Think you can't lose weight? I found these old photos of me before my 100 pound weight loss. This wasn't my heaviest size either!! It's hard to believe I'm no longer that person. All things are possible with God's help!
Showing posts with label My Weight Loss Journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Weight Loss Journey. Show all posts
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Unshackled
I lived most of my life shackled to a food addiction. I was a fat woman living in a world that did not accept me. Correction... I was a morbidly obese woman. I still remember trying to fight back the tears as I accidentally caught the words in my medical record. The doctor had left the room to go get sample medications for my sinus infection. The sheet of paper on the counter read, "pleasant and well-nourished, morbidly obese female". Hmpf! Well, I was at least pleasant and well-nourished. I think the doctor could have written very well-nourished rather than call me morbidly obese. I would rather be called any other obscenity. I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I never went back to that doctor again. The truth is I avoided not only going to the doctor, but going to many places. The few times I tried to go places like the mall I felt so out of place. I would go into department stores with plenty of money to spend yet be ignored by every sales' person. I'm not sure how someone wearing a size 26 or 28 outfit could become invisible, but apparently I was invisible to everyone except myself. My size was very hard for me to ignore.
My weight effected every area of my life. I was acutely aware of every jiggly move I made. Anytime I went to sit in a chair, I had to determine if I would fit in the chair and if the chair would hold my weight. I can't tell you how many times I lied and said I wanted to stand. Then there was the time I sat down thinking the chair was big enough for me and my wide hips became wedged in the chair. I had trouble keeping up with others, and one day almost jeopardized my son's life. He let go of my hand and proceeded to run into the street after his balloon. I was not able to catch him. Thankfully, a man was watching close by and ran ahead of me just in time to catch Alex before he reached the traffic. Amusement parks were a nightmare because I did not fit in the seat and when I did the seat belt wouldn't go around me. The disgusted looks of those in line as I pulled myself out of the chair after being told the belt had to be worn was almost too much. I wondered if they felt sad for me or thankful that they weren't in my position. We won't even discuss the problems someone of my size had with hygiene! Its hard to clean what you can't reach! However, the saddest thing in my life wasn't my physical challenges. I was spiritually starving as a result of my compulsion to overeat. I would wake up in the morning thinking about what I would eat and before breakfast was digested I was already planning my snack. Food consumed my every thought. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my plight so I avoided eating in front of others. I felt guilty as if by being fat I forfeited my right to eat, my right to be human. There were many days I would eat nothing until I came home. Then I would be so hungry that I couldn't stop eating.
I tried every diet and weight loss pill known to man, but was never able to keep the weight off for very long. I even went to a deliverance minister sure that I must have a demon or some other spiritually wicked thing persuading me to stuff myself into oblivion. He had me renounce all generational curses, sins of my parents, sins of their parents, sins of the neighbors, and anyone else they could think of! Several of my well meaning friends told me God was willing to heal me if I would just receive this healing. I was told that my sin kept me fat. My doctor gave me diets and told me I was choosing to eat more calories than my body needed. A wicked endocrinologist mocked me saying, "Surely, you don't think your weight is really a medical problem."
It was never my desire to blame my weight on a medical problem, the sins of generations including my parents, or anything else. I just wanted to be free of the chains that enslaved me. I wanted to be a normal person. I wanted to shop in normal size clothing stores. I wanted the salespeople to acknowledge my existence. I wanted God to acknowledge my existence because surely He must have forgotten me, too. Otherwise, why didn't He hear my cries. I spent years of praying and pleading for help with my problem; I didn't really know where else to turn. I finally made the decision that I would just live my life as a fat person and accept my lot. But, God heard the desperate cries of my heart, met me on the deepest level, rescued me after decades as an obese person, and delivered me from the chains of addiction.
I called upon the LORD in distress: the LORD answered me, and set me in a broad place.
Psalm 118:5
Friday, July 26, 2013
Gluttony isn't Funny
Throughout my entire life, my heavenly Father has always pursued me. He pursued me when I was a two-year-old baby. I didn't know His name then. I simply referred to him as a light. My parents were not religious. My earth father was a non-practicing Jew who called himself a pagan. My mother was a non-practicing Catholic who rarely went to church. It was nothing short of a miracle that at age 15, my mother enrolled me in a Protestant private academy. I was 15-years-old when I first heard that Jesus loved me and had died for my sins. I had heard that I was sinful most of my life and I knew about Jesus. I really didn't want to hear anymore about being sinful and worthless. Yep, sinful...worthless... got it. Thanks.
However, one day I heard that Jesus loved me and loved me just the way I am. What!? I don't have to jump over hurdles and bark like a dog and play dead? I don't have to "do" myself to death? I was told to give my life to Jesus and He would give me a hope and a purpose. Yes, tell me where to sign up because I am so in for complete acceptance!
Sadly, I didn't understand what Jesus was offering me. Complete acceptance. I said the prayer and joined a church. I then spent the next 20 years serving myself to death. I enjoyed serving very much. However, I never asked God what He wanted me to do. If there was a need, I was certain I needed to meet it. I gave away cars, clothes, furniture, money, and every single minute I had and didn't have. There were few ministries in which I didn't serve. I brought home prostitutes, homeless families, and questionable teenagers much to my mother's chagrin. I was certain that the more I did the more God would love me. If the church said that God wanted me to give; I'd give it and sometimes not having enough to meet my own needs.
The church spoke against cheating, lying, homosexuality, evading your taxes, and they even told us who to vote for at times. However, they never spoke against gluttony. In fact, there were a few times the fat minister made jokes about rushing the sermon so he could get to lunch. I knew my eating habits were not pleasing to God. But, I didn't know how to stop; so I continued to overeat and eat! It wasn't funny.
As my faith grew, things at home became worse. My mother didn't want to hear about my God. She didn't want to know that bringing her boyfriend over to spend the night was wrong. She didn't want me to question her idols and tarot cards. She didn't like me throwing away her cigarettes. And she really didn't like me trying to convert my sister. "We are Catholic!" she would scream. Although, none of us really knew what being Catholic meant at all. Our virgin Mary statue sitting next to the giant gold Buddha and the little elephants that mama said would bring us luck.
To be honest, I was seriously self-righteous and annoying. I can't imagine what I put my poor mother through trying to condemn her of all her wrongs. The day finally came when she asked me to leave. I was 16-years-old. I didn't have a car and I didn't know how to drive. We didn't have family in the United States and I didn't have anywhere to go. I had God though. He sent me a sweet lady through my church that needed a roommate.
However, one day I heard that Jesus loved me and loved me just the way I am. What!? I don't have to jump over hurdles and bark like a dog and play dead? I don't have to "do" myself to death? I was told to give my life to Jesus and He would give me a hope and a purpose. Yes, tell me where to sign up because I am so in for complete acceptance!
Sadly, I didn't understand what Jesus was offering me. Complete acceptance. I said the prayer and joined a church. I then spent the next 20 years serving myself to death. I enjoyed serving very much. However, I never asked God what He wanted me to do. If there was a need, I was certain I needed to meet it. I gave away cars, clothes, furniture, money, and every single minute I had and didn't have. There were few ministries in which I didn't serve. I brought home prostitutes, homeless families, and questionable teenagers much to my mother's chagrin. I was certain that the more I did the more God would love me. If the church said that God wanted me to give; I'd give it and sometimes not having enough to meet my own needs.
The church spoke against cheating, lying, homosexuality, evading your taxes, and they even told us who to vote for at times. However, they never spoke against gluttony. In fact, there were a few times the fat minister made jokes about rushing the sermon so he could get to lunch. I knew my eating habits were not pleasing to God. But, I didn't know how to stop; so I continued to overeat and eat! It wasn't funny.
As my faith grew, things at home became worse. My mother didn't want to hear about my God. She didn't want to know that bringing her boyfriend over to spend the night was wrong. She didn't want me to question her idols and tarot cards. She didn't like me throwing away her cigarettes. And she really didn't like me trying to convert my sister. "We are Catholic!" she would scream. Although, none of us really knew what being Catholic meant at all. Our virgin Mary statue sitting next to the giant gold Buddha and the little elephants that mama said would bring us luck.
To be honest, I was seriously self-righteous and annoying. I can't imagine what I put my poor mother through trying to condemn her of all her wrongs. The day finally came when she asked me to leave. I was 16-years-old. I didn't have a car and I didn't know how to drive. We didn't have family in the United States and I didn't have anywhere to go. I had God though. He sent me a sweet lady through my church that needed a roommate.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
False Friends are Like Shadows
| "False friends are like our shadow, keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine but leaving us when we cross into the shade.” ~Bovee | |
In the beginning, my friends were supportive of my weight loss. Those closest to me knew about the pain caused by my post-polio syndrome. The more weight I lost, the less pain I experienced. Friends were pleased and excited about my new found less pain days. However, as I traded the giant t-shirts and sweat pants for stylish clothing in size 16, 14, 12, 10, 8, 7, 6, 4, 2, and finally zero! Some of my friends became less supportive. I threw off my wide width tennis shoes and slipped on high heels instead. I can remember my best friend having the most issue with me. She and I had struggled with our weight and chronic illness together for over a decade.
She was closer to me than a sister and sometimes even a mother. She had been a Christian longer and always seemed so wise to me. As my health improved and I reached a normal weight, we started to drift apart. I could sense some jealousy or perhaps it was just her feeling the loss of a partnership. During that time, I continued to struggle with memories from my past. I tried to tell my friend about the things with which I struggled, but things were awkward between us. We didn't have the two things that held us together anymore. Weight and illness.
Things were awkward between my husband and I as well. There were days that I found myself just curling up in bed and staying there. I think that my fear of becoming fat again added to my childhood memories became more than I could handle alone. I had so many friends when I weighed 240 pounds, 212 pounds, 200, 190, 180, 160, but then people started to treat me differently. |
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Fasting
I used to think that I had no choice but to be a glutton. My mind was deceived into believing that I had no control over anything. My mother had control over my sister and I. She used criticism and abuse to force us to do everything she wanted. Even as an adult, I did all she asked out of a fear of disappointing her. I had so much fear deep inside of me. This fear caused hurt and deception to control my life.
Jeremiah 17:9: “The heart and mind is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”
The truth is that I didn’t want to do what was right because it was easier to do what was wrong. I was receiving a gain from living in sin. Even the bible says that sin brings pleasure for a season! The sin of gluttony helped me forget my childhood and it helped me deal with the stress of everyday life. Turning to God, while the best thing to do, often took patience and waiting. Turning to food, although short-lived, was instant relief. It was easier to numb myself than to do the work it would require to overcome negative patterns I inherited through my childhood. It was easier to turn to food than allow myself to hurt. It was easier to turn to food than to allow myself to become emotionally weak. When the Father instructed me to start fasting for Him, He was instructing me to become weak. Fasting involves humbling yourself, admitting your own weakness, and waiting patiently on God.
“I humbled my soul with fasting. Psalm 35:13.
I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t help me all those years when I begged and pleaded for his help. But, I think it is because I wasn’t willing to feel the pain. Ironically, being so heavy was causing me to live in constant turmoil. Yet, I was eating so much food that it kept me numbed emotionally. The act of fasting causes you to become afflicted. It makes you weak and forces you to feel those things you have worked so hard to stuff inside you through food. Daniel 9:3 tells us that Daniel, set his face unto the Lord God, to seek by prayer and supplications, with fasting, and sackcloth, and ashes. This means that he prayed, fasted, and mourned or was willing to feel pain! It is only when we are willing to be weak and allow those painful memories to seep out that we become sensitive to hear God's voice.
There are many accounts in the bible about people who fasted so they could hear God’s voice. 2 Chronicles 20, tells us of Jehoshaphat fasting and telling his armies to fast so they could hear from God. It is important to hear God’s voice because He alone can help you as you unlock hidden hurts that cause you to turn to food to numb yourself.
It is an awesome experience to hear God's voice. Is it enough to listen and not do what He says? This is another key.
But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. James 1: 22
Jeremiah 17:9: “The heart and mind is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”
The truth is that I didn’t want to do what was right because it was easier to do what was wrong. I was receiving a gain from living in sin. Even the bible says that sin brings pleasure for a season! The sin of gluttony helped me forget my childhood and it helped me deal with the stress of everyday life. Turning to God, while the best thing to do, often took patience and waiting. Turning to food, although short-lived, was instant relief. It was easier to numb myself than to do the work it would require to overcome negative patterns I inherited through my childhood. It was easier to turn to food than allow myself to hurt. It was easier to turn to food than to allow myself to become emotionally weak. When the Father instructed me to start fasting for Him, He was instructing me to become weak. Fasting involves humbling yourself, admitting your own weakness, and waiting patiently on God.
“I humbled my soul with fasting. Psalm 35:13.
I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t help me all those years when I begged and pleaded for his help. But, I think it is because I wasn’t willing to feel the pain. Ironically, being so heavy was causing me to live in constant turmoil. Yet, I was eating so much food that it kept me numbed emotionally. The act of fasting causes you to become afflicted. It makes you weak and forces you to feel those things you have worked so hard to stuff inside you through food. Daniel 9:3 tells us that Daniel, set his face unto the Lord God, to seek by prayer and supplications, with fasting, and sackcloth, and ashes. This means that he prayed, fasted, and mourned or was willing to feel pain! It is only when we are willing to be weak and allow those painful memories to seep out that we become sensitive to hear God's voice.
There are many accounts in the bible about people who fasted so they could hear God’s voice. 2 Chronicles 20, tells us of Jehoshaphat fasting and telling his armies to fast so they could hear from God. It is important to hear God’s voice because He alone can help you as you unlock hidden hurts that cause you to turn to food to numb yourself.
It is an awesome experience to hear God's voice. Is it enough to listen and not do what He says? This is another key.
But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. James 1: 22
Sunday, July 14, 2013
You Don't Have to Do This
You don't have to do this anymore.
I consumed large quantities of food most of my life. Gluttony was the only thing I knew to use to comfort myself. Gluttony was my friend. It was my refuge. I didn't believe I could stop living as a glutton. I totally bought the lie that I couldn't help myself and that I had no control over my situation. I had a disease like alcoholism. I was not to blame or my plight. This is a key piece of breaking free from any addiction. Many addicts do not believe they have the choice to walk away from the addiction. I can remember going from one fast food place to another pretending I was purchasing food for a group. The truth was I was purchasing food for myself. I am sure the lady at the donut shop knew the dozen pastries I had just purchased were not for my friends at home. She smiled sweetly not wanting to give me away, but I am sure she knew.
I knew no other way then to give in to the constant cravings, the hurt of unmet needs that could only be filled with food. I always believed I was powerless to do anything else. The fast I had begun enabled me to realize it was possible to live a different way. I could stop being a glutton and still survive. God, in his amazing way, told me I was no longer to live my life in the chains of gluttony. Over the next few days and weeks, I would ask God for permission before I put anything in my mouth. I wanted him to guide me. I wanted the food to be for nourishment and I wanted my eating to glorify Him. This is another key to unlocking the chains. I had always eaten to satisfy my own selfish desires. I never took a moment to consider how God wanted me to eat or if my eating was offensive to Him. In the past, my eating did nothing but create pain and destruction. It didn't just hurt me, but it hurt my little son who mimicked my behavior. He was now struggling with the same addiction. I wanted something different for him. I wanted something better for both of us. When I asked God how and what I should eat, He answered me. He would tell me to drink some milk and have half a sandwich. Soon the food addiction that had wrapped its talons into my very soul had lessened. Three months later, I stepped on the scale to discover I had lost 100 pounds. However, it is very important to know that as my focus went from pleasing God to the numbers on the scale; my struggle returned. This is another key.
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31
Hearing the voice of God is an amazing thing. I never wanted it to end. When God told me to start eating a more normal diet, I didn't listen. I was afraid I would go back to the numb existence of my gluttony. I stopped eating almost completely. I didn't know then that my disobedience and sin was pulling me away from God as surely as my gluttony had done in the past. Alas, I am handing you another golden key that you can use to unlock those chains that hold you captive.
Anything that consumes your attention becomes your God. This can be the pursuit of good health. The pursuit of a career. The desire for a spouse. The preoccupation with your body. This could mean being fixated on an overweight body or becoming preoccupied with staying thin. The fear of returning to gluttony itself can become your god. The bible calls it setting up idols.
Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Matthew 4:4
I consumed large quantities of food most of my life. Gluttony was the only thing I knew to use to comfort myself. Gluttony was my friend. It was my refuge. I didn't believe I could stop living as a glutton. I totally bought the lie that I couldn't help myself and that I had no control over my situation. I had a disease like alcoholism. I was not to blame or my plight. This is a key piece of breaking free from any addiction. Many addicts do not believe they have the choice to walk away from the addiction. I can remember going from one fast food place to another pretending I was purchasing food for a group. The truth was I was purchasing food for myself. I am sure the lady at the donut shop knew the dozen pastries I had just purchased were not for my friends at home. She smiled sweetly not wanting to give me away, but I am sure she knew.
I knew no other way then to give in to the constant cravings, the hurt of unmet needs that could only be filled with food. I always believed I was powerless to do anything else. The fast I had begun enabled me to realize it was possible to live a different way. I could stop being a glutton and still survive. God, in his amazing way, told me I was no longer to live my life in the chains of gluttony. Over the next few days and weeks, I would ask God for permission before I put anything in my mouth. I wanted him to guide me. I wanted the food to be for nourishment and I wanted my eating to glorify Him. This is another key to unlocking the chains. I had always eaten to satisfy my own selfish desires. I never took a moment to consider how God wanted me to eat or if my eating was offensive to Him. In the past, my eating did nothing but create pain and destruction. It didn't just hurt me, but it hurt my little son who mimicked my behavior. He was now struggling with the same addiction. I wanted something different for him. I wanted something better for both of us. When I asked God how and what I should eat, He answered me. He would tell me to drink some milk and have half a sandwich. Soon the food addiction that had wrapped its talons into my very soul had lessened. Three months later, I stepped on the scale to discover I had lost 100 pounds. However, it is very important to know that as my focus went from pleasing God to the numbers on the scale; my struggle returned. This is another key.
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31
Hearing the voice of God is an amazing thing. I never wanted it to end. When God told me to start eating a more normal diet, I didn't listen. I was afraid I would go back to the numb existence of my gluttony. I stopped eating almost completely. I didn't know then that my disobedience and sin was pulling me away from God as surely as my gluttony had done in the past. Alas, I am handing you another golden key that you can use to unlock those chains that hold you captive.
Anything that consumes your attention becomes your God. This can be the pursuit of good health. The pursuit of a career. The desire for a spouse. The preoccupation with your body. This could mean being fixated on an overweight body or becoming preoccupied with staying thin. The fear of returning to gluttony itself can become your god. The bible calls it setting up idols.
Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Matthew 4:4
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Hearing Voices
I started hearing voices. Don't call mental health officers just yet, though. The voice wasn't something creepy telling me to hurt others. It wasn't an audible voice. However, it was not my voice so I was a bit concerned the first time I heard the voice. This voice was like the quiet stillness of the lake on a summer day. It was calming and enveloped me in a loving way I had never known. I became very aware of everything that was going on inside and around me. This included sensing the hurt and sorrow in other people.
I have always been very perceptive concerning the needs of others. God had given me a great desire to reach out to others and meet their needs when possible. However, this was more than noticing some one's tattered clothing and offering them a new coat. This was actually peering into their heart with spiritual eyes, feeling their ache, and knowing the cause of that ache. It took me a little time to know what to do with these new abilities. I ignored them for a while. Sometimes I thought the hurt I felt was my own hurt. As the days of not eating passed, my ability to sense hurt and hear this voice increased.
I believe that gluttony not only builds a thick wall of protection around you physically; it also dulls your senses emotionally and spiritually. I think this is true of any sin. If you are rebelliously living a life of sin and disobedience to God, you will not be able to hear His voice as well. As I learned to recognize the voice of God, I also became more discerning of my own past. I started to feel hurt from my childhood as if it were currently happening. I started to detach from those around me because the hurt I felt confused and frightened me. I was so weak from the emotional roller coaster I was experiencing that I could hardly function. Everyone was so excited that I was losing the weight that no one noticed my emotional condition.
In addition to remembering things that had happened when I was a little girl, the pain from a recent miscarriage started to make me implode. My husband and I had grown so distant that I didn't turn to him. He was so busy with his work and we were both so overwhelmed trying to parent all of our foster children. I look back at those days and am amazed at the dichotomy I was experiencing. On one hand, I was growing spiritually by leaps and bounds and at the same time I was doing things that would seriously disrupt my life.
Since I was no longer anesthetizing myself with food, I felt everything. This was a very difficult time for me. I know it was a difficult time for my husband as well, but we were each individually dealing with our own hurts that we had no room for the other.
I could hear God speaking to me and beckoning me to be still with him. He had allowed me to experience these new revelations because he planned to help heal me through them. However, I was too busy to stop and allow him to do the restoring work that needed to be done. Then one day the medication stopped working. The side effects only lasted about a month. Soon, I found myself sitting in front of a large plate of food shoveling bite after bite into my mouth. "You don't need to do this anymore," said the quiet and now familiar voice.
I have always been very perceptive concerning the needs of others. God had given me a great desire to reach out to others and meet their needs when possible. However, this was more than noticing some one's tattered clothing and offering them a new coat. This was actually peering into their heart with spiritual eyes, feeling their ache, and knowing the cause of that ache. It took me a little time to know what to do with these new abilities. I ignored them for a while. Sometimes I thought the hurt I felt was my own hurt. As the days of not eating passed, my ability to sense hurt and hear this voice increased.
I believe that gluttony not only builds a thick wall of protection around you physically; it also dulls your senses emotionally and spiritually. I think this is true of any sin. If you are rebelliously living a life of sin and disobedience to God, you will not be able to hear His voice as well. As I learned to recognize the voice of God, I also became more discerning of my own past. I started to feel hurt from my childhood as if it were currently happening. I started to detach from those around me because the hurt I felt confused and frightened me. I was so weak from the emotional roller coaster I was experiencing that I could hardly function. Everyone was so excited that I was losing the weight that no one noticed my emotional condition.
In addition to remembering things that had happened when I was a little girl, the pain from a recent miscarriage started to make me implode. My husband and I had grown so distant that I didn't turn to him. He was so busy with his work and we were both so overwhelmed trying to parent all of our foster children. I look back at those days and am amazed at the dichotomy I was experiencing. On one hand, I was growing spiritually by leaps and bounds and at the same time I was doing things that would seriously disrupt my life.
Since I was no longer anesthetizing myself with food, I felt everything. This was a very difficult time for me. I know it was a difficult time for my husband as well, but we were each individually dealing with our own hurts that we had no room for the other.
I could hear God speaking to me and beckoning me to be still with him. He had allowed me to experience these new revelations because he planned to help heal me through them. However, I was too busy to stop and allow him to do the restoring work that needed to be done. Then one day the medication stopped working. The side effects only lasted about a month. Soon, I found myself sitting in front of a large plate of food shoveling bite after bite into my mouth. "You don't need to do this anymore," said the quiet and now familiar voice.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Little Chet on the Beach
My sister and I had what seemed to be a happy childhood. My father's military pension provided us with every modern comfort. My mother liked to dress us up in expensive flowery dresses with crinoline slips that would make them puff out. I never felt completely pretty because my polio required me to wear supportive devices. The puffy dresses just made me feel like a fat little blow fish with supportive devices! No one would have guessed we were anything but a happy little family.
Looking back, I find it very ironic that my mother worked so hard to cause me to gain weight. Yet, she was so critical of my weight. I think once my addiction took hold, she must have realized it wasn't the best thing for me. I believe that in her attempt to right her wrong, she would criticize almost everything about me. "You have such a pretty face, but..." My life was filled with all her "buts". There isn't a day that didn't go by that she didn't ask me, "What is wrong with you, little chet!?" She called my sister and I names. Her accent made the profanities she called us sound unclear. Little Chet and little Beach were the two favorite names she called us. We knew exactly what she meant to say, though. I tried so hard to make sure I didn't do or say anything that would offend her. I was the housekeeper. I did the laundry. I did my best to cook for my family. I cared for and pretty much raised my sister. My mother always complained that we didn't have enough money and so I didn't ask for very much.. except food. She was always very willing to give me lots of food.
My father lived with us off and on. He was an alcoholic who did very dangerous things at times. I know this to be true. Nonetheless, I also know that my father was kind to me. He loved me and I felt loved down in the deepest of my hurt. I asked him for a book one day. The next week I received boxes and boxes of every book imaginable. Charles Dickens, Robert Louis Stevenson, and every author you could think of! He brought me flowers and told me I was pretty. Even his pet name for me, "Mi Gordita", translated chubby; made me feel pretty. But, his love wasn't enough to fill my insatiable need for food.
My little sister, on the other hand, had the opposite problem. She was always on the verge of starving. She rarely ate and did all kinds of clever things to avoid having to eat. One day, she took her dinner and hid it under the sofa cushion. Days later the food had started to become rancid and the odor was so strong. My mother found it and brought my sister and I into the living room. "Which one of you did this!" she raged. My sister, who spoke very few words growing up, pointed at me. I told my mother that I didn't hide the food. I know my mother knew I was incapable of hiding food. I ate my food and anything else that was left on the table. Yet, she beat me until I could no longer cry for my sister's mistake. Years later, she would tell us that she knew my sister had lied, but wanted to teach us a lesson. The lesson I learned was that I was worthless. I learned I had no value and deserved to be treated the way my mother treated me.
Looking back, I find it very ironic that my mother worked so hard to cause me to gain weight. Yet, she was so critical of my weight. I think once my addiction took hold, she must have realized it wasn't the best thing for me. I believe that in her attempt to right her wrong, she would criticize almost everything about me. "You have such a pretty face, but..." My life was filled with all her "buts". There isn't a day that didn't go by that she didn't ask me, "What is wrong with you, little chet!?" She called my sister and I names. Her accent made the profanities she called us sound unclear. Little Chet and little Beach were the two favorite names she called us. We knew exactly what she meant to say, though. I tried so hard to make sure I didn't do or say anything that would offend her. I was the housekeeper. I did the laundry. I did my best to cook for my family. I cared for and pretty much raised my sister. My mother always complained that we didn't have enough money and so I didn't ask for very much.. except food. She was always very willing to give me lots of food.
My father lived with us off and on. He was an alcoholic who did very dangerous things at times. I know this to be true. Nonetheless, I also know that my father was kind to me. He loved me and I felt loved down in the deepest of my hurt. I asked him for a book one day. The next week I received boxes and boxes of every book imaginable. Charles Dickens, Robert Louis Stevenson, and every author you could think of! He brought me flowers and told me I was pretty. Even his pet name for me, "Mi Gordita", translated chubby; made me feel pretty. But, his love wasn't enough to fill my insatiable need for food.
My little sister, on the other hand, had the opposite problem. She was always on the verge of starving. She rarely ate and did all kinds of clever things to avoid having to eat. One day, she took her dinner and hid it under the sofa cushion. Days later the food had started to become rancid and the odor was so strong. My mother found it and brought my sister and I into the living room. "Which one of you did this!" she raged. My sister, who spoke very few words growing up, pointed at me. I told my mother that I didn't hide the food. I know my mother knew I was incapable of hiding food. I ate my food and anything else that was left on the table. Yet, she beat me until I could no longer cry for my sister's mistake. Years later, she would tell us that she knew my sister had lied, but wanted to teach us a lesson. The lesson I learned was that I was worthless. I learned I had no value and deserved to be treated the way my mother treated me.
Monday, July 1, 2013
If It Makes You Happy...
If it makes you happy, then why are you so sad?
I started to overeat as soon as I was old enough to chew food. I spent the first two years of my life in Mexico. We lived in San Miguel de Allende where the land was beautiful and the food plentiful! My mother's Hispanic culture revered fat children as being healthy and affluent. Apparently, I was one of the healthiest and most affluent babies on the block! I contracted the polio myelitis while living in Mexico. My father, certain that medical care was better in the United States, moved us to Austin, Texas. My mother continued to feed me more food than was needed for my little frame. I believe that I resisted her attempts to force feed me for a while.
We didn't have any friends or family in Austin. My mother didn't speak English and had the appearance of someone from Vietnam. People thought she was Vietnamese. This, in and of itself, isn't a bad thing. However, this was during the Vietnam war era. She suffered significant discrimination. I can see why she would not have trusted anyone. When it was time for my mother to go deliver my baby sister, my mother had little options for childcare for me. She felt she had no choice but to leave me with my adult schizophrenic brother. I experienced some very detrimental things while in his care. I believe this experience created a cavernous emptiness and hurt deep in my heart. I no longer resisted her urging for me to eat. In fact, by the time I was six, I already had the round fullness in my face one would associate with an overweight child. I was also distinctly aware that my weight and my polio made me different. I believed that this difference made me of less value than other people. I also carried a profound feeling of shame and evil foreboding. This made me very receptive to developing a food addiction. Knowing what door might have created the doorway for your food addiction is important. Its a key to unlocking your chains.
I am going to share some things about my past at times because its important to understand how we develop these negative patterns. Addictions and sinful patterns can be traced to unmet need or trauma. I think this is even true for people that cheat on their spouses. Humanity does all kinds of things to have their unmet need fulfilled and to stop the hurt of trauma. When we choose anything to help us, other than God, we are in eminent danger of developing a sinful pattern that is almost impossible to overcome. And yet with God all things are possible!
God began the process of delivering me from food addiction by pulling away one hurt at a time. Slowly, He peeled away the layers of my past and as He did I learned how my negative response to the things done to me birthed sin in my life. I remember how hard it was for me to come to terms with the fact that my eating was a sin. The bible calls it gluttony. It was so much easier to call it a struggle or a medical problem I couldn't control or even an addiction. I do believe that I had given in to the sin of gluttony for so long that I could no longer control it. Sin has a way of controlling you the longer you resist God and turn to sin. The opposite is true as well. Sin loses its grip on you the more you resist sin and turn to God. It isn't my desire to condemn anyone and I know it isn't God's desire to reveal sin in your life without giving you a way of escape. God is so kind and merciful and He desires to give you more than a way of escape. He longs to give you a future and a hope and a purpose. He longs to heal your trauma and hurt and meet your unmet needs.
As you read my story, please resist the urge to judge anyone, lest God judge you. We are all capable of similar atrocities apart from the grace and mercy of God almighty. A friend said it best recently. We all live in glass houses and should avoid throwing stones at anyone lest they decide to throw those stones back.
My mother liked to share stories about her life with me. One day, after sharing some very sad things about her own childhood, she told me she intentionally forced me to eat large quantities of food so I would gain weight. She hoped the added weight would keep me from being molested. My head was still reeling hearing about her life in Mexico. I wasn't sure what to do with the information concerning my weight. I had just come back from attempting a run around the block in a silver, plastic, sweat suit. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't break free from my weight problem and voracious appetite. I can't remember how old I was when she no longer had to force me to overeat. However, I do know I was still very young when I became addicted to consuming large quantities of food. It was especially painful to learn this lifestyle was chosen for me by someone who was supposed to protect me and teach me the right way to go in life.
Psalm 27:10 Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD cares for me.
I started to overeat as soon as I was old enough to chew food. I spent the first two years of my life in Mexico. We lived in San Miguel de Allende where the land was beautiful and the food plentiful! My mother's Hispanic culture revered fat children as being healthy and affluent. Apparently, I was one of the healthiest and most affluent babies on the block! I contracted the polio myelitis while living in Mexico. My father, certain that medical care was better in the United States, moved us to Austin, Texas. My mother continued to feed me more food than was needed for my little frame. I believe that I resisted her attempts to force feed me for a while.
We didn't have any friends or family in Austin. My mother didn't speak English and had the appearance of someone from Vietnam. People thought she was Vietnamese. This, in and of itself, isn't a bad thing. However, this was during the Vietnam war era. She suffered significant discrimination. I can see why she would not have trusted anyone. When it was time for my mother to go deliver my baby sister, my mother had little options for childcare for me. She felt she had no choice but to leave me with my adult schizophrenic brother. I experienced some very detrimental things while in his care. I believe this experience created a cavernous emptiness and hurt deep in my heart. I no longer resisted her urging for me to eat. In fact, by the time I was six, I already had the round fullness in my face one would associate with an overweight child. I was also distinctly aware that my weight and my polio made me different. I believed that this difference made me of less value than other people. I also carried a profound feeling of shame and evil foreboding. This made me very receptive to developing a food addiction. Knowing what door might have created the doorway for your food addiction is important. Its a key to unlocking your chains.
I am going to share some things about my past at times because its important to understand how we develop these negative patterns. Addictions and sinful patterns can be traced to unmet need or trauma. I think this is even true for people that cheat on their spouses. Humanity does all kinds of things to have their unmet need fulfilled and to stop the hurt of trauma. When we choose anything to help us, other than God, we are in eminent danger of developing a sinful pattern that is almost impossible to overcome. And yet with God all things are possible!
God began the process of delivering me from food addiction by pulling away one hurt at a time. Slowly, He peeled away the layers of my past and as He did I learned how my negative response to the things done to me birthed sin in my life. I remember how hard it was for me to come to terms with the fact that my eating was a sin. The bible calls it gluttony. It was so much easier to call it a struggle or a medical problem I couldn't control or even an addiction. I do believe that I had given in to the sin of gluttony for so long that I could no longer control it. Sin has a way of controlling you the longer you resist God and turn to sin. The opposite is true as well. Sin loses its grip on you the more you resist sin and turn to God. It isn't my desire to condemn anyone and I know it isn't God's desire to reveal sin in your life without giving you a way of escape. God is so kind and merciful and He desires to give you more than a way of escape. He longs to give you a future and a hope and a purpose. He longs to heal your trauma and hurt and meet your unmet needs.
As you read my story, please resist the urge to judge anyone, lest God judge you. We are all capable of similar atrocities apart from the grace and mercy of God almighty. A friend said it best recently. We all live in glass houses and should avoid throwing stones at anyone lest they decide to throw those stones back.
My mother liked to share stories about her life with me. One day, after sharing some very sad things about her own childhood, she told me she intentionally forced me to eat large quantities of food so I would gain weight. She hoped the added weight would keep me from being molested. My head was still reeling hearing about her life in Mexico. I wasn't sure what to do with the information concerning my weight. I had just come back from attempting a run around the block in a silver, plastic, sweat suit. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't break free from my weight problem and voracious appetite. I can't remember how old I was when she no longer had to force me to overeat. However, I do know I was still very young when I became addicted to consuming large quantities of food. It was especially painful to learn this lifestyle was chosen for me by someone who was supposed to protect me and teach me the right way to go in life.
Psalm 27:10 Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD cares for me.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Unshackled
I lived most of my life shackled to a food addiction. I was a fat woman living in a world that did not accept me. Correction... I was a morbidly obese woman. I still remember trying to fight back the tears as I accidentally caught the words in my medical record. The doctor had left the room to go get sample medications for my sinus infection. The sheet of paper on the counter read, "pleasant and well-nourished, morbidly obese female". Hmpf! Well, I was at least pleasant and well-nourished. I think the doctor have written very well-nourished rather than call me morbidly obese. I would rather be called any other obscenity. I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I never went back to that doctor again. The truth is I avoided not only going to the doctor, but going to many places. The few times I tried to go places like the mall I felt so out of place. I would go into department stores with plenty of money to spend yet being ignored by every sales' person. I'm not sure how someone wearing a size 26 or 28 outfit could become invisible, but apparently I was invisible to everyone except myself. My size was very hard for me to ignore.
My weight affected every area of my life. I was acutely aware of every jiggly move I made. Anytime I went to sit in a chair, I had to determine if I would fit in the chair and if the chair would hold my weight. I can't tell you how many times I lied and said I wanted to stand. Then there was the time I sat down thinking the chair was big enough for me and my wide hips became wedged in the chair. In had trouble keeping up with others, and one day almost jeopardized my son's life. He let go of my hand and proceeded to run into the street after his balloon. I was not able to catch him. Thankfully, a man was watching close by and ran ahead of me just in time to catch Alex before he reached the traffic. Amusement parks were a nightmare because I rarely fit in the seat and when I did the seat belts rarely went all the way around me. The disgusted looks of those in line as I pulled myself out of the chair after being told the belt had to be worn was almost too much. I wondered if they felt sad for me or thankful that they weren't in my position. We won't even discuss the problems someone of my size has with hygiene. Its hard to clean what you can't reach! However, the saddest thing in my life wasn't my physical challenges. I was spiritually starving as a result of my compulsion to overeat. I would wake up in the morning thinking about what I would eat and before breakfast was digested I was already planning my snack. Food consumed my every thought. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my plight so I avoided eating in front of others. I felt guilty as if by being fat I forfeited my right to eat. There were many days I would eat nothing until I came home. Then I would be so hungry that I couldn't stop eating.
I tried every diet and weight loss pill known to man, but was never able to keep the weight off for very long. I even went to a deliverance minister sure that I must have a demon or some other spiritually wicked thing persuading me to stuff myself into oblivion. He had me renounce all generational curses, sins of my parents, sins of their parents, sins of the neighbors, and anyone else they could think of! Several of my well meaning friends told me God was willing to heal me if I would just receive this healing. I was told that my sin kept me fat. My doctor gave me diets and told me I was choosing to eat more calories than my body needed. A wicked endocrinologist mocked me saying, "Surely, you don't think your weight is really a medical problem."
It was never my desire to blame my weight on a medical problem, the sins of generations including my parents, or anything else. I just wanted to be free of the chains that enslaved me. I wanted to be a normal person. I wanted to shop in normal size clothing stores. I wanted the salespeople to acknowledge my existence. I wanted God to acknowledge my existence because surely He must have forgotten me, too. Otherwise, why didn't He hear my cries. I spent years of praying and pleading for help with my problem; I didn't really know where else to turn. I finally made the decision that I would just live my life as a fat person and accept my lot. This blog is the story of how God heard the desperate cries of my heart, met me on the deepest level, rescued me after decades as an obese person, and delivered me from the chains of addiction.
I called upon the LORD in distress: the LORD answered me, and set me in a broad place.
Psalm 118:5
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Connecting the Dots
Connecting the dots of my life took several years. My brother had passed away and my mother had shared that I had been left with him for several weeks while she was in the hospital. She and my sister had complications during delivery and mama had remained at the hospital.
I started to suspect that my brother had done something to me during that time. Its almost like a veil had been torn away from the room of my heart that contained those memories. The confirmation came to me one day when I was on a neighborhood walk.
I started to walk at a normal pace, but soon my heart started to race. I began to experience some significant pain in my abdomen. It was as if someone were standing on my stomach. I started running and running and running in a state of panic. I am sure I was experiencing a full blown panic attack. I clutched my chest and my stomach looking around for someone that could help me. There was no one on a trail that normally is filled with children riding bikes or couples walking hand in hand. Down I went into the dry, hot grass. I cried like I had never cried before. It was during those moments as I lay in the grass holding my stomach that I remembered the eyes of my brother over my little body. I was no longer a woman, but a frightened two-year-old girl. I am amazed that no one came running to my rescue. I am sure my labored breathing could have been heard a mile away. I remembered my brother. I remembered the youth worker from church whom I had trusted. I could still smell the malodorous scent of alcohol and cigarettes that permeated his apartment walls. Confusion. Was it his home or my father's room I smelled? So many memories that flooded into my thoughts. Each memory like a stuck Band-Aid being ripped painfully off.
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful." Revelation 22:4-5
I started to suspect that my brother had done something to me during that time. Its almost like a veil had been torn away from the room of my heart that contained those memories. The confirmation came to me one day when I was on a neighborhood walk.
I started to walk at a normal pace, but soon my heart started to race. I began to experience some significant pain in my abdomen. It was as if someone were standing on my stomach. I started running and running and running in a state of panic. I am sure I was experiencing a full blown panic attack. I clutched my chest and my stomach looking around for someone that could help me. There was no one on a trail that normally is filled with children riding bikes or couples walking hand in hand. Down I went into the dry, hot grass. I cried like I had never cried before. It was during those moments as I lay in the grass holding my stomach that I remembered the eyes of my brother over my little body. I was no longer a woman, but a frightened two-year-old girl. I am amazed that no one came running to my rescue. I am sure my labored breathing could have been heard a mile away. I remembered my brother. I remembered the youth worker from church whom I had trusted. I could still smell the malodorous scent of alcohol and cigarettes that permeated his apartment walls. Confusion. Was it his home or my father's room I smelled? So many memories that flooded into my thoughts. Each memory like a stuck Band-Aid being ripped painfully off.
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful." Revelation 22:4-5
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Pop Some Pills
Pop some pills, go on some extreme fad diet, or eat a grapefruit and watch the pounds melt off!! I had lost and gained hundreds of pounds over the years. I am not sure how much I weighed when I presented at the doctor's office. I am sure that I no longer cared about my weight and lived in complete defeat to my food addiction. I had suffered from anxiety and post traumatic stress symptoms for many years. However, as a foster parent, I had very little time to concern myself with my needs. I knew something was very wrong and recall telling my family and a few friends that I wasn't well. But I functioned so well that people didn't take my concerns too seriously.
I can't say I blame them. I was leading bible studies, mentoring young women, initiating neighborhood block parties, and chairing three neighborhood committees. I volunteered in church in leadership positions. My best friend was the pastor's wife. She didn't even guess that I was coming undone. I was also fostering children with similar childhoods as my own. I did medical transcription from home and taught the occasional medical management class through a consulting agency. My childhood had taught me that acceptance was based on how much I did and how "good" I was. I carried this pattern into my adult life and was about to drive myself into exhaustion.
One day, I finally made an appointment to see a doctor. The psychiatrist took a complete history of my early life. I could tell she was dumbfounded as she asked me questions about my childhood stopping to repeat what I shared to make sure she had heard me correctly. She was a young woman with a matter-of-fact attitude. I must confess that I didn't like her. "Are you sure you experienced these things and they are in your memory rather than someone telling you about them?" she asked.
It amazes people when I tell them I am able to remember as far back as age two-years-old. I think children remember experiences that give them great happiness or great trauma. My early life created a foundation on how I would see God and other people as well. This also tainted how I saw myself, too. When trust is broken at an early age, people struggle to have an accurate view of God, themselves, and have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. There are all kinds of problems that occur due to childhood trauma.
The psychiatrist told me I had anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. She said the situation with the foster children had triggered my PTSD which she believes originated in my childhood. It is hard for me to get people to understand, but I really do not think my childhood was all that bad. At least, I don't until I share it with someone else and they react the way this psychiatrist did. She told me she had never personally heard of a story as "traumatic" as my story. She tried to get me to see a therapist, but let me go with medication instead. The first day I took the medication, I recall I didn't have the usual post-polio muscular pain. I also remember not having the daily dull headache that came from fostering traumatized children. However, I didn't think the medication helped me that much. I can remember complaining to my husband about the amount of money we had spent. Although, I continued to take the medication. I was still having the nightmares about things that happened to me as a little girl. I still hit the floor when I heard loud noises. I still became very anxious and sometimes sick when anyone other than a child would touch me. I wasn't any better! After a few weeks or so, people started to ask me if I was losing weight. I was so heavy that my immediate family and I hadn't really noticed. I tended to wear billowy clothing to hide my size as well. I was amazed when I stepped on the scale and found I had lost almost 30 pounds. The medication had an unusual side effect, it made me not want to eat.
Matthew 17:21 And this kind doth not go forth except in prayer and fasting.
(This kind of evil does not leave except through prayer and fasting.)
I can't say I blame them. I was leading bible studies, mentoring young women, initiating neighborhood block parties, and chairing three neighborhood committees. I volunteered in church in leadership positions. My best friend was the pastor's wife. She didn't even guess that I was coming undone. I was also fostering children with similar childhoods as my own. I did medical transcription from home and taught the occasional medical management class through a consulting agency. My childhood had taught me that acceptance was based on how much I did and how "good" I was. I carried this pattern into my adult life and was about to drive myself into exhaustion.
One day, I finally made an appointment to see a doctor. The psychiatrist took a complete history of my early life. I could tell she was dumbfounded as she asked me questions about my childhood stopping to repeat what I shared to make sure she had heard me correctly. She was a young woman with a matter-of-fact attitude. I must confess that I didn't like her. "Are you sure you experienced these things and they are in your memory rather than someone telling you about them?" she asked.
It amazes people when I tell them I am able to remember as far back as age two-years-old. I think children remember experiences that give them great happiness or great trauma. My early life created a foundation on how I would see God and other people as well. This also tainted how I saw myself, too. When trust is broken at an early age, people struggle to have an accurate view of God, themselves, and have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. There are all kinds of problems that occur due to childhood trauma.
The psychiatrist told me I had anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. She said the situation with the foster children had triggered my PTSD which she believes originated in my childhood. It is hard for me to get people to understand, but I really do not think my childhood was all that bad. At least, I don't until I share it with someone else and they react the way this psychiatrist did. She told me she had never personally heard of a story as "traumatic" as my story. She tried to get me to see a therapist, but let me go with medication instead. The first day I took the medication, I recall I didn't have the usual post-polio muscular pain. I also remember not having the daily dull headache that came from fostering traumatized children. However, I didn't think the medication helped me that much. I can remember complaining to my husband about the amount of money we had spent. Although, I continued to take the medication. I was still having the nightmares about things that happened to me as a little girl. I still hit the floor when I heard loud noises. I still became very anxious and sometimes sick when anyone other than a child would touch me. I wasn't any better! After a few weeks or so, people started to ask me if I was losing weight. I was so heavy that my immediate family and I hadn't really noticed. I tended to wear billowy clothing to hide my size as well. I was amazed when I stepped on the scale and found I had lost almost 30 pounds. The medication had an unusual side effect, it made me not want to eat.
Matthew 17:21 And this kind doth not go forth except in prayer and fasting.
(This kind of evil does not leave except through prayer and fasting.)
Friday, June 14, 2013
You Don't Have to do This
You don't have to do this anymore.
I consumed large quantities of food most of my life. Gluttony was the only thing I knew to use to comfort myself. Gluttony was my friend. It was my refuge. I didn't believe I could stop living as a glutton. I totally bought the lie that I couldn't help myself and that I had no control over my situation. I had a disease like alcoholism. I was not to blame or my plight. This is a key piece of breaking free from any addiction. Many addicts do not believe they have the choice to walk away from the addiction. I can remember going from one fast food place to another pretending I was purchasing food for a group. The truth was I was purchasing food for myself. I am sure the lady at the donut shop knew the dozen pastries I had just purchased were not for my friends at home. She smiled sweetly not wanting to give me away, but I am sure she knew.
I knew no other way then to give in to the constant cravings, the hurt of unmet needs that could only be filled with food. I always believed I was powerless to do anything else. The fast I had begun enabled me to realize it was possible to live a different way. I could stop being a glutton and still survive. God, in his amazing way, told me I was no longer to live my life in the chains of gluttony. Over the next few days and weeks, I would ask God for permission before I put anything in my mouth. I wanted him to guide me. I wanted the food to be for nourishment and I wanted my eating to glorify Him. This is another key to unlocking the chains. I had always eaten to satisfy my own selfish desires. I never took a moment to consider how God wanted me to eat or if my eating was offensive to Him. In the past, my eating did nothing but create pain and destruction. It didn't just hurt me, but it hurt my little son who mimicked my behavior. He was now struggling with the same addiction. I wanted something different for him. I wanted something better for both of us. When I asked God how and what I should eat, He answered me. He would tell me to drink some milk and have half a sandwich. Soon the food addiction that had wrapped its talons into my very soul had lessened. Three months later, I stepped on the scale to discover I had lost 100 pounds. However, it is very important to know that as my focus went from pleasing God to the numbers on the scale; my struggle returned. This is another key.
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31
Hearing the voice of God is an amazing thing. I never wanted it to end. When God told me to start eating a more normal diet, I didn't listen. I was afraid I would go back to the numb existence of my gluttony. I stopped eating at all. I didn't know then that my disobedience and sin was pulling me away from God as surely as my gluttony had done in the past. Alas, I am handing you another golden key that you can use to unlock those chains that hold you captive.
Anything that consumes your attention becomes your God. This can be the pursuit of good health. The pursuit of a career. The desire for a spouse. The preoccupation with your body. This could mean being fixated on an overweight body or becoming preoccupied with staying thin. The fear of returning to gluttony itself can become your god. The bible calls it setting up idols.
Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Matthew 4:4
I consumed large quantities of food most of my life. Gluttony was the only thing I knew to use to comfort myself. Gluttony was my friend. It was my refuge. I didn't believe I could stop living as a glutton. I totally bought the lie that I couldn't help myself and that I had no control over my situation. I had a disease like alcoholism. I was not to blame or my plight. This is a key piece of breaking free from any addiction. Many addicts do not believe they have the choice to walk away from the addiction. I can remember going from one fast food place to another pretending I was purchasing food for a group. The truth was I was purchasing food for myself. I am sure the lady at the donut shop knew the dozen pastries I had just purchased were not for my friends at home. She smiled sweetly not wanting to give me away, but I am sure she knew.
I knew no other way then to give in to the constant cravings, the hurt of unmet needs that could only be filled with food. I always believed I was powerless to do anything else. The fast I had begun enabled me to realize it was possible to live a different way. I could stop being a glutton and still survive. God, in his amazing way, told me I was no longer to live my life in the chains of gluttony. Over the next few days and weeks, I would ask God for permission before I put anything in my mouth. I wanted him to guide me. I wanted the food to be for nourishment and I wanted my eating to glorify Him. This is another key to unlocking the chains. I had always eaten to satisfy my own selfish desires. I never took a moment to consider how God wanted me to eat or if my eating was offensive to Him. In the past, my eating did nothing but create pain and destruction. It didn't just hurt me, but it hurt my little son who mimicked my behavior. He was now struggling with the same addiction. I wanted something different for him. I wanted something better for both of us. When I asked God how and what I should eat, He answered me. He would tell me to drink some milk and have half a sandwich. Soon the food addiction that had wrapped its talons into my very soul had lessened. Three months later, I stepped on the scale to discover I had lost 100 pounds. However, it is very important to know that as my focus went from pleasing God to the numbers on the scale; my struggle returned. This is another key.
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31
Hearing the voice of God is an amazing thing. I never wanted it to end. When God told me to start eating a more normal diet, I didn't listen. I was afraid I would go back to the numb existence of my gluttony. I stopped eating at all. I didn't know then that my disobedience and sin was pulling me away from God as surely as my gluttony had done in the past. Alas, I am handing you another golden key that you can use to unlock those chains that hold you captive.
Anything that consumes your attention becomes your God. This can be the pursuit of good health. The pursuit of a career. The desire for a spouse. The preoccupation with your body. This could mean being fixated on an overweight body or becoming preoccupied with staying thin. The fear of returning to gluttony itself can become your god. The bible calls it setting up idols.
Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Matthew 4:4
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
True Deliverance
Most people that have spent any significant time with me know that for most of my life I lived enslaved to gluttony or what the world more commonly calls an eating disorder or perhaps a food addiction. I was taught to abuse food as a little girl before I was old enough to know right from wrong. By the time I was old enough to know better, those flesh patterns were deeply set in me and an addiction or what I refer to as bondage had already took place. Being in bondage to food is no different, in my opinion, than being in bondage to anything else. Cocaine, heroine, sex, self, money... you really could put almost anything here. Everyone on the planet is or has been in bondage, enslaved, shackled to something at one time or another. This is true whether you believe it or not. I once read a book where the author said that some people's bondage may look like USDA prime choice flesh, but its a flesh pattern nonetheless. This means that someone that is addicted to the pursuit of money may look prettier on the outside than someone that is addicted to food, but the addiction is the same. The person addicted to food may weight 300 pounds and drive an old Ford whereas the person addicted to the pursuit of money may have a lucrative career and drive a Porsche, but both people are still enslaved to something. They are slaves.
For many years I sought the help of counselors, diet pills, self-help books, physicians, gyms, and all kinds of other things to help me lose weight. I would lose the weight for a while, but would always return - as the bible puts it- to my vomit. Simply put, this means I would return to the object of my addiction. I would return to the thing that kept me in bondage. I'd return to the prison of my food addiction. Enslaved and unable to do anything else but gain all of my weight back.
Several years ago, my friend Enrica's husband gave me a book "Lifetime Guarantee" by Bill Gilham. I really believe that this was the beginning of a journey God started in my life. This was the catalyst of removing the shackles of my slavery to food. Its taken several years, but during this time, I believe I have found the solution, the answer, the cure, the miracle if you will, for all addictions.
I'd like to share that with you now as I shared it with my friend earlier.
I think for some people this process is immediate. God removes the addiction the way you'd remove a splinter from your finger. Its done quickly and fairly painlessly and always to His glory. This wasn't the case for me. My story took several years and it wasn't a road that wasn't without pain. I don't know why some people it takes longer and some its quickly. We each have a calling and a purpose. I can only speak of what God has done for me for His glory.
I am not a bible scholar. I don't have lots of bible verses to share with you to prove my theory. If you have some to share, please share them with me. I'd love to have bible verses to support my experience. I can only tell you what God has done for me.
God showed me that my bondage was removed at the cross. The work was done and finished when Jesus was nailed on the cross. "It is finished!" It meant exactly that. It was all done for me. I receive it by grace. God's grace and only God's grace frees me from the bondage of my food addiction.
I wasn't delivered from the bondage of my food addiction when I became a Christian, in my opinion, because I didn't truly understand my identity in Christ. I lived like a slave to my flesh for decades. It wasn't until recently after a weird medication side effect left me unable to eat that I started to hear the voice of God concerning my food addiction. When I no longer had the medication side effect, I once again started to practice my food addiction. It was then that God loudly and clearly spoke to me. "YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT." This was obviously true since on the medicine I had been able to go without being a glutton. Until that moment I truly believed that I had no choice but to constantly eat and live enslaved to food. It wasn't instantaneously, but in the days and weeks and months since that time God has spoken to me and told me that I do not have to overeat. Its been a process.
I have lost a lot of weight since that time. I continue to eat a very reduced calorie diet. I do this as a way to bring my body under authority to Christ rather than being under authority to food. My body was enslaved to food for so long that it is now learning to be enslaved and in submission to the things of God. Yes, I am being a bit extreme as is evident by the amount of weight I have lost, but then again when you have lived on the other side in extreme indulgence you must be extreme. I have learned that there are certain foods that tend to trigger the desire to overeat and I avoid them. Some people would say that this means I haven't been truly delivered. I'd say this might be true. I am being delivered. I'd also say that I am resisting the devil. Again, this is a process. I know I won't always have to avoid certain foods just as I won't always have to live with a very reduced calorie diet. I lived with an eating disorder/bondage/gluttony/food addiction for a long time. I believe God can extend grace to heal me immediately or he can choose to heal me day by day. I know that whatever God chooses to do he will do it for his glory, my good, and the good of others and I am okay with that. For the time being, this is what I believe God is calling me to do and I believe this is key to my deliverance. Until then, I praise him every day giving him the glory for the miracle he has given me. I can go to sleep tonight knowing that I do not have to confess the sin of gluttony. In the past, years went by without a day of me not having a gluttony free day. Praise be to the God of heaven and earth for his amazing grace that has delivered me from the chains of the sin of gluttony and food addiction. May His name be forever praised.
I pray that today you would find deliverance from the chains that hold you captive. I pray you would find your deliverance at the foot of the cross, through the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and open the doors for receiving that grace by realizing who you are today- your identity in Jesus Christ.
For many years I sought the help of counselors, diet pills, self-help books, physicians, gyms, and all kinds of other things to help me lose weight. I would lose the weight for a while, but would always return - as the bible puts it- to my vomit. Simply put, this means I would return to the object of my addiction. I would return to the thing that kept me in bondage. I'd return to the prison of my food addiction. Enslaved and unable to do anything else but gain all of my weight back.
Several years ago, my friend Enrica's husband gave me a book "Lifetime Guarantee" by Bill Gilham. I really believe that this was the beginning of a journey God started in my life. This was the catalyst of removing the shackles of my slavery to food. Its taken several years, but during this time, I believe I have found the solution, the answer, the cure, the miracle if you will, for all addictions.
I'd like to share that with you now as I shared it with my friend earlier.
I think for some people this process is immediate. God removes the addiction the way you'd remove a splinter from your finger. Its done quickly and fairly painlessly and always to His glory. This wasn't the case for me. My story took several years and it wasn't a road that wasn't without pain. I don't know why some people it takes longer and some its quickly. We each have a calling and a purpose. I can only speak of what God has done for me for His glory.
I am not a bible scholar. I don't have lots of bible verses to share with you to prove my theory. If you have some to share, please share them with me. I'd love to have bible verses to support my experience. I can only tell you what God has done for me.
God showed me that my bondage was removed at the cross. The work was done and finished when Jesus was nailed on the cross. "It is finished!" It meant exactly that. It was all done for me. I receive it by grace. God's grace and only God's grace frees me from the bondage of my food addiction.
I wasn't delivered from the bondage of my food addiction when I became a Christian, in my opinion, because I didn't truly understand my identity in Christ. I lived like a slave to my flesh for decades. It wasn't until recently after a weird medication side effect left me unable to eat that I started to hear the voice of God concerning my food addiction. When I no longer had the medication side effect, I once again started to practice my food addiction. It was then that God loudly and clearly spoke to me. "YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT." This was obviously true since on the medicine I had been able to go without being a glutton. Until that moment I truly believed that I had no choice but to constantly eat and live enslaved to food. It wasn't instantaneously, but in the days and weeks and months since that time God has spoken to me and told me that I do not have to overeat. Its been a process.
I have lost a lot of weight since that time. I continue to eat a very reduced calorie diet. I do this as a way to bring my body under authority to Christ rather than being under authority to food. My body was enslaved to food for so long that it is now learning to be enslaved and in submission to the things of God. Yes, I am being a bit extreme as is evident by the amount of weight I have lost, but then again when you have lived on the other side in extreme indulgence you must be extreme. I have learned that there are certain foods that tend to trigger the desire to overeat and I avoid them. Some people would say that this means I haven't been truly delivered. I'd say this might be true. I am being delivered. I'd also say that I am resisting the devil. Again, this is a process. I know I won't always have to avoid certain foods just as I won't always have to live with a very reduced calorie diet. I lived with an eating disorder/bondage/gluttony/food addiction for a long time. I believe God can extend grace to heal me immediately or he can choose to heal me day by day. I know that whatever God chooses to do he will do it for his glory, my good, and the good of others and I am okay with that. For the time being, this is what I believe God is calling me to do and I believe this is key to my deliverance. Until then, I praise him every day giving him the glory for the miracle he has given me. I can go to sleep tonight knowing that I do not have to confess the sin of gluttony. In the past, years went by without a day of me not having a gluttony free day. Praise be to the God of heaven and earth for his amazing grace that has delivered me from the chains of the sin of gluttony and food addiction. May His name be forever praised.
I pray that today you would find deliverance from the chains that hold you captive. I pray you would find your deliverance at the foot of the cross, through the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and open the doors for receiving that grace by realizing who you are today- your identity in Jesus Christ.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Weight Update
I am eating more than I have in months. Although, this morning the scale says I've lost another pound and when I got out of bed again I felt the sensation that the room was going to go black. I'm taking 2-3 multiple vitamins a day. My nails aren't as thin as they were last month so I know that I am getting healthier.
I promised the kids we'd go swimming somewhere so for today that issue will have to wait. We have insurance now so at least it isn't something I have to worry myself "sick" over.
I promised the kids we'd go swimming somewhere so for today that issue will have to wait. We have insurance now so at least it isn't something I have to worry myself "sick" over.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Amazing Grace
I had a very unique experience on the way to Isaiah's cardiologist. I had to eat breakfast in the car as I didn't want to be late to the appointment. In the past, as a heavier person, I felt guilty eating because I always assumed people judged me for eating. "Does she really need to be eating that?" I assumed they were thinking. So, I avoided eating in public. I'd stop chewing and put my food in my lap when a car passed me if I had to eat in the car. This morning, since I no longer feel the weight of gluttony on my shoulders, I ate my food without guilt. A car passed me and I just kept eating. It was a very unique and wonderful experience. I can remember a therapist once telling me that I remained "fat" (her word) to protect myself. She said my weight was my covering. I can see why someone would say this, but I must disagree. I never felt more exposed and naked then when I was heavy. You can't hide when you are heavy. You walk around completely visible and exposed in my opinion. From my perspective, most people stare at you, notice you and seem to hate you; although its obvious they do their best to pretend you do not exist. Try to get a salesperson to wait on you when you are overweight! As a thinner person, you choose to be visible or to shield yourself by the way you dress. Today, I dressed in sweats and a t-shirt and easily became more invisible. I could easily dress up a bit and certainly call more attention to myself. I didn't have this choice as a heavier person. I'm not sure why I felt the need to share that today. Just some personal reflection. This will be good for me to keep in mind on days that I feel like overeating. Today seems to be such a day for me. I'm not sure why that is the case. I have no intention, with God's grace, of giving in to the sin of gluttony. Its been hard today. The temptation and the possibility of falling back into sin is sometimes around the corner. I have to keep God as blinders on (like the kind horses wear) less I fall back into sin. I am reminded about the verse where the person that is repossessed ends up in a worse state than where they began. I don't want to go back to a worse place then I began. Food is not worth going back to a worse place. To trade freedom for bondage? No way. God continue to extend your grace to me.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
AHA Moments
I had a discussion with a friend at church on Wednesday evening. She just had her guts tied up so she could stop eating herself to death. She is just one of several people I know- all of us doing what we can to physically prevent ourselves from practicing the sin of gluttony.
I belong to a small group of people that meets on Sunday night. It’s a “Life Group” through my church. It’s a very rare group in that people are uniquely unafraid of being transparent largely in part because of the leaders of this group. Anyway, during the fellowship time, I shared with a couple and his wife and my friend Lizzy that I had to eat again and really didn’t know what to do about my food addiction. I was happier when God was telling me what to eat on a daily basis. My focus has gotten off of him though and back to my weight. I still weigh 152.
One lady shared about someone she knew with a drug addiction and her husband shared about how at that very moment he could “go for a cigarette” closing his eyes imaging the taste and the burning going through his lungs I am sure. He explained to us that he had to stop cold turkey and can’t smoke at all because it’s a true addiction for him. He understands my food addiction completely. He can’t imagine what it must be like for me being addicted to food. I laughed that I have it completely under control just like his cigarette addiction. I’m fine as long as I don’t have to eat. This is actually REALLY true. As long as I don’t have to eat. For a while, I thought God had delivered me from my addiction. I do not mean to take any glory away from the Lord at all. God has delivered me from so much and is keeping me from coming completely unglued this very moment. He has brought me through so much. Just like the alcoholic or heroine addict I seem to be fine if I detox and then avoid my substance of addiction. How long can you go without food?
My friend at church nodded sympathetically as we traded food addiction stories. She chose to have her belly tied, as she put it, because, “If your right eye offends you……” You tie up your stomach or you swallow a bunch of chemicals. I totally understand her pain. If I had the money to tie up my gut I'd do it tomorrow. I'd go to Mexico where its not so expensive.
I couldn't help but wonder if there is "true" deliverance in this world in our current states. Do ALL Christians struggle with something to this degree? Really? I got home to find my husband watching television. He has resigned himself to the fact that the children and I are leaving. He truly looks completely defeated. They laid off 15 more people where he works. HE was hired to pretty much bring some sort of deliverance to this company. The irony, eh? I shared with him my food addiction discussion. He said it’s the same with him and his anger issues. He said he seeks the same deliverance and its almost like the more he tries to not rage all over Alexander the worse his problem becomes and his anger becomes all consuming. I’ve been so frustrated with him and could not understand why anyone could be so cruel to my children. I’m sure most people have no idea why a grown woman can’t stop shoveling food into her fat face, too. However, at that moment, I could completely empathize with my husband. I could totally see his anger as just another addiction. It was an aha moment.
I belong to a small group of people that meets on Sunday night. It’s a “Life Group” through my church. It’s a very rare group in that people are uniquely unafraid of being transparent largely in part because of the leaders of this group. Anyway, during the fellowship time, I shared with a couple and his wife and my friend Lizzy that I had to eat again and really didn’t know what to do about my food addiction. I was happier when God was telling me what to eat on a daily basis. My focus has gotten off of him though and back to my weight. I still weigh 152.
One lady shared about someone she knew with a drug addiction and her husband shared about how at that very moment he could “go for a cigarette” closing his eyes imaging the taste and the burning going through his lungs I am sure. He explained to us that he had to stop cold turkey and can’t smoke at all because it’s a true addiction for him. He understands my food addiction completely. He can’t imagine what it must be like for me being addicted to food. I laughed that I have it completely under control just like his cigarette addiction. I’m fine as long as I don’t have to eat. This is actually REALLY true. As long as I don’t have to eat. For a while, I thought God had delivered me from my addiction. I do not mean to take any glory away from the Lord at all. God has delivered me from so much and is keeping me from coming completely unglued this very moment. He has brought me through so much. Just like the alcoholic or heroine addict I seem to be fine if I detox and then avoid my substance of addiction. How long can you go without food?
My friend at church nodded sympathetically as we traded food addiction stories. She chose to have her belly tied, as she put it, because, “If your right eye offends you……” You tie up your stomach or you swallow a bunch of chemicals. I totally understand her pain. If I had the money to tie up my gut I'd do it tomorrow. I'd go to Mexico where its not so expensive.
I couldn't help but wonder if there is "true" deliverance in this world in our current states. Do ALL Christians struggle with something to this degree? Really? I got home to find my husband watching television. He has resigned himself to the fact that the children and I are leaving. He truly looks completely defeated. They laid off 15 more people where he works. HE was hired to pretty much bring some sort of deliverance to this company. The irony, eh? I shared with him my food addiction discussion. He said it’s the same with him and his anger issues. He said he seeks the same deliverance and its almost like the more he tries to not rage all over Alexander the worse his problem becomes and his anger becomes all consuming. I’ve been so frustrated with him and could not understand why anyone could be so cruel to my children. I’m sure most people have no idea why a grown woman can’t stop shoveling food into her fat face, too. However, at that moment, I could completely empathize with my husband. I could totally see his anger as just another addiction. It was an aha moment.
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