Connecting the Dots

Connecting the dots of my life took several years. My brother had passed away and my mother had shared that I had been left with him for several weeks while she was in the hospital. She and my sister had complications during delivery and mama had remained at the hospital.

I started to suspect that my brother had done something to me during that time. Its almost like a veil had been torn away from the room of my heart that contained those memories. The confirmation came to me one day when I was on a neighborhood walk.

I started to walk at a normal pace, but soon my heart started to race. I began to experience some significant pain in my abdomen. It was as if someone were standing on my stomach. I started running and running and running in a state of panic. I am sure I was experiencing a full blown panic attack. I clutched my chest and my stomach looking around for someone that could help me. There was no one on a trail that normally is filled with children riding bikes or couples walking hand in hand. Down I went into the dry, hot grass. I cried like I had never cried before. It was during those moments as I lay in the grass holding my stomach that I remembered the eyes of my brother over my little body. I was no longer a woman, but a frightened two-year-old girl. I am amazed that no one came running to my rescue. I am sure my labored breathing could have been heard a mile away. I remembered my brother. I remembered the youth worker from church whom I had trusted. I could still smell the malodorous scent of alcohol and cigarettes that permeated his apartment walls. Confusion. Was it his home or my father's room I smelled? So many memories that flooded into my thoughts. Each memory like a stuck Band-Aid being ripped painfully off.

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.  And he that sat upon the throne said,  Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful." Revelation 22:4-5