A Recipe for Disaster

What do you get when you mix one very angry father, two disrespectful sons, one super hypervigilent foster daughter, and two other children who are just watching the chaos unaware of it even happening? Add a dash of Alex's grandfather and a huge helping of Alex's bio father and one very frazzled mommy who really just wants some Valium. Giggle. Well, you get a recipe for disaster that is what you get.

I found the above pictured recipe for motherhood and really couldn't stop laughing. It was one of those "I'm over the edge" kind of laughs. I realize the above is really true especially if "sprinkled with plenty of faith". It seems I always start the day with my prayers being almost desperate pleading to God, then I go on with every good intention of not letting things get to me, of being able to parent my boys despite any chaotic interruptions, and then I find myself just wanting to find the door marked "exit". That is why I'm upstairs now on this blog instead of refereeing downstairs............ Israel just came up and interrupted my much needed escape time to let me know "I see what you mean about Ken..." (says the former abuser-see the irony?) he went on to explain that he is taking the boys (by this he means only Alexander and Isaiah) and getting them out of here. This will leave my foster son without a playmate. But, it will stop the craziness because Ken is usually calm when its just the foster kids. I want to minister to him and help him through this time, but I don't know what to do. I have never been enough. 

In the past, I would worry sick anytime Israel would take either of my boys. I'd imagine him having an angry fit or falling into a diabetic coma while driving. Recently, you can add having another heart attack to the list since Israel had one just a few months ago. I'd imagine Israel exposing my children to inappropriate movies, which he did to Alex early on. I don't fear any of that these days. In part because Israel has made some amazing changes recently. He wouldn't credit these changes to Almighty God. But, I know.

Today, I'm not worried about Israel taking my boys. I am thankful for this relief my children will experience with a man who really wants their good. I really believe that now. Yesterday, I saw him cry as he voiced his concerns about me being a single mother again and the way he, himself, had failed Alex and I over a decade ago. He actually said he was talking to God. Regret and guilt is an awful thing to live with. I hope he received the absolution he was looking for from me. I hope he can hear God give him this absolution when he talks to Him.

This isn't at all how I thought my life would be. My husband is the most intelligent man I know. I know his hope was for a woman like him. I have been one disappointment after another to him.  I hate to voice this, but I think he only married me because we had dated for so long. I have failed him so much.  I totally understand why he has become so angry. Ken feels abandoned by me. I am overwhelmed trying to parent all of these traumatized children. By the time he comes home, I have nothing left. We were happy once. We would take walks and have long discussions about God and our future.  I think both of us are clinically depressed.

I just want us to get fixed but I don't know what to do. Our counselor just thinks I should leave. Glendon's wife told me the damage done already is irreparable.  Lizzy tells me I need to get out of here now. Even my bible study group offered me kindness rather than judgment.  But no one is offering any help other than to help me leave.   I see myself developing that kind of a wrong attitude. I am sure its reflected in the way I act towards my husband and my disgust at who he has slowly become bit by bit is surely evident. The truth is I am more disgusted in myself. I wish I would have been a better wife. I wish I had been more supportive. Things could have been different. Rather than see myself as equally sinful I tend to have a dividing line with my sins not being as bad. How sick is that, eh? I'm not saying this is right or biblical. I am simply confessing my struggle here. I realize God sees things differently and really want God to change my heart and views so they line up with the way he sees things. Oh hard heart, how long will you live in me! 

The most difficult situation today was when Isaiah started to rage this morning. I'm not talking about a child throwing a fit. I'm talking about a traumatized boy, dealing with his father's anger, and the affects of being exposed to cigarettes, alcohol, cocaine, and who knows what else. He was in a full blown rage and I could not get to him fast enough when I hear his father yelling at him. I turn the corner to see Isaiah doing "running" motions while laying on the floor going in circles while at the same time screaming at the top of his lungs and his father trying to make himself be heard above him. It doesn't even matter what triggered this attack. I intervened (disrespecting Ken and making him feel more inadequate) and told Ken to stop and picked up Isaiah. With Isaiah, all you need to do is ask, "Do you need help calming down?" If its a typical childish fit he usually just gets mad at you. If its a typical childish fit Ken's threats to spank him would have stopped the fit. This kind of behavior isn't a fit. He nods his head over and over indicating he needs help, but can't stop screaming. With Isaiah, you have to hold him despite the rage and just tell him over and over again, "Mommy is going to help you calm down, okay? Can you hear mommy breathing? Can you feel mommy rubbing your head? You are my truest of true loves. Mommy is going to help you to calm down..." (You can look into my little boys' eyes as he is screaming and know he can't stop. I am sure some might roll their eyes, but you don't live with a child that has so many things against him.) I repeat something like that over and over and slowly my little boy calms down. And then you can talk to him about whatever it is that was so important. Until then, any loud words or rebuke, just makes it worse if that were possible to imagine and, in my opinion, just sets him up for another rage soon after.

I think I am going to go see the neurologist about Isaiah. I really think something is very wrong. When he was younger, he'd have rages that lasted for hours. The "expert" told me to hold him until he stopped raging even if it meant hours of holding. I did that for about three months or so. This seemed to make the rages worse; I wasn't strong enough to continue doing it; and I didn't see that it was being a benefit. The rages did seem to subside, but I've noticed that they are back with a vengeance.  Ken's anger is worse since the decision to separate has been made. I'm angry too. This isn't the way our story was supposed to end. 

Pray for us if you think of it.