My Heart's Purpose

I used to blog almost every day. I wanted to keep a record of our lives for my children. However, when my marriage took a negative turn I stopped blogging. I didn't want a record of sadness for my children to read. But, one day I realized that  there were so many happy things I wasn't recording so I started blogging again.

I have purposed in my heart, with God's grace, to not allow anything to separate me from my commitment to the Father through His son Jesus Christ. This is a difficult task to complete on my own. However, God doesn't leave us without help. I have placed the bible on one side of me, God's Holy Spirit on the other, faith pushing me forward, and Jesus right in front of my vision. As blinders keep a horse from becoming spooked, so God equips me to press forward towards Him. I praise Jesus that when I do miss the mark, His blood covers me completely. Unmerited grace... pass it on!

Father, I have leaned on my own understanding too many times. I have sought the advice of others before you. I have looked for the path that seems easier to me rather than asked your will. Please forgive me. I want nothing more and nothing less than to be in the center of your will for me. I want NOTHING to come into my life that you have not ordained. I beseech you to do whatever it takes to keep me from slipping unto my own understanding. Help me to not be lured away by things that seem to sparkle if they are not your will for me and my two sons.

Let my ears always hear your voice telling me which way I am to walk. Restore my heart so it would always desire to press towards you. Fill me with your Holy Spirit that you might enable me to live for you.

Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

Dr. Karen Scott

Alexander's diabetes has been consistently out of range for several weeks now. Its like he has just given up wanting to care for himself. I work now so I can't be there every second to monitor everything he eats and make sure he gives himself his insulin. Even when I am home, he gets up in the middle of the night and will eat and not correct for what he has eaten.

Alexander's sugar when he arrived at Dr. Scott's office was 581 today. She wanted to admit him into the hospital. She did an A1c test with 13 being the worse result possible. Alexander was at a 12.8. I had to work today so, Israel (bio dad) took Alex to her office. Israel told me that Alexander went off on a tirade that he didn't want to ever see Ken again because Ken was mean to him. (We had another incident between Ken and Alex yesterday and a bunch of new puncture wounds to his legs as a result. He had come back almost clean of wounds from the Valley. ) He told Dr. Scott that he didn't plan to take care of himself as long as he was forced to have contact with his former stepfather. Israel, who usually is an abrasive man, just replied, "What do you want to do, ma?" This is exactly how he asked me what I wanted to do about the situation. I know this isn't a child trying to gain his way by manipulating via his health. I really believe this is a little boy who has already told me he isn't able to tolerate a relationship with step dad right now and I am not listening. So, he is upping the anty by forcing me to listen. This is what he had to do when the children were being abused when we still lived with my ex-husband. Alex had to start hurting himself to get me to wake up. Alex believes that if he gets sick and has to be hospitalized he will be safe in the hospital. It is so sad that my son has to go to such extreme measures before I will listen.

The truth is that I am scared to death to let my ex-husband take my youngest without his older brother. I believe that Alex will protect Isaiah. Nevertheless, I shouldn't sacrifice either of the children. I am discontinuing visitation for both children. I went back and reread the divorce decree and I am listed as having sole custody. Ken has visitation rights, but I have sole custody. The attorney there filled it out this way stating this would be best since there was a history of abuse. I really wish I had the money to hire an attorney, but hopefully it won't come to that. Ken doesn't mean to hurt the boys and I know doesn't want the children in turmoil over visits with him. I am sure he will be amicable about this new situation.

In the meantime, I need to find a new church.  My divorce is final now. My church told me if I went through with the divorce, I was no longer welcome there. I have spent my entire life with people making decisions for me. Even the separation and divorce was because the counselor told me I needed to do it. I'm such a doormat it makes me want to slap my own self.  I've spent most of my Christian life trying to find a mature believer to help me with my walk and when I finally found someone that wanted to take an interest in me my church turned it into a list of ultimatums about divorcing my husband, if I could date, and now the terms of my church attendance. Ken said he was going to contact the church about "grounds" for our divorce, but then decided he would rather just leave the church. This leaves me holding the hot potato because this is the children's church. I guess I could take the kids and just sit in the lobby. I mean, what are they go to do? Is it a crime to sit on the couch while my children attend church? I realize that my church fully believes they are doing the right thing. It just saddens me that I went to this church for almost ten years and this is how it ends.

This is just so "Jehovah Witness" that I can't believe its happening. I know it can't possibly be God's will for me not to go to church. Then again, I am just completely exhausted. I just can't seem to get this whole Christian fellowship thing at all. Right now forsaking fellowship seems like self- preservation rather than breaking a biblical mandate. If I could go back and redo this situation... in addition to not making several really stupid choices I made, I think the most important thing I'd do is learn to keep my mouth closed. It really is the best thing to go to church each week, smile happily, claim that life is peachy, and never tell people what you are really going through. I think that is why people struggle with sin for so long. They are scared to death to share it with anyone else for fear they will be judged, gossiped about, or even excommunicated.

I understand why Alex wants to make himself sick so he can stay at the hospital. I think about this myself all the time. It would be so nice to just be able to say "when" because I've really had enough now. I saw an anorexic woman at the mall earlier this week. She must have been in her 20's, but looked older. You could see her skull.. literally. I am sure most people were horrified by her appearance. I envied her and wondered how much more weight I'd have to lose to trade places with her. I know I can easily stop eating now. It would be so easy.

I had the realization that my post has turned into one big wawa session. I do have lots of things to be thankful for. My son doesn't rage anymore. I think this is the greatest miracle of them all. He has serious fits at times that are more severe, in my opinion, than kids his own age; but not rages! He doesn't make me feel frightened of him any longer. He is a blessing and a treasure and an amazing miracle and testimony of what God can do. God do this in Alex, too.

God Whispers

I feel overwhelmed with a sense of well-being and peace knowing that God loves me no matter what. Grace is a good thing. Its not an excuse to sin. However, it is a confidence knowing that God loves me no matter how high the pile of shambles become in my life. The shambles don't shock or scare him. He is used to dealing with all the misfits and welcomes them fully into his arms.

Shortly after I got to work, my supervisor pulled me aside and told me I was being promoted. Does that want to make anyone else's head spin with amazement? Ironically, I had sent her an email just a few days ago asking her to consider me if there were any opportunities for additional hours. In my email, I also thanked her for extending grace to me and for making Macy's a safe place for me. I couldn't help but start crying.  Apparently, she hadn't read her email, so I had to give her a recap about how much she and my job have meant to me the last couple of months. Its been my refuge in a very difficult life. This promotion, in my opinion, was God's way of letting me know HE heard my prayers. I don't have to leave Macy's. Praise you Jesus. Thank you for speaking to me last night in whispers and for speaking to me today in a very loud shout to tell me that you love me and that you have not abandoned me no matter how shamble-filled my life seems to be to everyone else. God is so good to this undeserving servant.

Please restore my home, Lord. I know you are able to work miracles in my life.

Throwing Stones

My heart is troubled this week. Our church as a whole seems to be going through so much turmoil. Apparently, one of our pastors had an inappropriate relationship with one of the church volunteers. So, why am I choosing to blog this dirty laundry today? Well, this isn't the only thing going on in our church. It seems there are lots of us trying to fill voids in our lives with other sources. Food, other people, gossip, controlling others, and a multitude of other things.

I can see God purging my church today. I praise Him for wanting to make us a Holy people and for the cleansing He seems to be doing in my church. I love my church. I know He wants to grow my church and do a new thing in the church and in the people so that HE will be glorified.

The thing that has taken me by complete surprise is the self-righteous attitude that seems prevalent in the lives of many people in the church. I remember very well being in similar shoes myself a few years ago. When I was still very young and before I had ample time to sufficiently sin. At least this is what I told myself. My sins were the more socially acceptable ones and I thought I was better than most. I hadn't murdered, fornicated, intoxicated, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Well, you get the picture.

I can see that many in my church feel that way today. However, I think they fail to realize that the only thing that keeps them from being just like our recently fallen pastor; the only thing that keeps them from being like me; the only thing that keeps them from being like Jeffrey Dahmer for that matter is God's grace in their lives. If God were to remove His grace from you, you would be no better and no worse than the worse person on the planet.

The sad thing is that I believe God sometimes removes His protection from our life for a period to allow us to fall flat on our face. Why? Because we become too self-righteous pointing our finger at all the muddy people walking around not realizing that we, ourselves, are covered in the same mud. Our mud may be of different texture and color, but it is the same mud nonetheless. At least, in God's eyes, mud is mud. So, before you go on the attack about someone Else's particular sin, perhaps it is a better time for you to examine your own heart?

It seems to me that usually the ones doing the finger pointing (sometimes in the name of trying to help or cleansing the church or whatever) are the ones struggling with greater sins themselves. Are you gossiping? When was the last time you struggled with gluttony? Are you jealous of others? What preoccupies your thought life? Do you withhold mercy? All sin is the same in God's eyes. I realize this very much. However, I also realize that some sin, like gossip for example, destroys a church like wild fire. Yet, this one is so acceptable. No one would ever be asked to step down from leadership for this one and yet it can be worse in what it does to a church as a whole in my opinion. Why am I "saying" these things? Because as I stood at guest services on Sunday and overheard people's conversations, I was overwhelmed with the lack of grace and mercy people have towards one another. Yes, our pastor caught in sin is covered in mud. I am covered in mud. Have you looked in a mirror recently? My guess is that you are probably covered in it as well. I know this because the bible says we are all covered in the same mud. The minute you decided to start looking at MY MUD instead of seeing me the way God sees me it only makes your mud all the more obvious.

Am I choosing to see your mud then? Am I walking around with my Holy highlighter pointing out all the muddy people in the midst? No, I am choosing to step outside the box and write this today because I don't want God to remove his protection from your life. I hope that you will be reminded of all that YOU have been forgiven. I hope that you will remember that He alone is judge and jury.

Remember that it is God's kindness that leads us to repentance. Your forced attempt at revealing someone's sin will not lead them to repentance. It will only make them feel attacked. Only the Holy Spirit can bring about Godly sorrow over our sin. May I suggest that you get on your knees and pray. This is the best attack you can do. Its a spiritual attack. The person that is living in habitual sin, or just occasional struggle, or in their past, or whatever wrong you perceive they are doing isn't your enemy. Attack the real enemy and the only way to attack that enemy is through prayer. Praise God that YOU aren't as "bad" as they, but if you want to see real change in the lives of your friends you won't see it by constant confrontation, threats, gossiping about them, or finger pointing. However, you will see it by praying for them. What is your goal, friend? Is it to see change in that person's life or is it to pat yourself on your back for being better than them? Ask God to show yourself your true motive.

II Peter 3:9 tells us that God is long-suffering towards us. Romans 2:4 reminds us that God's goodness leads us to repentance and in I John 4 somewhere it tells us that we love God because He FIRST loved us. Are you following this example when you deal with others? Whom does the bible say is the accuser? Whose example are you choosing to follow today? Are you choosing to throw stones?

Dear Father, I thank you for saving me from so much. I am covered in thick, black, mud. I acknowledge that I am no better than anyone else and am the worst of sinners. You have forgiven me much and I pray that if I ever look at anyone else thinking I am better than they that you will be quick to remind me of all that I have been forgiven. I realize that the only thing that keeps me from dripping black, tarish mud all over the place is the blood of Jesus Christ that has covered, redeemed, transformed, and removed that mud by your precious grace. May my brothers and sister come to understand that we are all the same. We are at different places in our walk with you and none of us can force growth in another. It is the job of the Holy Spirit alone to convict and we pray for the sweet conviction of the Holy Spirit to produce Godly sorrow in our lives. Holy Spirit come... come and redeem our lives.. redeem my church... restore my church... use our lives for more than what they are Father for your glory. Do a new thing in us for your glory. I pray Father that everyone would drop their stones. Amen.

Deceitful Heart

The Bible says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"(Jer 17:9). If this is the case then what hope do we have of ever making the right decision.

I have had a miraculous time of hearing God the last few months. He speaks to me from His word. He speaks to me through others. He speaks to me through random thoughts that come through my head.

Yet, tonight I am filled with trepidation as I face more decisions for the future of my children. I have proven that I cannot trust my heart when it comes to making decisions in my life. So, who do I trust? Do I take a random poll of the friends in my life and the majority wins? Will it be the majority that will have to live with the consequences of that decision?

I search for peace and find none. I truly want to be able to reach a decision and find myself having acceptance with joy over my decision. Yet, the only thing I feel is as if I am the sacrificial lamb. Help me find my way, Father. I know you are able to restore my life. Redeem my life. Give me the direction that I seek tonight.

Ramblings of a Tired Mommy

Today was a really exhausting day. I went to church for the first time in a couple of weeks. I was in a bit of a rush and forgot to eat. Lately I've been having these dizzy, almost passing out, moments when I forget to eat. I had one such moment at church today. Except this time I almost came falling down on one of the ladies at guest services. It was a very embarrassing moment. She had two other ladies scrambling around for orange juice and protein while I sat there trying to keep myself in the chair. I swear the room felt like it was spinning. It was a very bizarre feeling. My doctor tells me that I need to have a blood transfusion because my anemia isn't being corrected by vitamins. I guess its very low now and my blood isn't getting enough oxygen to my organs. Too bad lack of oxygen doesn't starve those cellulite cells, eh? Giggle. No, I'm not intentionally going without food. I'm just overwhelmingly busy most days with work and trying to get my kids ready. Sometimes I forget to eat. I'm trying to get better about eating though. No, I don't plan to have the blood transfusion. The whole thing just sounds too creepy. If you think of it, pray that the vitamins correct the problem soon. The main problem I am having as a result of the anemia is the dizzy spells and occasional confusion. I forget to do things and sometimes get lost or feel disoriented. Its a bit frightening when it happens. Alas, this too shall pass.

My children both received their report cards this month. Alexander is doing amazingly well with A's and B's and an excellent in citizenship. Isaiah is "making progress" in all areas of his report card. I say this is a success for someone in pre-k!

The guinea pig delivered three piglets. We lost one of them yesterday. It was very sad as Alexander had been nursing it back to health. We really thought she was going to make it. She had gained weight and we had returned her to her mother. Alex is very disappointed since this was the piglet he loved best. We have two left that hopefully will be adopted by Liz and Ange soon. Alex can't wait for mama pig to be pregnant again.

Anna

This morning I met a middle aged lady named Anna. She was uncovering her plants after last nights cold. Its been a while that I felt God calling me to do any type of "neighborhood" outreach. I have felt called to reach out to my new roommate and her son. However, I have specifically felt that God needed me to work on my own issues for a while and allow him to heal some things in my own life before I went back into active community outreach. So, it was a pleasant surprise this morning when I shook Anna's hand and felt the familiar pain in my heart.

My earliest memory is that of being two-years-old. I am running through a mansion made of glass. The walls are coming down around me. The house smells of cigarettes, newspaper, and old magazines. A second whiff picks up the malodorous scent of gin, vodka, and Jack Daniels. This is the way my two-year-old mind filed away the memory. A mansion made of glass and the walls breaking over me. What actually happened is that my father, in a drunken rage, was using his cane or crutch and shattering everything made of glass in the house. The windows in our home were very high (from almost floor to almost ceiling). I can see why I would remember this as a house made of glass. I can still feel the terror of having to run. This actually happened to me and is my very first memory. I used to wonder why God would allow someone who had only been on the earth for 24-months to go through something so horrific.

As I shook Anna's hand and felt that twinge of ache in my heart, it connected with the ache in her own heart. "This is someone that is very wounded." I heard the Lord say to me loud and clear. It has been a while that God has told me that about a complete stranger. It was difficult to feel this kind of hurt so early and without warning and yet at the same time it was so good to feel like God is about to use me in this way again. Thank you Lord for my painful memories because I am able to connect with those that hurt. Thank you Lord for connecting me with Anna this morning. I asked Anna if I could come visit her. Her eyes literally became teary as she told me she would like that. Most people don't respond to me this way initially. This woman's pain must be very deep. Father, I pray with my entire heart this morning that despite all of my weakness and inadequacy, that you would place your Spirit within me in a mighty way so that you might minister to Anna through me. Use me according to your sovereign will. I am willing. Give Anna beauty for ashes and use me, if it is your will, to tell her that you came to bind up the brokenhearted. If you are able to use a donkey, surely you can use my life.

Kindness Without Judgement

Today, Alexander's father told me I am his best friend. Actually, I'm his only friend. When he had his heart attack a few months ago, he and his father stayed at my house and I cared for him. He has always called me about every other day and now calls 2-3 times a day. I have been his counselor. He is not my best friend, but I have been able to show him kindness without judging him because of God's grace.

Tomorrow Isaiah has his cardiology evaluation. This too is in God's will and hands. I haven't had an anxiety attack in the early morning hours this week. Well, in the last few days. Its been good. My friend Aly sent me a verse about being anxious for nothing. It was very apropos as this is exactly what God has been telling me.

Giving thanks today!

All Things New I Can Start Again, Really?

All things new... I can start again..

This is how the worship song began last night at church and again this morning during worship. Both times I found these words brought tears to my eyes. Is this true, Lord? Can you redeem my life and make all things new? What about my broken marriage?

My friend has a theory that perhaps Ken has wanted out of this marriage, but didn't want to be the one to take the "blame" for a divorce. After I told him about my conversation with the male friend at church I fully expected he'd be on the phone making the counseling and anger management appointment. Okay, I really didn't think he would, but if the tables were turned and I wanted to save my marriage that would have been the last warning for me. I think it would have set off a panic alarm. Alas, no panic alarm went off and we are officially living as if we are not married. The last step is filing the papers, which he doesn't want to pay for. I must confess my friend voiced aloud what I have wondered in silence many times. I'm not sad. I am numb. I would have never thought it would be so easy for my soon to be ex-husband to discard the children and I.

Ken took the kids to Iron Man on Saturday and they didn't have any problems. He seems relieved to have the weight of "working on the marriage" off of him. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm thankful that he is able to be kinder to the boys. He came over, unannounced, earlier this afternoon wanting to see Isaiah. We happened to be home and he did well with Isaiah. Alex's father is the same way. He does better with Alexander when he doesn't have the pressure of a family. I'm not sure why he is trying to "win back" the pressure of a family. Too confusing.

I went to dinner with a male friend from church on Saturday. It was nice to stop feeling like an ugly duckling. It was just dinner and it isn't going any further than that.

I weigh 141 pounds. I can see 130 right around the corner. I didn't have to confess the sin of gluttony today. I am still constantly amazed at God's amazing grace in my life.

My children are doing so much better. They are extending grace to each other more and more each day and I am so thankful for our life. Alexander told Donna from church today that he wants to serve each week. He said he loves to serve. I believe he has the gift of service as well. Isaiah has the gift of mercy. It is amazing to start seeing the gifts of my children coming out when before all I could see was their pain. God is good always. I never would have imagined several months ago that God would have been able to pick up the pieces of our wounded lives.

Our friend Brian R approached me today and told me that he is trying to "kick Ken's butt" into getting counseling and anger management. He is one of probably five friends that have made it their goal in life to try and force Ken into treatment. I thanked him and didn't have the heart to tell him that Ken doesn't really want us back.

Shower Blog

I need a waterproof laptop. Anyone care to donate one to me? Either that or one I can carry with me to the commode. Seriously, it seems I get my best blogging ideas when I'm on the toilet or shaving my legs. I'm sure its probably because those are the only places where my children aren't glued to my side; although the little one still tries. His toes are usually stuffed under the door. "Mommy, come here!" He cries as I try to pee or wash as fast as possible. Do all parents go through this?

MRI Results

God is always so gracious to this imperfect and worrying soul! We got a call from Dr. Karnik's office. He hasn't called us with any results on any of the tests we've had so far. However, they called TODAY to let us know that the MRI results came in. Isaiah's test came back COMPLETELY normal.

Praise be to the God of the universe from whom all blessings flow. He remains faithful in the midst of my panic and anxiety. Thank you Father.

Willing Heart

During a routine follow-up appointment today, I was found to have an "abnormal heart rhythm." My youngest was already freaking out with the amount of time this visit was taking and on the verge of a major tantrum so I couldn't stay any longer. The doctor wants me to come back tomorrow at 11:45 am so his nurse can connect a Holter-Monitor device that will do a 24-hour EKG reading. This will give him a better reading than the quickie EKG they did today.

I guess the reason I'm really stressing out is that I've had chest pain the last several weeks. I really think its just part of the stress of my current situation. I seem to suffer from chest pain during times of extreme duress and I'd say this qualifies. This has happened in the past.

I told my friend Kim yesterday that lately I've questioned God, "Are you sure this isn't more than I can bear Lord?" In my finite mind, of course, all of this seems like just too much. But, I also told my friend that so many times and even a few days ago I prayed "Lord, use my life. I surrender my life to you. Let my life not be wasted." I have to believe that this is all part of the pruning and growing process. I can't ask God to use my life and then cry unwilling to go through the process. All I can continue to say each day is take my life Lord, it is yours. Help me when I am weak and when I think I can't take one more thing. I am willing if you will carry me through it.

Healing Isaiah

This morning I woke up to a blaring alarm clock and raging headache. I really should have forced myself to go to bed early last night. What was I thinking!? Does lack of sleep trigger migraines in anyone else? As I dragged myself to the bathroom that familiar monthly friend was waiting for me. Ugh. Oh well, at least I know why I was so melodramatic on yesterday's post. Oh woeth me. (Rolling eyes) Ah, those lovely hormones, eh ladies?

Its amazing how your perspective changes after a good... er... bad.. nights sleep. I had put Isaiah in PJ's he could wear to the doctor's office last night so Alexander and I got dressed and placed a still sleeping Isaiah in the car, picked up my mom on the way, and off we went to Dr. Karnik's office. It took the entire hour to get to his office. Isaiah was awake by then and really excited about going into the "Iron Man" machine for his "power". Upon arrival, however, we learned that we had been scheduled for our MRI with the lady that does developmental evaluations. It was a little bit of a mix up so today Isaiah had his developmental eval rather than an MRI. They asked him questions using various flash cards. Things like the colors, days of the week, and numbers. There were more difficult questions, too.

After the doctor's appointment, my mother treated us to lunch at Souper Salad. We then headed to Ross where she purchased a few items that I can wear to "work" and she also purchased a superman costume for Isaiah and a Lord of the Rings movie for Alex. She has actually been doing this frequently for us. Its a new side of my mom that has been a pleasant treat for us. I'd like to add that to my thankful list today.

As I sat watching Isaiah do his developmental exam today, I was reminded of another time when I was pregnant with Alex. The doctor thought my son had Down's Syndrome because a blood test they did came back with high numbers. I went through some of the same feelings of fear back then. All the "what ifs", but in the end God had other plans for Alexander. I am sure God would have carried us through whatever challenges we faced had Alex been born with Down's Syndrome. He will be with us regardless of the outcome of all these brain tests concerning Isaiah and he will be with us concerning Isaiah's little heart. HOWEVER, I saw God work a miracle in Alex's life as he doesn't have Down's Syndrome and know he can do the same in Isaiah. This is my prayer today. Please continue to heal Isaiah's brain from the damage done to him by the substances his biological mother used when she was pregnant, Lord. I know you are able to heal my little son. In Jesus' name.

No Time To Panic

We had an appointment this morning for Isaiah's routine immunization visit. He took his four shots like a champ, by the way, announcing to the nurse that he wouldn't have to be held because he is "stronger". He even held his shirt up for her so she could give the injections to him in his arm. Although, he did complain to her that the shots really hurt him and next time she should only give him two. After she placed the band aids on his arms, he asked if he could take the boxes of band aids home with him!

Prior to giving Isaiah his shots, Dr. Keller does the usual looking in the ears and such. Dr. Keller was listening to little man's chest when he looks up from his glasses and asks me, "What does your cardiologist plan to do about his heart?"

I thought I was going to fall out of my chair!

He explains that "its probably nothing" but had his nurse call several doctors until they found one that can see my little boy for an echo cardiogram and work-up right away. He goes on to say that he thought I had told him Isaiah was under the care of a cardiologist and that is why he didn't make an appointment for me last week. He thought Dr. Karnik, Isaiah's neurologist, was a cardiologist.

My initial thought was to go fetal. My second thought was to panic. I decided to pass on the first two and try to gain an eternal perspective. Obviously, God is trying to do something here, but what is it he is trying to do? Is he trying to prevent us from doing something or push us towards something, teach us something, or just drive us towards him more? God doesn't ever just allow us to be wounded for the sake of being wounded. I've had to come to terms with that one in my own life. There has been so much hurt that sometimes it seems like I'm a giant bull's eye, but God doesn't work that way. God isn't playing target practice. God is good always. That is one truth I can always count on.

If anyone has any insight to share with me or a verse, I'd really appreciate it. Isaiah has his MRI tomorrow. All of these doctor's appointments and co payments I'm having to pay. It seems impossible to be able to work them all into a school schedule and job that are coming just around the corner. I'm just breathing in and out knowing that all things that come into my life go through God's hands first. He is able to sort out all the pieces of my situation. I need you Lord now more than ever.

Can Angels Fly?

One of my foster children told Isaiah about the creepy man. Now Isaiah is afraid of the creepy man. Alexander thought he'd help one night and told Isaiah that the creepy man moved to San Antonio. Now Isaiah thinks the creepy man lives in San Antonio. Ange, be careful on your trip this weekend.

Last night Isaiah slept on the mattress that is next to my bed. I love when he sleeps in my room because we have the most interesting discussions."Lets talk together...," he begins. Would you like to take a crack at some of last nights questions?

Can angels protect us from the creepy man?
Can angels fly?
How do angels fly?
Can angels fly through dirt?
Why do I have to wash my toes?
Does Miss Lizzie love me? (This question on the heels of a discussion about all his new books she had given him.)
He also wanted to know if the MRI he is having this week will really make him strong like Iron Man like his "Tio" told him. This was a hard one. Tio told him to close his eyes when they put him in the MRI and just absorb the "power". This seems to have helped him look forward to the exam. He really didn't like having the EEG and still talks about having to have electrodes put in his "curlies". Next week will be the last in the series of appointments and they will let me know what the plan is for my little boy. Please pray for us.

I haven't been blogging much as I have a tendency to focus on the negative and I really don't want to do that. I'd rather focus on getting to know God and spending time with my children. I'm still spending time with Ken as my children need to have some semblance of normalcy. The kids aren't safe with him alone and I feel like I have no choice at this point but to chaperon the visits. These times have a tendency to create lots of dysfunction. I think each of us is frustrated by the situation. I miss him. I think he misses me as well.

God Works Miracles

• Ken went to a Celebrate Recovery meeting last night. He said it includes anger issues. He plans to go again. It isn't anger management or counseling, but its a start.


• Our property management people, after sending me a letter in the mail yesterday again saying they weren't fixing "anything" because I am renting this house "as is" sent a plumber over today to check our leak. The plumber said fortunately it was a minor fix since they didn't approve a big budget. I told him my story about the property management. He tells me this is typical and then he fixed the shower that has never worked. This was unauthorized work that he did on his own dime. (Second man that has fixed something in this house for me knowing he would most likely not be paid by property management.)

I still can't get over that Ken is attending some sort of recovery program. Not for myself but because the children deserve to have a "safe" father.
I'm in awe that I will no longer have water running into the living room. I am even more baffled that we have an entire new bath faucet now and working shower.

I am praising God for taking care of me and my little children despite how things seemed only a few days ago.

With God All Things Are Possible....

Blessings

Once again I woke up several times in a state of panic not really worrying over anything just worrying. My heart racing and almost unable to move. I'm not really sure what is up with me, but its the worst feeling.

This morning it was actually over some silly comment a gal made at bible study yesterday about me being bulimic. She was making a joke in response to me saying I was anorexic. We were talking about "celebrating recovery" and I made a silly remark about celebrating recovery from my anorexia by eating a cookie. She said as long as I didn't relapse by wasting a good cooking by practicing bulimia. So, at 5 AM this morning my heart is racing and I find myself unable to move, unable to get out of bed, in a state of terror wondering if everyone thinks I'm bulimic. Does it really matter what people think? No! As if I don't have more important thinks to fret about so all I could do was lay there and as usual just repeat "Jesus!" over and over again. I fell asleep and at 6 AM again woke up with the same racing heart and panic. I've been up since. My heart is still racing. I'm moving around, but I still have that sick anxious feeling like something awful is going to happen. Anyone ever experience this and what did you do?

Recently, I went a few weeks without being able to wash clothes because I didn't have a functioning washer and dryer. I recall the last time I was "single" I had a very strong support system of single men that I could call to help me if something like that happened. Yesterday, I asked a gal that went through a divorce a couple of years ago where I'd go to meet single people in the church. She didn't mean to sound cruel, but in what sounded like the cruelest way she said, "You aren't really single though, are you?" No, I'm not really single and I'm not really married. And it all really sucks. I explained to her that I wasn't trying to pick up men and that I was just trying to meet a couple of them that might be willing to help fix some things in my house for me. Her mood lightened after she learned my intent, but the sting is still fresh. In the meantime, my "husband" is hanging out with a group of single men from the church. They all went to IHOP last night and he and a single architect from church are going to a bible study tonight. I just found this cruelly ironic that its usually the guy that gets to go on happily with his life- and the woman that is treated like the Jezebel. In the meantime, my son came home last night with blood running down his legs after a stressful day at VBS. The legacy of our life with Ken. Any new stress Alex experiences is put on top of the trauma that Ken inflicted on him and I allowed so that simple things seem so much worse. He is a walking battlefield. I showed my friend Lizzie last night because sometimes I just have to "prove" to someone what we've gone through.

Sometimes, I just feel too overwhelmed that my son's stepfather is able to attend our church after doing what he did to my children, and continuing to abuse my children even now, and its okay. He acts as if he's done nothing and he is treated as if he's done nothing. Sometimes, I realize I'm no different and am able to extend grace. Please pray I'd have more days of grace and less days of judgement. Its hard. The sad thing is that I really don't want to be like that. I don't want to have to be vindicated. I don't want to be this wicked and awful woman. I know God knows and that should be enough.

I asked the gals at bible study last night to pray for the oak tree of bitterness that is in my heart. I realize its alive and well. Pray for me.

God is Good

Its been very good for my family to participate in vacation bible school this week. Its been good to gather together with others to pray for the children that will be joining us during the day. Its been good to be surrounded by godly women. Its been so good to serve. Its been good to get outside my own head for a few hours each day. Mostly, its been good to be reminded that whatever we are going through today that God intends for everything in our life to be used for our good and His glory.

Today, during a conversation with a dear friend I found myself moved to tears yet again with the details of my future. It was something as simple as where my four-year-old is going to go to pre-k. I realize this seems like such a simple thing, but more often than not these days its those really simple things that just drive me to tears.

This evening as I tucked Isaiah into his little bed I was reminded of a little story I've told Isaiah countless times. Its a story of a young woman with a broken "tummy" who couldn't have any more children.

"God knew my tummy was broken so he had to put you into another tummy, but as fast as He could he brought you to me because God always meant for me to be your mommy."

When I tell this story to Isaiah, I always ask him, "So where did you come from Isaiah?"

Isaiah always answers- From your hopes and dreams and from your heart.

He will then usually say, "And as fast as He could God sent me to you."

God always meant for me to be this little boy's mommy with all of my weaknesses and with my current set of broken circumstances. God meant me to be Isaiah's mommy and God is going to place Isaiah exactly where he needs to be to grow and be safe.

This is evident because both of my son's are safe and loved tonight in their home. They are safe! Its a home that a few month's ago I never thought I could have afforded and never dreamed I'd be in. Its a home God provided so my boys could have a place to grow and be safe.

Please pray that I would have more moments where I recognize the goodness and provision of God and less moments of shear panic.

Tonight

Karley learned a new skill recently. She can now scream at the top of her lungs in the most high pitched tone I have ever heard in my life. I realize this sounds like I'm being really melodramatic. I'm not. She will taunt Isaiah in the usual manner, but when he goes to answer her taunts she screams stopping him dead in his tracks. Actually, it stops all of us dead in our tracks. I almost ran into a curb today during one of her screams in the car because it freaked me out so badly. She did this today after dinner and I literally dropped the bag of trash I was carrying sending tuna and rotten watermelon all over the floor. Its just the most shrill and loud scream. I can't believe its coming out of such a tiny little girl. I also realize that because she is receiving such an explosive response from all of us that she will now never stop doing it. I think tomorrow I need to use the techniques Marie Ray taught me to use for Isaiah's rages on Karley to get her to stop screaming. I spent my ENTIRE childhood getting screamed at in a very similar way and this is just not going to work. I just completely collapse and become a pile of dysfunctional bag of bones in response to the way she screams. Nope, this is not going to work.

As soon as we got home and my biological kids realized that my other kids were home, Isaiah starts acting out, Ken starts trying to discipline which looks more like just another angry big child, and Alexander starts crying and yelling. I can feel my heart start racing and really think I'm about to throw up. It seems that the days apart have only served to make a bad situation worse.

Ken got the little girls to bed and Beau managed to get himself to bed tonight. (God's grace!) Walking down the hall with Isaiah felt like we were walking towards a death sentence. "Why do THEY have to be here!" He is so angry as he stomps down the hall. He kicks a toy out of his way. "I don't want Beau in MY ROOM!" I start the process of trying to talk him through this just the way Marie Ray suggested. He isn't having any of that, but he continues to walk and doesn't start to rage. He walks up the stairs to the second bunk, but he tells me he doesn't want his book and that he isn't listening to me. He tells me he isn't doing what I say. Of course, this is his way of letting me know he is angry for allowing this situation into his life once again. I am glad Beau is fast asleep snoring in his little bed. My poor little boy doesn't deserve to be "the cause" of so much anger tonight. "I don't want Beau here!" I proceed to let little Isaiah know that Karley, Brie, and Beau will be going to stay with my friends soon and that they will just be here a few more days. I go through all the things Mrs. Ray has told me to say rubbing his back and whispering so that he can barely hear me. He has to stay calm to hear my words. And he does. After about 20 minutes he is fast asleep.

I've been so preoccupied with trying to find a home for Karley, Brie, and Beau because I know Alexander and Isaiah will not survive if the other little children stay. I know I've also said that I have never really felt like these kids were mine. And this is true. BUT, anyone that knows me knows that I've always wanted a big family. These kids were perfect for my family. They didn't start fires or try to kill my children. They were little enough that the issues they did have could have been helped. And they had just gotten to the place were they wanted to stay here. Karley would have come along as well. Brie didn't even want to go with her real dad anymore and Beau had told real dad that he didn't want to go home with him. So, I know I'll probably regret admitting this, but I just have to get this out one time and then I'll suck it up and go on with my life. I am really sad that this one dream must rest in peace. I'm really sad that these little children had to suffer this loss. I'm really sad that I can't keep them. I'm sad that I won't be their forever home. I'm really sad that I will just be one more wound in their life. It would be really easy to blame it on marrying the wrong person or being too broken myself, but ultimately it wasn't what God wanted for my life. He allowed me to love these children for just a little while. Tonight, I held little Brie close to me and she loved me back calling me mommy. Then Isaiah saw her and quickly came, "Mommy, no!!" Brie got up without being prompted and went and sat on Ken. I allowed Isaiah to have her place. Its a place I never should have given to anyone else. Please join with me and pray that Brietas' new mommy would love her so completely the way she really deserves without anyone else competing with her for the same place. Please pray the same prayer for Karley and Beau. They have very specific needs and while they are not difficult children based on the criteria most children have in foster care they do have some significant challenges to overcome.

I don't plan to foster or adopt any other children in the future. It would be unfair to put my children or any other children through this again. If I get the urge to save any kids in the future I'll walk down the hall to my own kids' rooms.

Praise God that Isaiah did not rage tonight. Praise God for leading us to Marie Ray.

Triplets

I woke up at about 4 Am this morning unable to breathe with the feeling that someone had broken into my house. I didn't hear anyone break in and had no reason to think anyone had broken in, it was just this freakish fear that came over me. I laid in bed just thinking "Jesus!" over and over again until it was over it. Then I started to worry about something completely different with the same fear sensations. The whole fear experience lasted for well over an hour and ended up making me physically sick. Its a very yucky place to be and a place I seem to find myself repeatedly these days.

Its no wonder as I seem to be pregnant with triplets. They are bitterness, anger, and fear. They seem to be quite healthy and growing with steadiness. This is something I've struggled with for a long time. Its mainly been directed at my mother and the childhood I lived;although, I've kept it under cover for years. She, for example, doesn't realize I feel this way about her. However, my separation from my husband and the events that led to this event seem have fed these three triplets and they are growing once again. I believe this is the reason for my recent panic attacks in the night and at other times during the day.

I realize that the bottom line, at least as far as how it pertains to me and my children and this situation, is that God has allowed this into my life for a reason. I believe the reason is to remove the triplets. They've been with me since my childhood. I just don't know how to remove them. I'm not sure how to remove them. My life has always been filled with so much condemnation. Condemnation and unrealistic expectations from my parents, from myself...Even now there are a select few people who are quick with their plate of condemnation. It almost like I look for it because it makes me comfortable.  I fight with my natural tendencies. Ironically, at the same time, I can also be very merciful, but towards Ken and my mother its so easy for me to be bitter, angry, and fearful. I get why people find it easy to pass me the plate of condemnation. Its so hard to extend grace to those we feel have hurt us the most. I know the key to remove the triplets is to extend grace. Please pray for me. I really am having a hard time in the midst of the pile of bricks I am under to try and deliver the triplets and my body is is about to pop from the contractions of the contradictions between what I want to do and know God wants me to do and the anger, bitterness, and fear that grows in me. God wants me to deliver the triplets, but I really don't know how. I can see the whole process of my life- all the things he's allowed me to go through- all the pain- its all been a process to get me to let go of the bitterness and anger and fear. I just don't know how.