A Letter to Alex's Friends

A letter to Alex's friends,

Alexander came into this world on a cold rainy day peeing on the nurse and then the doctor. He didn't require the customary swat on the butt because he started screaming the second he was born. His pediatrician, Dr. Worrell, commented that Alex's muscles were unusually developed and that he had never seen anything like that. Alex was able to focus on objects in a room and hold a rattle in his hand from the beginning. Babies normally do not have that kind of control and strength.

At age 3, we switched to another pediatrician who was closer. Dr. Douglass spent the longest time with Alex again saying he was surprised by his strength, coordination, and muscle development at that age. This doctor called my son "Bam Bam" from the start.

I have an illness called post-polio syndrome. This means my legs do not work the way they should and I get tired and disoriented easily. Alexander learned how to drive at a very young age because there are times I cannot.

He also learned how to mow the grass at age six because I couldn't do it and my husband was very busy. Alex picked up the pieces wherever he could. He even taught his little brother to walk and speak when the doctors said he would be delayed. Most children's first word are mama or daddy, but Isaiah's first word was "Alex".

When Alex's dad started to become abusive towards him, he took it for as long as he could. Then finally he stood up to the 6'2" man and said you aren't angry with me because I haven't done anything wrong. He loved this man very much, but still wears the scars of that abuse. 

In school, he was tested and told he was "gifted and talented" and his IQ results qualified him to be considered a genius. In the first grade, the teacher let Alex teach the math class because Alex was already able to do simple algebra! He sailed through school until his diabetes started causing him to miss days. The school wasn't interested in making up the knowledge he missed. They just excused the work and passed him. He fell further and further behind. The boy who wanted to be a doctor more than anything could barely keep up. He started to hate school and hate the teachers who didn't understand his illness. He wears the scars of those days as well. The smartest man I know worries he will not succeed in college.

Alex looks so healthy but a common cold has put him in the hospital for days. Someone breathing smoke on him has turned into pneumonia. Alex has almost lost his leg more times than I can count. His diabetes makes his bones brittle, his lungs scarred, his body impossible to heal, and makes him susceptible to illness. His autoimmune condition has attacked his pancreas and thyroid and continues to reek havoc.

Despite everything Alex faces he continues to challenge himself as an athlete and a Christian. He wants his friends to know God because he cares. This makes him the brunt of your ridicule. So many times he gives up and just goes along with the foolishness of the day.

At age 19, he would love to go away to college. However, there have been days when Alex would have died in the night had it not been because Isaiah and I sensed something wrong and woke him up to realize he was in a diabetic crisis. Isaiah "feels" when his brother is sick in his sleep. He would love to get an apartment and live on his own. But, how would he afford the $700-1000 a month required above what insurance pays?? As you make fun of him, are you offering to help pay the medical bills?

Alex has buried two fathers and the only thing these men left him was a mess to clean up. I have been the only parent that has ever paid the children's medical bills.... Ever. Alex sees what I have to do to manage and knows he couldn't take over this challenge for himself.

He is thankful for the memories but wonders why his dads didn't love him enough to make sure he was taken care of. Both men told him they had planned for their deaths. He feels lied to and deceived and yet misses them both. He wonders why God has placed the burden of his little brother on him. But he is willing as he tells his brother it's time to go to bed or to stop disobeying his mother. When his brother's illness makes his perception inaccurate, Alex is quick to help him see truth.

He sees me working as hard as I can to make ends meet. He feels guilty that I haven't had a professional haircut in over five years and that my clothes are bought at thrift stores. He holds off on buying clothing or getting his own haircut as long as he can. He tells me he hates to be a burden. The truth is I couldn't take care of us without Alex.

Sometimes he comes home sad that his friends have called him names. Alex refuses to smoke, chew your tobacco, or drink your beer because he knows he has to take care of his health as much as he can. He doesn't pursue those women who so easily give up all they have because he knows catching something, anything, could mean death to him. He possesses a strength you will never know. You see him as weak but the truth is it requires great restraint for him not to give in and not to fight back. Alex is still ridiculously strong. I have seen what happens when he finally decides to fight back against a bully twice his size. Many of his friends would warn you not to push Alex so hard. I pray he never decides to fight back against you- for your sake. I pray that you would learn to be a true friend. Stop encouraging him to do things that might damage his truck or his life. Don't ask for what little money he has. The money you use to feed your face might be money we need to purchase life saving insulin.

Alex doesn't rush home when I call because he is weak. He could easily do what he wants. He is a grown man. A grown man with a mother that not only has post-polio but a heart condition and a brother with more medical issues than I can list. He rushes home because he knows I need help and he knows he has to get home to take the night insulin that keeps him alive!

It must make you feel like a big man to make fun of my son. You just have no idea that my son possesses more strength than you will ever understand. So keep making fun of him if you will. But remember his name because while you are still drinking yourself to death or chasing skirts, Alex will continue to do great things despite you, despite his illness, and despite all the other challenges he faces.

Without a Vision

I tend to suffer from bloggerhea when my mind is a clutter-filled mess. Blogging helps me make sense of my prayers and thought life. It helps me sort through all the piles of laundry in the many rooms of my heart, mind, and soul. It helps me discard the loads of dirty laundry and only keep what is starchy clean.

I have a gift that I am able to compartmentalize those things that are worrisome so that I can get essential things done.  Too much to think about! As I started to pray earlier today, God reminded me about what Pastor Champion said on Sunday. In addition to his usual comments about grace and no condemnation, he also talked about needing a vision and a purpose. I agree that if I just wander about each day without a specific vision I am just going to become depressed. What do I do as I wait for God to make the truth clear to me?

I focus on leading my little family. I follow God.  I focus on work. I focus on discipleship in the home. I look for ways to weed secular influence from the lives of my children. I look for what God may be saying to me. I look for his reminders all around me and follow His lead.

I don't have to look at each experience as yet another failure. I can remember Pastor Champion's words;

No condemnation No guilt Jesus came to take our tears away. It is all about the grace. Jesus the door to forgiveness.

There is no reason to come undone. It is well with my soul.

Alexander the Great

Last night Alexander complained of an upset stomach. He came to my room twice saying he didn't feel well. I had him check his sugar, which was high, and correct accordingly. This morning he was still not feeling well. A urine test revealed that he had significant ketones in his urine. (A potentially life-threatening condition for a diabetic.)

My son had to go to the hospital today. This weekend he had been upset, once again, over the church situation. He is angry.  I think he is disgusted with Christians and disgusted with me for not having more of a backbone. I know this is reflected in the way he has completely given up on taking care of himself. I think he is depressed/despondent. I don't know what to do.

I also feel despondent today. I didn't have a church to call.... no youth pastor to come visit my son... no prayer chain to pray for him.... no meal ministry to offer to help us.... all because I committed the unpardonable sin of divorce. How I wish I could go back into time and change a series of events that have left us churchless and my son broken-hearted.

The Warrior is a Child

I suffer from anemia because I tend to stop eating when I become stressed out. My life has been considerably stressful lately and I have had trouble maintaining a consistent healthy diet. Its not conscious; it just happens.

I am guessing that anemia and the affects of post-polio syndrome related fatigue and probably my current stressors are sending my body into implode mode. Its been slowly creeping up on me and this morning hit me full force. I found it hard to get dressed, found it hard to focus on the road, and even ran a red light. I didn't realize the light was red until I was already under it. At work, I had similar problems focusing and just really didn't want to be there.

I must confess that I feel like I really just don't want to be anywhere. I want to say "done". I feel like I have been running my life on full speed ahead for such a long time now and I am completely exhausted. My son's diabetes is out of control. My ex-husband isn't getting any better and continues to abuse my children. My church has excommunicated me. My employer gave me a promotion that wasn't hers to give me and now has cut my hours. I haven't gotten child support this month. My health is starting to fray again. Nothing major: no immediate life-threatening situations, just lots of things that add up making me feel completely overwhelmed.

The maintenance man at work stopped me because I wasn't my usual "dancing self" and gave me a hug. Earline, my co-worker, told me she was worried about me because she found strength in my joy and that I didn't seem to have any today. She was right. I am usually able to leave my cares with the Lord and focus on ministering to my co-workers and getting my job done. However, today I just didn't have any joy.

My life seems to be one battle after another battle after another battle. I don't want to fight any more battles. And no, I am not PMSing today. I am just tired of fighting and lately I am having to fight people that are my brothers and sisters. Its like shooting yourself in the foot so-to-speak. At least, this is the case, if you believe we are all part of one body.

Today, I almost feel like if I just allow myself to lay down, surely my lungs will cease to work and my heart will stop beating. Wouldn't it be good if it were so easy? Alas, I have two little boys that won't let me lay down not even for a second...

I can't help but remember that old Twila Paris song.. Remember?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KSfTY_nWzA

The Warrior Is A Child lyrics

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight

People say that I'm amazing

Strong beyond my years

But they don't see inside of me

I'm hiding all the tears

And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Cause deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest

People say that I'm amazing

Never face retreat

But they don't see the enemies

That lay me at His feet

And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Cause deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

And they don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and look up for a smile

'Cause deep inside this armor

Deep inside this armor

Deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

Home Alone

I managed clinical and administrative staff as a practice administrator for most of my career. I was good at doing this job, but I hated most aspects of being a manager. It broke my heart to have to turn away people that couldn't pay for medical care. Keeping up with the constant flux in health care laws was overwhelming at best. The thing I disliked the most was giving out negative information to my employees. My last employer saw everything as a disciplinary issue rather than a training issue and was quick to let employees "have it" for very minor issues. Needless to say, a person like myself with the tendency to want to people please, would not do very well in this position. I seemed to be doing fine because outwardly I excelled and my employer was pleased. Inwardly, however, I cried daily. I was so excited when I got to stay home with my children. Being a stay-at-home mom was awesome!

As a single mother, I have no choice but to work now to provide for my children. God blessed me with an amazing job at Macy's and a promotion that will become affective in the next month or so. I get to do something I really enjoy with people I love and I have an amazing opportunity to reach out to others. Plus, did I mention I get to dress up mannequins!? Its like playing Barbie dolls with giant Barbie dolls. I wake up every day in a surreal state. Consequently, I see Macy's as the greatest blessing for me professionally. Praise God for providing me with a safe place to go to everyday where I can also earn a little bit of money for my children.

I have been met with some challenges, however, as I endeavor to juggle a job and care for my children. My mother picks up my youngest from school, but is always quick to let me know how much she dislikes caring for children. She is good with Isaiah, but doesn't like her grand kids anymore than she liked her own children. She is also never available to watch the kids for full days. There is a holiday coming up and the kids will need to be home. I have to be at work until 2 pm so I am contemplating leaving the kids alone during that time.

I guess visions from the popular movie "Home Alone" keep flashing in my mind. Except that instead of attacking bad guys, the visions in my head involve my boys attacking each other! Giggle. I am not too worried about someone hurting them because I know they will stay inside. I guess my concern involves whether my oldest is really prepared to care for a four-year-old brother with fetal alcohol syndrome and everything that diagnosis carries.

Alex still suffers from PTSD as a result of our foster care experiences and then his experience with abuse in my last marriage almost left him completely undone. The boys are both doing so much better since we came to live in our "grace house", but there will probably be residual damage that only God's grace can heal. I have seen God healing Isaiah. I know he can heal Alex. I have hope that He has not abandoned me either.

If you think of it, please join me in praising God for the healing he is doing in my children. Please join me in thanking Him for the provision of employment through Macy's. Please partner with me in praying that God would continue to restore, redeem, and renew my home; and that I would gain direction in knowing what to do about leaving my kids home alone.