Terrors

Israel called today to check on the children. He was surprised to learn that Ken was at our house. I always feel strange when I run into people that know about my situation and they see me with Ken or when we happen to show up at church together to do the kid "exchange". I get these strange looks or people saying they thought we were separated.

The fact still remains that he is the father of my children. The legal father of Isaiah and the father of Alexander since he was three-years-old. Tonight, Alexander, himself, asked if Ken could "spend the night". Most people wouldn't understand that dynamic at all, but while Alex is experiencing a sense of relief he is also going through loss, guilt, and he is missing his father, too. He is missing the good things he experienced with Ken. I wasn't meant to live my life without Ken.

I am sure God never meant for my life to take such a sour turn. I was meant to stay home and change diapers and cook dinners and wipe snotty noses. I wasn't meant to lay in a bed by myself, staring at the whirling fan wondering what is to become of my life. So panicked at times that I really think my own heart is going to pounce right out of my chest. Do you recall that sensation when you think you see a rat or spider or whatever other creature causes you terror? It seems to start at the tip of your toes and works its way all the way up to the top of your head creating instant paralysis! You try to move, but for several seconds you seem frozen in place. This is exactly how I feel in my life. Stuck in the moment and not really sure which direction I should go. I realize that I can't move in any direction as the kids have to start school before I can even consider working, but worry nonetheless I must. Most nights the terror is too much all I can do is just cry out "JESUS!!" over and over again just so I can get to sleep.

I keep thinking my husband is going to call and tell me he has a letter from an anger management counselor saying we can go home. Mike keeps telling me, "He obviously doesn't want to be married." I hate to hear that. I can't imagine why he would want to be married to me with all of my issues and all of these traumatized children. But, we were supposed to be married forever.  Its been so easy for him to walk away.

I am trying to truly take one day at a time and let next month take care of itself. I'm sure God will show me what He wants me to do.