What am I supposed to do Today?

What am I supposed to do today? This seems to be the question each day. My brain has turned to mush. I feel like I've got brain overload. Taking a shower and getting to church on Sunday is difficult enough. Throw in things I don't have to do on a regular basis and I forget. Who am I kidding? I forget daily things as well. Is this day three or four since I haven't showered? It isn't completely wiped from my memory. For example, I missed our therapy appointment on Saturday. It wasn't until Ken mentioned he'd called a therapist that I almost screamed in disappointment of myself. What does that therapist think of me?

I was supposed to take some things over to my mom yesterday. I had promised to do it just the day before. I forgot. So, never made it to mom's house. What does mom think of me?

I told a good friend that I'd pick up some rice and bananas for her. I told another friend I'd be in charge of picking up a gift we were going to purchase for said friend. Have I done it? No, I didn't remember until I saw my friend yesterday. This was the hardest. I've once again proved (or is it proven, is that a word?) that I'm really not such a good friend. I'm too overwhelmed to call anyone. And the question is always, "How are you doing?" I'm not doing well. It sucks going through this. I want God to take this cup from me. I can't even do something like find a place to live. I get sick each time I attempt it. It would be nice to talk about a bible verse or how THEY are doing. I'm too self-centered though. Its too easy to get into the trap of verbally vomiting on them about my problems. What do my friends think of me?

My son had to go on Prozac last week;He has started to come undone as well. They took him off the Concerta so not only is he coming undone, but he is bouncing off the walls as well. He is angry all the time now, too. His interactions with his stepfather are like witnessing two adolescent boys competing for some stupid object. Back and forth, back and forth. I know Ken will never be the one to back down. I tell Alex to please just let it go. He can't. Its too much now. He is fighting back with everything he has in him. I let this situation run over him for too long. What does my son think of me?

Isaiah is raging again. The anger and seeing his brother's response to this situation is too much to bear. I'm starting to consider putting this little boy on medicine as well. I'm sure the neurologist would easily write a Rx for a little boy exposed to cocaine, cigarettes, and alcohol by his bio mom. It would easy to put him on meds. Maybe if we all get drugged up we can glide through this situation, at least until we move.What will Isaiah think of me?

I am leaving the husband of my youth. The only man I have ever loved because I think it is the best thing for my son. What does God think of me? Its hard. I prayed. Now, I just need to learn to trust. So hard. I do trust, really. I think its more having to feel this experience. I trust God will take me through it and that he will be there at the end and I will say, "Ah, so this is what you were doing." But, it hurts so badly. Its kind of like the day I went in for surgery to correct my feet. It hurt so much to have casts on my feet and pins poking out of each toe. When I was finally able to walk with crutches, I kept banging the pins into things. The pain was almost more than I thought I could take. But, when the doctor finally removed the pins and the casts, I could see the tops of my feet and there were straight (well almost straight) toes looking back at me. The FIRST day I wore opened toed shoes I could say, "Ah, so this is what you were trying to do."It'll be like that one day. Until then I have to be willing to feel the pain and allow myself to be carried through the current of this pain and pray that my son's would jump on my back and allow themselves to be carried away as well. God will redeem my life and it will all make sense to us one day. He tells me that when I can be quiet enough to listen. He shows me things and tells me my life will be exceedingly exception with a glorious purpose serving an anointed leader. Until then patience is hard.