Move On

I made a friend at the YMCA the other day. She and I have been emailing back and forth. Today, she told me about being in an abusive marriage for many years because her pastor made her believe that "forgiveness" required her to remain. She said her church didn't believe her situation was as brutal as it was because her husband seemed to be such a "good Christian".  Likewise, another friend from church told me recently that her dad used to hurt her mom and no one ever guessed because he seemed like such a "good Christian". 

I am amazed that sometimes the leaders we look to, in their effort to take both sides of the story into account, will dismiss or make light of the situation. There are so many women who have tolerated physical, sexual, and emotional abuse because they wanted to do the godly thing.  I don't believe that God expects anyone to remain in a situation like that. Each of us has the right to feel safe and to remove ourselves from situations that are not safe. 

My oldest son told me the other day, "Whatever you do, do not ever marry a Christian again."  I have not dated many men. There have only been two significant relationships during his lifetime. Sadly, each men struggled with being abusive and both professed to be Christians. My son also told me that he thinks I am one of the nicest people he knows. It was not meant as a compliment. It was said with frustration and accusation. He challenged me saying that being nice has never gotten me anywhere. He said being nice never got him anywhere either. Thus, the reason he has decided to not care and not take crap from people. Remaining in an unsafe environment, especially with someone with claims to be a believer, confuses our children and hinders their own ability to see God as good and loving. My heart is broken that this is what my life has taught my children. 

I used to think that if I could just make all the changes he demanded the situation would change. A "good Christian wife" would do all the things her spouse asked. If he told me to try harder, I would try harder. If he told me that I was trying too hard, I would not try so hard.  He had issues with the way I walked. He had issues with the sound of my voice. He wanted me to dress wearing the same color he wore. He didn't like shorts that were modest and preferred shorter ones. I changed all the things I could and even tolerated the maltreatment at the hands of his family as well, pretend to enjoy the pain being inflicted on me in the name of love, not complain about not having access to our finances, if I could just do everything he wanted then he would stop hurting me. Then I would be enough. The only problem is that the abuse isn't about making me into something else. It is about control. Thus, the laundry list of things that I needed to change would never end. I even tried to run ahead of my abuser and find everything that was wrong with me before he could and try to fix it. This just makes you crazy and in my life caused me to start experiencing a significant anxiety in the form of a social phobia. Isolation is the perfect environment for someone seeking to control you.  

The first person I told was the pastor who married us. He and his wife believed me, but they didn't really offer me any help. They never approached the man hurting me.  They told me I needed to get away. Almost two years would pass before I gained the courage to seek help again. I told another pastor. He didn't believe that such things could be happening. What I claimed was too horrific and it would force him to do something about what I had said. It was so much easier to make me feel embarrassed and at fault. The abuse continued for another six months as a result of this "Christian" leader's decision to not help me. I have permanent, documented, physical damage.  The physical abuse finally stopped because I started running out into my front yard when I sensed he was becoming angry. Someone that seeks to control cares very much about public opinion. The control, however, is constant. The sexual abuse was more difficult to stop because I didn't always see it coming.

It amazes me that people shame the person who dares "tell" and condone and excuse the behavior of the offender.  I told a friend tonight that being in an abusive relationship has turned me into a very awkward person. Fear, helplessness, secrecy, humiliation, isolation, and shame have turned into anger, bitterness, and wanting to make my abuser feel the things he made me feel. I have become as wicked as he at times, but my motive is to get the abuse to stop. Maybe if the abuser knows how it feels he will stop? This is never the case. Someone who seeks to control will only become more angry when he feels like he is losing the control. The truth is that no matter how hateful I try to be, I am not capable of inflicting the kind of physical damage that it would take to show him what it feels like to be on the receiving end. I wouldn't even want to be that person! I don't like the person that I have become in my attempt to defend myself.  I am ashamed that I have not handled abuse in a godly way. The fact is that a godly way would have involved moving. It is impossible to just move when you face the amount of monthly medical expenses my babies incur. Still, God has showed me recently that my real obstacle is not praying and trusting that he will provide a way of escape. The reasons I ended up in an abusive situation is because I didn't trust that God would provide for my children. So, I allowed myself to enter into an ungodly covenant. Ah, if I only knew then what I know now. Maybe I did know then, but like so many other women I thought I could be good enough to change things. 

Forgiveness and doing the right thing doesn't mean that I continue to give chance after chance after chance to someone that sheds my blood for his own gratification. It also doesn't mean that I retaliate and lower myself to give him a taste of his own medicine. Doing the right thing means that I am not embarrassed about what has been done to me. It wasn't my fault.  Doing the right thing also doesn't mean that I protect my abuser or make excuses when the injuries done to me are obvious.   

I am learning that there are many women in abusive situations and they remain there because of religiosity and the ignorance of so-called "Christian" leaders. I hope that women in these situations will realize that this isn't what God wants for them. Does it matter if someone doesn't believe you? God sees all and in the end truth is always exposed. If you are in an abusive situation, look to God to provide a way of escape. Tell someone. If they do not believe you, they are not the one God has called to help you. Move on. 

What is Abuse?

Today, I spoke to a sweet coworker about a former abusive relationship that is trying to make contact with her again. My heart breaks for her. I am amazed at how many women in my life are in, are trying to leave, or have left abusive situations. I am also amazed by how many women do not recognize abuse in their lives. Lastly, those of us who have been abused sometimes do not realize how angry we are over the things we have experienced.

My sister and I had every material possession we could ever want.  I think we believed that our home life was typical of other children. However, our parents were both addicts. My father was an alcoholic who was wounded in World War II. He was prone to dropping his broken body from his wheelchair and dragging himself across the floors shouting commands to comrades only he could see. My mother had great difficulty dealing with all of the chaos in our lives so she took large quantities of doctor prescribed Valium and would often leave us for months at a time. She was prone to fits of rage and violence, but this anger was mainly directed at my younger sister. I did all I could to protect my baby sister, but by the time she reached adolescence she had started to rebel against the pain and the abuse.  Our experience was atrocious. I think I appraised most of my other experiences based on my childhood situations. If the treatment of others wasn’t as bad as my childhood then it couldn’t be abuse. I saw the same patterns worked out in the life of my sister as she went from one person that didn’t deserve her to another.

It has taken me decades  to understand what abuse truly is. Of course, there is blatant abuse. If someone comes and punches my child, I understand this is abuse. But, for a long time, I didn't know that angry and harsh words sometimes do more damage.  I pray that women in abusive situations will find freedom and understanding in my story.  I still struggle to know which direction I should go at times, too.  I don’t always know who to trust, but I do know where God doesn’t want me to go. I know what abuse looks like now, even if it comes wrapped up in pretty paper. Wolves do not advertise. Abuse is abuse even if I go to a pastor and he doesn’t believe me. It is abuse even if the abuser claims it only happened “once” or says I am exaggerating.  The truth is that I don’t normally reveal how bad things really are.  Nevertheless, if someone believes me or not abuse is still abuse. It is abuse even if it doesn’t happen every day. It is abuse even if the abuser knows more bible verses than I do, volunteers more than I do, and gives more money to the church than I do.  It is abuse even if the abuser says he is sorry.

Do you need to know what abuse looks like? Abuse is:  Pushing, shoving, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, biting, throwing you, and even breaking a bone. Threatening you, scaring you, or laughing at you. Withholding finances from you. Putting you down or making you feel bad about yourself, laughing at you (telling you they do not like the sound of your voice or the way you sit or the way you walk or the way you dress). Forcing you to have sex or doing sexual things that cause you pain or injury. Allowing others (including their relatives) to put you down, call you names, ignore you, or treat you badly.

God can heal all situations. He works miracles if you seek Him. The first thing you must do is examine your own heart and ask God to heal those places that are broken. My childhood left me broken and susceptible to being abused as an adult. You must forgive the person that has abused you. Forgive those that hurt you when you were a child, too. Ask God to heal the anger. Anger doesn’t help anyone, but makes everything exponentially worse. Anger may also make you act like the abuser and a lunatic trying to get even. Don't.  Apologize to your abuser for your anger and let them know you forgive them. Remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean you will allow them to continue to harm you. Find a church where the pastor will believe you when you say you were abused. Tell someone what is happening so that you can come under someone’s protection. Tell me.  Come to church with me if you do not have a church!

If your abuser isn’t willing to acknowledge what they have done, God cannot heal them.  If your abuser is only willing to say they struggle with anger and can't acknowledge that they have verbally, physically, or sexually abused you, this isn't acknowledging what is actually happening. Their desire to stop hurting you and God has to be greater than their pride. If you do not see this humility and change in them, then walk away. Their entire life and entire character is a lie. Someone that is remorseful that they hurt you, will not wait for you to “out” them. They will go to the counselor and you and confess what they have done with sadness. You will see it in their eyes, actions, AND IN THEIR WORDS. Be wise.