insulin pump put in today. All was well until earlier this evening when he had some sort of anxiety moment. He just wanted to rip the thing out of his abdomen and go back to shots. We ended up paging the doctor and she was able to talk him into keeping the thing in his belly. I guess this is a fairly common thing. She explained it takes a while to get used to the pump. Nevertheless, its such an amazing blessing that we were able to get this piece of equipment for Alex, I can't even begin to tell you.

Ken asked to come over today and we were all so happy to see him. I wish he could understand how not well we are without him. Still, he says he is too busy to go see the counselor or attend the anger management classes. The kids and I just want things to be well enough for us to go home. He went with us on a walk, helped with bath time, and bedtime, and then went home. It was brief and very scheduled, but went well and Isaiah had his positive time with dad which is what he really needed. He went to bed so content with his needs met and love tank full and NO RAGES. He was asleep by 9pm.

Alex, on the other hand, is still wide awake. He is watching "Second Hand Lions". Its one of the few DVDs we brought from the other house. I know he is still really anxious about falling asleep with the pump hanging out of his belly. Its hard to be twelve and have so much to deal with. After this weekend, he had started to pick at his scabs and was a bloody mess again. Its really hard to know how to balance everyone's needs. Ken's needs, the children's needs, and maintain peace and some semblance of normalcy.

Its really a heavy cross I find myself carrying these days. I was telling a friend at church today that my main problem is that I continually find myself with, not just a root of bitterness, but a giant oak tree of bitterness in my heart. I feel angry, hurt, and bitter towards my husband. It makes me be nasty and hateful.  I think this makes the cross I carry so much heavier. Would you pray with me that God would deliver me from this bitterness? Jesus says his burden is easy and his yoke is light. I claim his promise today for my life and the life of my children. I pray his grace over our life that it would just rain over us today.. over all of us.

Rages Return

Ken spent a majority of the weekend with us.

The kids want him with us, ask me to invite him over, and yet they (especially Isaiah) become so discombobulated in response to Ken's lack of boundaries and my excessive ones. He spends his time ignoring the children's disrespect towards him and then blowing up when he can't take anymore. I spend my time trying to parent all three of them. I know Ken looks to me to tell him what to do and resents me for doing it all at the same time. I do not want to parent anyone taller than myself any longer. I refuse to do it. I'm tired and I feel like I'm all out of grace. I want someone to come parent me. No one has ever done that before. Really. Not my mother. Not my father. I can already hear someone in the back row saying Jesus is your parent. Yeah, I get that and I get that its easy for those that had "flesh" parents to say that. But, it would be cool to have a "flesh" parent for a while. I guess my friend Liz, even tho' we are really close in age, has come close to that. She and her husband aren't afraid to love me enough to tell me when I'm making a mistake with my kids or to call me on something I'm doing wrong. I need more of those kinds of friends. I have a couple other friends that I don't see very often that whenever I do speak to them just ooze words of wisdom. When you haven't been parented by "flesh" parents you need more of those kinds of wise friends.

Isaiah is raging again. He finally fell asleep and then I sent a very frustrated Ken home earlier today. He made it clear to me this weekend that he really wants to do everything that Pastor Mike and the counselor want him to do. He wants to attend anger management and he wants to go to counseling. However, its just too much for him to do. All he can do right now is work on his relationship with the boys. I really appreciated this time of honesty. He had been telling me that his weekly bible study was an anger management class, but the man that leads it told me that wasn't true. Pastor Mike told me the weekly bible study is Ken moving on with his life. And again he said, "It doesn't sound like he wants to be married."   For whatever reason, what our counselor wants Ken to do to get us back together is more than he is willing to do. It hurt so much to realize I am not worth fighting for. Our children aren't worth fighting for. Our family isn't worth keeping together. I am thankful that he had the courage to tell me exactly what I needed to hear. Done. I am so angry about being abandoned in this way. But, the truth is I am more hurt. This was the one person I thought would always be there for me. Its been so easy for him to just walk away.

I must say that this evening was going to be a scary time of trying to figure out what to do with the kids and trying to keep myself from crying and going into those "OH MY what am I going to do moments of panic". But, thankfully as she has done a zillion times since this whole mess started my pastor and his wife have asked us to come over. I can't even begin to say how thankful I am for people who won't let us fall through the cracks. I think we would have fallen in the crack and have been left for dead by now were it now for this wonderful family. So, as soon as my little rager wakes up we will head over there.

Alexander gets his insulin pump in tomorrow. We now have two insurance plans so I won't have a copayment. Praise God.

I guess its time to seriously start praying about a job. On the health scene, I'm eating and have gained a pound. It was inevitable. I'm no longer feeling like I am going to pass out when I get up too fast though. I think I'll probably go back to a significantly reduced caloric intake again next week, but probably just every other day kind of thing. Still trying to figure out a way to manage this food addiction thing. There has to be a way to not sin with food and not starve. Lord show me the way.

Water Blessings

Its so hard to blog lately because I feel that I fall too easily in sharing all the negative. I feel overwhelmed with the negative. I'm not sure why I can't seem to pull myself up and look at this situation in a more positive light. Just this morning I found myself awake at a ridiculous hour paralysed with fear over all the things I need to do and found myself sick with worry. I worry about all the things I need to do in the next few weeks like getting a job is the huge one, but I can't even start that until the kids are almost in school...until then I just have to hold on. Going back to school and getting a degree is the next, otherwise I'll never be able to support these kids on my own.

But, even the small things that I need to do in the next few hours are enough to send me to the restroom hurling. And again I just have to say to the universe, because I'm certain at times that God is sick of hearing it (although I really know he is not) that I really didn't want to find myself being a single parent again. I don't want to be a single parent!! I want to go home. Okay, that was my pity party for the day. Because God did a really cool thing for us today.

In the middle of my feeling sick not knowing what I would do with my children today, I get the bright idea to call my mother and ask her for her pool card. (I haven't been able to get the property management people to give me my pool card.) Those of you that have heard my rants about my relationship with my mom know that she doesn't relinquish anything very easily. I'm still not completely over the shock, but the kids and I have something to do that doesn't cost any money. And the boys and I had a blast swimming at the pool. We actually have two very lovely pools where we can go and pretend we have no cares in life and for at least a couple of hours we don't have any cares. This is a bigger blessing than anyone can even begin to understand. Thank you God for showing me that you really were listening to me by softening my mother's heart to my request.

Ken called earlier and asked if he could take the kids to Old Settlers where they are having some Frisbee Golf thing and then fireworks. It works out perfectly since I have a bible study usually on Fridays. I haven't done the lesson;although, I've picked up the book probably a dozen times this week. I'm not really sure why my brain can't seem to focus on anything. I can't pray without my mind drifting. I can't read without becoming distracted. Ah...Worry? That I can do without any distraction. Except at the pool. Something about water that makes it impossible to think of anything unpleasant.

Fluffy Heads

Isaiah didn't have any difficulty at bedtime either. Alexander spent the evening with Lizzie last night and it was just my fluffy and me. We watched his favorite football movie and ate salads. I was going to let him stay up late with me and then have a "sleep over" but he became tired and announced he thought it was bedtime and wanted to go to his own room. Having the books in his bed seems to really help soothe him so we did that again. At about 4 AM he woke up with what seemed to be the beginnings of his usual angry tantrums. But I went through the steps to calm him and he was okay. I need to talk to Mrs. Ray about finding steps to calm me. I totally understand how rages can trigger a rage in a parent. In myself, I feel like I could almost pass out at times. My heart races and I just feel physically ill. I felt this way last night. I just felt so panicked that it was going to happen again. But, it didn't happen and Isaiah went back to bed.

At Ms. Judy's recommendation (Alexander's therapist), Ken took the foster kids for a few days. They come home tonight. I'm anxious about them coming home as the boys have been doing so well. At the same time, I know Brie hasn't been doing so well. She is okay, but I know she has been asking for me. They are supposed to go to their forever home next week. We learned last week that Beau has further neurological/occupational problems and Karley has strabismus. I am praying that this doesn't affect their placement. This family had originally felt that our foster children might be too much for them, but then changed their mind. I hope this news about Beaus prognosis doesn't scare them away. These are actually really good kids and are easy kids. I'm still trying to figure out why they triggered my family in such an awful way. I think my friend Lizzie hit the nail on the head. She told me this week that she thinks when they arrived they triggered the boys' post-traumatic stress and reminded Isaiah of all the trauma, drama, and circumstances surrounding our very difficult former foster care placement we had a couple of years ago. I think all of my family went into some sort of psychological break-down. Each of us responding in different ways with some, obviously, more severe than others. Isaiah's increase in rages and the severity of his rages, I think, sent everyone into a tailspin. These little foster kids never had a chance in this home, under these conditions. Makes you kind of wonder, what was the point of them ever being here? I've been asking that question a lot about so many things in my life, "What was the point?" I'm sure there is a point mind you. And I'm sure that one day I'll get it and that for now I just have to keep surrendering all the things God keeps showing me are in my life that he doesn't want there. For today, I have to surrender anger, bitterness, and fear each time it sticks its ugly head into my life. Its been helping Isaiah to treat the anger as not a part of himself but something that is separate from him. I think I'm going to try that with these emotions that keep threatening my relationship with God and everyone around me.

I need to get moving. I have to go pick up my other fluffy head. I must say I'm over my sleep over anxiety. Praise God. I think Alexander is as well. Hard to believe my family is making progress.. so much to heal still but we are healing slowly. Well off to coffee at Lizzies... Isaiah will be really excited to see his friend Kayla who is supposed to be there. Crazy how well he gets along with ALL OTHER children except the ones that live in his home.

God is good always. (Its good the way God sneaks in friends to remind you of that fact just when you need to be reminded.) Have a good day everyone.

Terrors

Israel called today to check on the children. He was surprised to learn that Ken was at our house. I always feel strange when I run into people that know about my situation and they see me with Ken or when we happen to show up at church together to do the kid "exchange". I get these strange looks or people saying they thought we were separated.

The fact still remains that he is the father of my children. The legal father of Isaiah and the father of Alexander since he was three-years-old. Tonight, Alexander, himself, asked if Ken could "spend the night". Most people wouldn't understand that dynamic at all, but while Alex is experiencing a sense of relief he is also going through loss, guilt, and he is missing his father, too. He is missing the good things he experienced with Ken. I wasn't meant to live my life without Ken.

I am sure God never meant for my life to take such a sour turn. I was meant to stay home and change diapers and cook dinners and wipe snotty noses. I wasn't meant to lay in a bed by myself, staring at the whirling fan wondering what is to become of my life. So panicked at times that I really think my own heart is going to pounce right out of my chest. Do you recall that sensation when you think you see a rat or spider or whatever other creature causes you terror? It seems to start at the tip of your toes and works its way all the way up to the top of your head creating instant paralysis! You try to move, but for several seconds you seem frozen in place. This is exactly how I feel in my life. Stuck in the moment and not really sure which direction I should go. I realize that I can't move in any direction as the kids have to start school before I can even consider working, but worry nonetheless I must. Most nights the terror is too much all I can do is just cry out "JESUS!!" over and over again just so I can get to sleep.

I keep thinking my husband is going to call and tell me he has a letter from an anger management counselor saying we can go home. Mike keeps telling me, "He obviously doesn't want to be married." I hate to hear that. I can't imagine why he would want to be married to me with all of my issues and all of these traumatized children. But, we were supposed to be married forever.  Its been so easy for him to walk away.

I am trying to truly take one day at a time and let next month take care of itself. I'm sure God will show me what He wants me to do.

Blogging When I Should Be Loading the Van

I had a really hard time sleeping last night. Ken wanted to go out to eat last night. He really didn't want to do much moving and Karlita didn't want to remove her velcro self from my leg. When daddy said restaurant she lit up like a lightning bug. So, off to the restaurant we went. I found out that cheese sauce over broccoli will cause her to eat the darn broccoli. To think I've struggled to get her to eat veggies for months now when I could have just pulled out the velveta. Sigh. Why do I fight the processed foods so much? Who cares if the kids eat gasoline? I'm only half kidding here. Last night my legs hurt so badly I could not sleep. Its been months since I felt that kind of pain. Its good to experience that every once in a while as it helps to remind me to be thankful. I feel so thankful this morning as the pain has lessened, but I'm exhausted. The girls are still asleep and Beau is at school. I should be loading the van to take things to the house. I'm not sure how Karley will wake up. I don't know if it will be a moving morning or a cuddle on the couch morning.

I'm not sure Ken will be open to it but I think I am going to rent a truck from Home Depot and see if he will bring the beds over tonight. We really need to just move in to the new house. The new house needs a washer, dryer, and refrigerator. Ken said he saw a few on Craigslist that said they'd deliver and said he'd find me some that would deliver this evening. I want to say that I am trusting in God to work it out, but the reality is that I woke up feeling I was going to throw up. We have the money budgeted for this expense. Its just having to find the items in the budget and then figure out how to get them to the house. Its really not the end of the world. I'm not sure why I feel this tremendous anxiety. Perhaps its because the boys come home tomorrow. I thought blogging would make me feel better, but its just making me feel like I'm wasting time. I'm getting off and going to see if my mother will come over with her truck. My dear mother really and truly means well but each time she comes over she leaves a deposit on my soul. She says things to me like, "I knew your husband was no good. I don't know how you could ever share your bed with that black man." Really. She doesn't realize this makes me wonder how she feels about my son and it makes me just wish my heart would stop beating. Yesterday she said something about at least I'm losing weight so I'll have a chance of finding something else and then she went "shopping" in my house and let me know what item of furniture she was going to be taking from my house. I don't have it in me to stop her from taking this item of furniture because to tell the truth she has been a huge help to me moving things over to the other house. She is a ridiculously strong woman. When we were growing up she moved most of our things herself. She was a compulsive mover. We moved every six months all of our childhood. She also has said lots of really positive things like, "You are going to be okay." And she's told me that if she did it on her own that I can do it on my own as well. The problem is that she sneaks in a jab every once in a while that is pretty significant and deep and all the positive she has to say gets lost in that jab. I guess I probably should say that I think my mother must suffer from some sort of low IQ/Narcissistic personality disorder/post-traumatic stress disorder that has never been treated. This wasn't my attempt at cruelty, but rather my layman's guess at diagnosing my mother's condition. I know she went to a military doctor once when I was a young child and he gave her an Rx for valium. Her life has actually been very sad as I am sure you can probably imagine and she is obviously doing the very best she can do. Oh well, I am verbally leaking here when I should be doing something productive.

House

Our new home!! Pray that God would restore our family soon.

What am I supposed to do Today?

What am I supposed to do today? This seems to be the question each day. My brain has turned to mush. I feel like I've got brain overload. Taking a shower and getting to church on Sunday is difficult enough. Throw in things I don't have to do on a regular basis and I forget. Who am I kidding? I forget daily things as well. Is this day three or four since I haven't showered? It isn't completely wiped from my memory. For example, I missed our therapy appointment on Saturday. It wasn't until Ken mentioned he'd called a therapist that I almost screamed in disappointment of myself. What does that therapist think of me?

I was supposed to take some things over to my mom yesterday. I had promised to do it just the day before. I forgot. So, never made it to mom's house. What does mom think of me?

I told a good friend that I'd pick up some rice and bananas for her. I told another friend I'd be in charge of picking up a gift we were going to purchase for said friend. Have I done it? No, I didn't remember until I saw my friend yesterday. This was the hardest. I've once again proved (or is it proven, is that a word?) that I'm really not such a good friend. I'm too overwhelmed to call anyone. And the question is always, "How are you doing?" I'm not doing well. It sucks going through this. I want God to take this cup from me. I can't even do something like find a place to live. I get sick each time I attempt it. It would be nice to talk about a bible verse or how THEY are doing. I'm too self-centered though. Its too easy to get into the trap of verbally vomiting on them about my problems. What do my friends think of me?

My son had to go on Prozac last week;He has started to come undone as well. They took him off the Concerta so not only is he coming undone, but he is bouncing off the walls as well. He is angry all the time now, too. His interactions with his stepfather are like witnessing two adolescent boys competing for some stupid object. Back and forth, back and forth. I know Ken will never be the one to back down. I tell Alex to please just let it go. He can't. Its too much now. He is fighting back with everything he has in him. I let this situation run over him for too long. What does my son think of me?

Isaiah is raging again. The anger and seeing his brother's response to this situation is too much to bear. I'm starting to consider putting this little boy on medicine as well. I'm sure the neurologist would easily write a Rx for a little boy exposed to cocaine, cigarettes, and alcohol by his bio mom. It would easy to put him on meds. Maybe if we all get drugged up we can glide through this situation, at least until we move.What will Isaiah think of me?

I am leaving the husband of my youth. The only man I have ever loved because I think it is the best thing for my son. What does God think of me? Its hard. I prayed. Now, I just need to learn to trust. So hard. I do trust, really. I think its more having to feel this experience. I trust God will take me through it and that he will be there at the end and I will say, "Ah, so this is what you were doing." But, it hurts so badly. Its kind of like the day I went in for surgery to correct my feet. It hurt so much to have casts on my feet and pins poking out of each toe. When I was finally able to walk with crutches, I kept banging the pins into things. The pain was almost more than I thought I could take. But, when the doctor finally removed the pins and the casts, I could see the tops of my feet and there were straight (well almost straight) toes looking back at me. The FIRST day I wore opened toed shoes I could say, "Ah, so this is what you were trying to do."It'll be like that one day. Until then I have to be willing to feel the pain and allow myself to be carried through the current of this pain and pray that my son's would jump on my back and allow themselves to be carried away as well. God will redeem my life and it will all make sense to us one day. He tells me that when I can be quiet enough to listen. He shows me things and tells me my life will be exceedingly exception with a glorious purpose serving an anointed leader. Until then patience is hard.

A Recipe for Disaster

What do you get when you mix one very angry father, two disrespectful sons, one super hypervigilent foster daughter, and two other children who are just watching the chaos unaware of it even happening? Add a dash of Alex's grandfather and a huge helping of Alex's bio father and one very frazzled mommy who really just wants some Valium. Giggle. Well, you get a recipe for disaster that is what you get.

I found the above pictured recipe for motherhood and really couldn't stop laughing. It was one of those "I'm over the edge" kind of laughs. I realize the above is really true especially if "sprinkled with plenty of faith". It seems I always start the day with my prayers being almost desperate pleading to God, then I go on with every good intention of not letting things get to me, of being able to parent my boys despite any chaotic interruptions, and then I find myself just wanting to find the door marked "exit". That is why I'm upstairs now on this blog instead of refereeing downstairs............ Israel just came up and interrupted my much needed escape time to let me know "I see what you mean about Ken..." (says the former abuser-see the irony?) he went on to explain that he is taking the boys (by this he means only Alexander and Isaiah) and getting them out of here. This will leave my foster son without a playmate. But, it will stop the craziness because Ken is usually calm when its just the foster kids. I want to minister to him and help him through this time, but I don't know what to do. I have never been enough. 

In the past, I would worry sick anytime Israel would take either of my boys. I'd imagine him having an angry fit or falling into a diabetic coma while driving. Recently, you can add having another heart attack to the list since Israel had one just a few months ago. I'd imagine Israel exposing my children to inappropriate movies, which he did to Alex early on. I don't fear any of that these days. In part because Israel has made some amazing changes recently. He wouldn't credit these changes to Almighty God. But, I know.

Today, I'm not worried about Israel taking my boys. I am thankful for this relief my children will experience with a man who really wants their good. I really believe that now. Yesterday, I saw him cry as he voiced his concerns about me being a single mother again and the way he, himself, had failed Alex and I over a decade ago. He actually said he was talking to God. Regret and guilt is an awful thing to live with. I hope he received the absolution he was looking for from me. I hope he can hear God give him this absolution when he talks to Him.

This isn't at all how I thought my life would be. My husband is the most intelligent man I know. I know his hope was for a woman like him. I have been one disappointment after another to him.  I hate to voice this, but I think he only married me because we had dated for so long. I have failed him so much.  I totally understand why he has become so angry. Ken feels abandoned by me. I am overwhelmed trying to parent all of these traumatized children. By the time he comes home, I have nothing left. We were happy once. We would take walks and have long discussions about God and our future.  I think both of us are clinically depressed.

I just want us to get fixed but I don't know what to do. Our counselor just thinks I should leave. Glendon's wife told me the damage done already is irreparable.  Lizzy tells me I need to get out of here now. Even my bible study group offered me kindness rather than judgment.  But no one is offering any help other than to help me leave.   I see myself developing that kind of a wrong attitude. I am sure its reflected in the way I act towards my husband and my disgust at who he has slowly become bit by bit is surely evident. The truth is I am more disgusted in myself. I wish I would have been a better wife. I wish I had been more supportive. Things could have been different. Rather than see myself as equally sinful I tend to have a dividing line with my sins not being as bad. How sick is that, eh? I'm not saying this is right or biblical. I am simply confessing my struggle here. I realize God sees things differently and really want God to change my heart and views so they line up with the way he sees things. Oh hard heart, how long will you live in me! 

The most difficult situation today was when Isaiah started to rage this morning. I'm not talking about a child throwing a fit. I'm talking about a traumatized boy, dealing with his father's anger, and the affects of being exposed to cigarettes, alcohol, cocaine, and who knows what else. He was in a full blown rage and I could not get to him fast enough when I hear his father yelling at him. I turn the corner to see Isaiah doing "running" motions while laying on the floor going in circles while at the same time screaming at the top of his lungs and his father trying to make himself be heard above him. It doesn't even matter what triggered this attack. I intervened (disrespecting Ken and making him feel more inadequate) and told Ken to stop and picked up Isaiah. With Isaiah, all you need to do is ask, "Do you need help calming down?" If its a typical childish fit he usually just gets mad at you. If its a typical childish fit Ken's threats to spank him would have stopped the fit. This kind of behavior isn't a fit. He nods his head over and over indicating he needs help, but can't stop screaming. With Isaiah, you have to hold him despite the rage and just tell him over and over again, "Mommy is going to help you calm down, okay? Can you hear mommy breathing? Can you feel mommy rubbing your head? You are my truest of true loves. Mommy is going to help you to calm down..." (You can look into my little boys' eyes as he is screaming and know he can't stop. I am sure some might roll their eyes, but you don't live with a child that has so many things against him.) I repeat something like that over and over and slowly my little boy calms down. And then you can talk to him about whatever it is that was so important. Until then, any loud words or rebuke, just makes it worse if that were possible to imagine and, in my opinion, just sets him up for another rage soon after.

I think I am going to go see the neurologist about Isaiah. I really think something is very wrong. When he was younger, he'd have rages that lasted for hours. The "expert" told me to hold him until he stopped raging even if it meant hours of holding. I did that for about three months or so. This seemed to make the rages worse; I wasn't strong enough to continue doing it; and I didn't see that it was being a benefit. The rages did seem to subside, but I've noticed that they are back with a vengeance.  Ken's anger is worse since the decision to separate has been made. I'm angry too. This isn't the way our story was supposed to end. 

Pray for us if you think of it.

Your Not Mad at Me

Isaiah is with his grandpa and "tio" today. I felt that it would be good for him to escape the chaos for a few days. 

Alex and Ken had another altercation today. It was really bad. I kept wondering if this is God's way of telling me that Judy is right about leaving.  This time my son didn't cower in the corner. Alex looks up at his step father, looks him right in the eye, and says, "I didn't do anything. I'm not the one that puked all over the place. You're angry at Beau. Go yell at him." (Beau had vomited all over the place earlier, failed to tell anyone, and Ken stepped in it on his way down the hall.) He wasn't yelling at Ken. He was very calm and simply spoke the truth.

My prayer is that this situation will get resolved so Ken and I can live together in a way that isn't poisonous to our children. The therapist says we "trigger" each other. I know and believe God can work miracles. I am praying for a miracle and at the same time am feeling really sad about what may be my future.

Insanity and Egotism

To recognize one's own insanity is, of course, the arising of sanity. ~author unknown

I recently heard the above quote and it made complete sense to me. I don't think the author was a believer, but on a spiritual perspective I took this to mean to recognize one's own dysfunction. I have a tendency to believe that I alone am dysfunctional. I usually assume most of my Christian friends have it altogether. I really do realize this is erroneous and that each of us have our own struggles even if we don't make them public. Ah, I guess my distorted perception of others is a good example of my insanity, eh? Aren't we all born into this world dysfunctional and insane? Isn't that what the bible refers to as the sinful nature? I'm just thinking "out loud" here. What hope is there for the insanity and egotism of man?

I've made reference (in my other blog) to the children's book written by Max Lucado entitled "You Are Loved". It is a great analogy about how we (meaning all of us) go around placing judgments on each other; pointing fingers at each other; assuming we are somehow better than each other; when in the end we are all really the same... all rolling around in the mud of our sin except for the saving grace of Jesus Christ. In this story the judgments are portrayed by stickers the people stick on each other. There are good stickers and bad stickers. The more "good" stickers you have the better you are and vice versa. In the end, deeds accomplished in the flesh, whether positive or negative are the same aren't they? If we do not give the glory to our Lord Jesus Christ than what good is anything we do? If we are not covered by the blood of Christ as an atonement for our sins than aren't we truly despicable regardless of the level of our "badness" or goodness for that matter. This is something I have been pondering today. 

I've had to make lots of really hard decisions lately and the consequences of a wrong decision are extreme. To be honest, I would have been most happy just staying where I was and not having to make any decisions. In this case, however, I had no choice but to do as I was told by a well-meaning counselor. Today, I had to come to the realization that right or wrong I can only do the best I can do and trust God to lead my path. I've done things I thought God wanted me to do and later realized it was my ego and not the Holy Spirit. I've also done things I really didn't want to do thinking "maybe" God was leading me and later realized it was totally God's hand at work. In either event, I have to believe that God is sovereign over all the wrong choices I make and over all the right choices I make. All I can do is claim the blood of Christ and his covering over my choices. In the end, He alone is responsible for me, my children, my husband, my husband's decisions, and all of these choices. He alone can be the flashlight that exposes truth and sin in the lives of all of us. I surrender it all to you Lord. You alone are sovereign despite my insanity and egotism.

A Difficult Life

Alexander seems to be getting worse. I'm not sure if its an ADHD issue or if its caused by all the trauma in his life. He does things like start to make a peanut butter sandwich and then walk away leaving everything on the counter. He'll start to vacuum or shampoo the carpets and leave the machine in the middle of the room telling me he is done with the task. He leaves his syringes all over the place including on the carpet where baby Brie can reach them. He refuses to check his sugars and will eat anything he wants without correcting with the Insulin as required. He will clean his room and then the room gets completely trashed because he was looking for one book. I am being very literal about this situation without exaggeration. He will remove several shelves of books and they lay on the floor in a disheveled mess. The clothes will be out of the drawers and on the floor. Guinea pig wood shavings all over the place. I'm not sure what the wood shavings have to do with a book, but it happens almost daily. Last night he took three Melatonin at 6 PM and announced he is going to bed. Its like he just wants to check out of having to feel anything. Three Melatonin isn't enough to kill him, but we usually only give him one when he can't sleep. He didn't ask permission and told me he had taken the Melatonin after the fact. Last night at about 2 AM I could hear him crying in his room. I went in to check on him and he told me he just wanted to sleep. Its significantly unlike him to not talk to me about his feelings. This is a connection we have always shared. The therapist believes that he resents me lately because I allowed him to be abused. I talked to Ken about it and he said, "Funny how he doesn't zone out when he wants to watch cartoons or play video games." Yeah, ha ha, its all very funny. In the meantime, Ken has yet to do anything that Pastor Mike indicated he needs to do. That is the "funniest" thing of them all.

The worse thing that Alexander has started doing is taking out his anger and frustration on Beau and even Isaiah at times. Its very ironic that Alex can be completely disassociating one minute and the next he is hitting Beau in the face with his diabetic bag. I reported this to CPS because Beau is retarded and you'd think they would want to protect this little boy. Of course, they really could not care less. They are doing all they can to have the three foster kids remain in my care. I let them know that my son isn't doing well and that he is exhibiting aggression towards Beau. My therapist went so far as to call them and let them know that until we leave, Alex's aggression towards Beau will probably get worse. She also explained to them that Alex is being abused in the most severe and dehumanizing way here. They asked her if the foster kids were being abused. She told them that I am a good foster mom and that the kids are well-protected from the chaos. She called me after she had spoken to the agency. They actually had the nerve to tell her, "What do you think it is teaching Alex if he gets his way in this situation?" She really did think I was exaggerating a bit when I told her they wouldn't remove the kids even if I gave written notice. It was good to be validated. CPS and foster care agencies are the anti-christ. Okay, maybe they aren't the anti-christ, but they really don't care too much about foster children. That has been my experience with them for years now and I have yet to meet someone that has had a different experience. I'm sure there must be someone, but I've yet to meet them.

In the meantime, I'm going through the motions pretending all is well. Its always been this way. No wonder my son resents me. I resent myself, too, and can only pray that God's grace washes over me and eventually allows me to experience my son's forgiveness.  The counselor wants me to give her a date that I plan to move. She told me she was very tempted to tell CPS about Alex's abuse when she spoke to them earlier. Life is so difficult and complicated. I don't want to make these decisions. I don't want to leave my home.

I had a dream the other night. The kids and I were serving together at church. Alex was eating a biscotti and Isaiah was begging for my coffee. We were happy and serving. It doesn't get any better than that. God, please redeem this situation and redeem my life. Help my husband do what he needs to do so we can come home soon. Heal my children and place them in the center of your will.