Triplets

I woke up at about 4 Am this morning unable to breathe with the feeling that someone had broken into my house. I didn't hear anyone break in and had no reason to think anyone had broken in, it was just this freakish fear that came over me. I laid in bed just thinking "Jesus!" over and over again until it was over it. Then I started to worry about something completely different with the same fear sensations. The whole fear experience lasted for well over an hour and ended up making me physically sick. Its a very yucky place to be and a place I seem to find myself repeatedly these days.

Its no wonder as I seem to be pregnant with triplets. They are bitterness, anger, and fear. They seem to be quite healthy and growing with steadiness. This is something I've struggled with for a long time. Its mainly been directed at my mother and the childhood I lived;although, I've kept it under cover for years. She, for example, doesn't realize I feel this way about her. However, my separation from my husband and the events that led to this event seem have fed these three triplets and they are growing once again. I believe this is the reason for my recent panic attacks in the night and at other times during the day.

I realize that the bottom line, at least as far as how it pertains to me and my children and this situation, is that God has allowed this into my life for a reason. I believe the reason is to remove the triplets. They've been with me since my childhood. I just don't know how to remove them. I'm not sure how to remove them. My life has always been filled with so much condemnation. Condemnation and unrealistic expectations from my parents, from myself...Even now there are a select few people who are quick with their plate of condemnation. It almost like I look for it because it makes me comfortable.  I fight with my natural tendencies. Ironically, at the same time, I can also be very merciful, but towards Ken and my mother its so easy for me to be bitter, angry, and fearful. I get why people find it easy to pass me the plate of condemnation. Its so hard to extend grace to those we feel have hurt us the most. I know the key to remove the triplets is to extend grace. Please pray for me. I really am having a hard time in the midst of the pile of bricks I am under to try and deliver the triplets and my body is is about to pop from the contractions of the contradictions between what I want to do and know God wants me to do and the anger, bitterness, and fear that grows in me. God wants me to deliver the triplets, but I really don't know how. I can see the whole process of my life- all the things he's allowed me to go through- all the pain- its all been a process to get me to let go of the bitterness and anger and fear. I just don't know how.