Blessings

Once again I woke up several times in a state of panic not really worrying over anything just worrying. My heart racing and almost unable to move. I'm not really sure what is up with me, but its the worst feeling.

This morning it was actually over some silly comment a gal made at bible study yesterday about me being bulimic. She was making a joke in response to me saying I was anorexic. We were talking about "celebrating recovery" and I made a silly remark about celebrating recovery from my anorexia by eating a cookie. She said as long as I didn't relapse by wasting a good cooking by practicing bulimia. So, at 5 AM this morning my heart is racing and I find myself unable to move, unable to get out of bed, in a state of terror wondering if everyone thinks I'm bulimic. Does it really matter what people think? No! As if I don't have more important thinks to fret about so all I could do was lay there and as usual just repeat "Jesus!" over and over again. I fell asleep and at 6 AM again woke up with the same racing heart and panic. I've been up since. My heart is still racing. I'm moving around, but I still have that sick anxious feeling like something awful is going to happen. Anyone ever experience this and what did you do?

Recently, I went a few weeks without being able to wash clothes because I didn't have a functioning washer and dryer. I recall the last time I was "single" I had a very strong support system of single men that I could call to help me if something like that happened. Yesterday, I asked a gal that went through a divorce a couple of years ago where I'd go to meet single people in the church. She didn't mean to sound cruel, but in what sounded like the cruelest way she said, "You aren't really single though, are you?" No, I'm not really single and I'm not really married. And it all really sucks. I explained to her that I wasn't trying to pick up men and that I was just trying to meet a couple of them that might be willing to help fix some things in my house for me. Her mood lightened after she learned my intent, but the sting is still fresh. In the meantime, my "husband" is hanging out with a group of single men from the church. They all went to IHOP last night and he and a single architect from church are going to a bible study tonight. I just found this cruelly ironic that its usually the guy that gets to go on happily with his life- and the woman that is treated like the Jezebel. In the meantime, my son came home last night with blood running down his legs after a stressful day at VBS. The legacy of our life with Ken. Any new stress Alex experiences is put on top of the trauma that Ken inflicted on him and I allowed so that simple things seem so much worse. He is a walking battlefield. I showed my friend Lizzie last night because sometimes I just have to "prove" to someone what we've gone through.

Sometimes, I just feel too overwhelmed that my son's stepfather is able to attend our church after doing what he did to my children, and continuing to abuse my children even now, and its okay. He acts as if he's done nothing and he is treated as if he's done nothing. Sometimes, I realize I'm no different and am able to extend grace. Please pray I'd have more days of grace and less days of judgement. Its hard. The sad thing is that I really don't want to be like that. I don't want to have to be vindicated. I don't want to be this wicked and awful woman. I know God knows and that should be enough.

I asked the gals at bible study last night to pray for the oak tree of bitterness that is in my heart. I realize its alive and well. Pray for me.