Rages Return

Ken spent a majority of the weekend with us.

The kids want him with us, ask me to invite him over, and yet they (especially Isaiah) become so discombobulated in response to Ken's lack of boundaries and my excessive ones. He spends his time ignoring the children's disrespect towards him and then blowing up when he can't take anymore. I spend my time trying to parent all three of them. I know Ken looks to me to tell him what to do and resents me for doing it all at the same time. I do not want to parent anyone taller than myself any longer. I refuse to do it. I'm tired and I feel like I'm all out of grace. I want someone to come parent me. No one has ever done that before. Really. Not my mother. Not my father. I can already hear someone in the back row saying Jesus is your parent. Yeah, I get that and I get that its easy for those that had "flesh" parents to say that. But, it would be cool to have a "flesh" parent for a while. I guess my friend Liz, even tho' we are really close in age, has come close to that. She and her husband aren't afraid to love me enough to tell me when I'm making a mistake with my kids or to call me on something I'm doing wrong. I need more of those kinds of friends. I have a couple other friends that I don't see very often that whenever I do speak to them just ooze words of wisdom. When you haven't been parented by "flesh" parents you need more of those kinds of wise friends.

Isaiah is raging again. He finally fell asleep and then I sent a very frustrated Ken home earlier today. He made it clear to me this weekend that he really wants to do everything that Pastor Mike and the counselor want him to do. He wants to attend anger management and he wants to go to counseling. However, its just too much for him to do. All he can do right now is work on his relationship with the boys. I really appreciated this time of honesty. He had been telling me that his weekly bible study was an anger management class, but the man that leads it told me that wasn't true. Pastor Mike told me the weekly bible study is Ken moving on with his life. And again he said, "It doesn't sound like he wants to be married."   For whatever reason, what our counselor wants Ken to do to get us back together is more than he is willing to do. It hurt so much to realize I am not worth fighting for. Our children aren't worth fighting for. Our family isn't worth keeping together. I am thankful that he had the courage to tell me exactly what I needed to hear. Done. I am so angry about being abandoned in this way. But, the truth is I am more hurt. This was the one person I thought would always be there for me. Its been so easy for him to just walk away.

I must say that this evening was going to be a scary time of trying to figure out what to do with the kids and trying to keep myself from crying and going into those "OH MY what am I going to do moments of panic". But, thankfully as she has done a zillion times since this whole mess started my pastor and his wife have asked us to come over. I can't even begin to say how thankful I am for people who won't let us fall through the cracks. I think we would have fallen in the crack and have been left for dead by now were it now for this wonderful family. So, as soon as my little rager wakes up we will head over there.

Alexander gets his insulin pump in tomorrow. We now have two insurance plans so I won't have a copayment. Praise God.

I guess its time to seriously start praying about a job. On the health scene, I'm eating and have gained a pound. It was inevitable. I'm no longer feeling like I am going to pass out when I get up too fast though. I think I'll probably go back to a significantly reduced caloric intake again next week, but probably just every other day kind of thing. Still trying to figure out a way to manage this food addiction thing. There has to be a way to not sin with food and not starve. Lord show me the way.