All Things New I Can Start Again, Really?

All things new... I can start again..

This is how the worship song began last night at church and again this morning during worship. Both times I found these words brought tears to my eyes. Is this true, Lord? Can you redeem my life and make all things new? What about my broken marriage?

My friend has a theory that perhaps Ken has wanted out of this marriage, but didn't want to be the one to take the "blame" for a divorce. After I told him about my conversation with the male friend at church I fully expected he'd be on the phone making the counseling and anger management appointment. Okay, I really didn't think he would, but if the tables were turned and I wanted to save my marriage that would have been the last warning for me. I think it would have set off a panic alarm. Alas, no panic alarm went off and we are officially living as if we are not married. The last step is filing the papers, which he doesn't want to pay for. I must confess my friend voiced aloud what I have wondered in silence many times. I'm not sad. I am numb. I would have never thought it would be so easy for my soon to be ex-husband to discard the children and I.

Ken took the kids to Iron Man on Saturday and they didn't have any problems. He seems relieved to have the weight of "working on the marriage" off of him. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm thankful that he is able to be kinder to the boys. He came over, unannounced, earlier this afternoon wanting to see Isaiah. We happened to be home and he did well with Isaiah. Alex's father is the same way. He does better with Alexander when he doesn't have the pressure of a family. I'm not sure why he is trying to "win back" the pressure of a family. Too confusing.

I went to dinner with a male friend from church on Saturday. It was nice to stop feeling like an ugly duckling. It was just dinner and it isn't going any further than that.

I weigh 141 pounds. I can see 130 right around the corner. I didn't have to confess the sin of gluttony today. I am still constantly amazed at God's amazing grace in my life.

My children are doing so much better. They are extending grace to each other more and more each day and I am so thankful for our life. Alexander told Donna from church today that he wants to serve each week. He said he loves to serve. I believe he has the gift of service as well. Isaiah has the gift of mercy. It is amazing to start seeing the gifts of my children coming out when before all I could see was their pain. God is good always. I never would have imagined several months ago that God would have been able to pick up the pieces of our wounded lives.

Our friend Brian R approached me today and told me that he is trying to "kick Ken's butt" into getting counseling and anger management. He is one of probably five friends that have made it their goal in life to try and force Ken into treatment. I thanked him and didn't have the heart to tell him that Ken doesn't really want us back.