Fluffy Heads

Isaiah didn't have any difficulty at bedtime either. Alexander spent the evening with Lizzie last night and it was just my fluffy and me. We watched his favorite football movie and ate salads. I was going to let him stay up late with me and then have a "sleep over" but he became tired and announced he thought it was bedtime and wanted to go to his own room. Having the books in his bed seems to really help soothe him so we did that again. At about 4 AM he woke up with what seemed to be the beginnings of his usual angry tantrums. But I went through the steps to calm him and he was okay. I need to talk to Mrs. Ray about finding steps to calm me. I totally understand how rages can trigger a rage in a parent. In myself, I feel like I could almost pass out at times. My heart races and I just feel physically ill. I felt this way last night. I just felt so panicked that it was going to happen again. But, it didn't happen and Isaiah went back to bed.

At Ms. Judy's recommendation (Alexander's therapist), Ken took the foster kids for a few days. They come home tonight. I'm anxious about them coming home as the boys have been doing so well. At the same time, I know Brie hasn't been doing so well. She is okay, but I know she has been asking for me. They are supposed to go to their forever home next week. We learned last week that Beau has further neurological/occupational problems and Karley has strabismus. I am praying that this doesn't affect their placement. This family had originally felt that our foster children might be too much for them, but then changed their mind. I hope this news about Beaus prognosis doesn't scare them away. These are actually really good kids and are easy kids. I'm still trying to figure out why they triggered my family in such an awful way. I think my friend Lizzie hit the nail on the head. She told me this week that she thinks when they arrived they triggered the boys' post-traumatic stress and reminded Isaiah of all the trauma, drama, and circumstances surrounding our very difficult former foster care placement we had a couple of years ago. I think all of my family went into some sort of psychological break-down. Each of us responding in different ways with some, obviously, more severe than others. Isaiah's increase in rages and the severity of his rages, I think, sent everyone into a tailspin. These little foster kids never had a chance in this home, under these conditions. Makes you kind of wonder, what was the point of them ever being here? I've been asking that question a lot about so many things in my life, "What was the point?" I'm sure there is a point mind you. And I'm sure that one day I'll get it and that for now I just have to keep surrendering all the things God keeps showing me are in my life that he doesn't want there. For today, I have to surrender anger, bitterness, and fear each time it sticks its ugly head into my life. Its been helping Isaiah to treat the anger as not a part of himself but something that is separate from him. I think I'm going to try that with these emotions that keep threatening my relationship with God and everyone around me.

I need to get moving. I have to go pick up my other fluffy head. I must say I'm over my sleep over anxiety. Praise God. I think Alexander is as well. Hard to believe my family is making progress.. so much to heal still but we are healing slowly. Well off to coffee at Lizzies... Isaiah will be really excited to see his friend Kayla who is supposed to be there. Crazy how well he gets along with ALL OTHER children except the ones that live in his home.

God is good always. (Its good the way God sneaks in friends to remind you of that fact just when you need to be reminded.) Have a good day everyone.