Amazing Grace

I had a very unique experience on the way to Isaiah's cardiologist. I had to eat breakfast in the car as I didn't want to be late to the appointment. In the past, as a heavier person, I felt guilty eating because I always assumed people judged me for eating. "Does she really need to be eating that?" I assumed they were thinking. So, I avoided eating in public. I'd stop chewing and put my food in my lap when a car passed me if I had to eat in the car. This morning, since I no longer feel the weight of gluttony on my shoulders, I ate my food without guilt. A car passed me and I just kept eating. It was a very unique and wonderful experience. I can remember a therapist once telling me that I remained "fat" (her word) to protect myself. She said my weight was my covering. I can see why someone would say this, but I must disagree. I never felt more exposed and naked then when I was heavy. You can't hide when you are heavy. You walk around completely visible and exposed in my opinion. From my perspective, most people stare at you, notice you and seem to hate you; although its obvious they do their best to pretend you do not exist. Try to get a salesperson to wait on you when you are overweight! As a thinner person, you choose to be visible or to shield yourself by the way you dress. Today, I dressed in sweats and a t-shirt and easily became more invisible. I could easily dress up a bit and certainly call more attention to myself. I didn't have this choice as a heavier person. I'm not sure why I felt the need to share that today. Just some personal reflection. This will be good for me to keep in mind on days that I feel like overeating. Today seems to be such a day for me. I'm not sure why that is the case. I have no intention, with God's grace, of giving in to the sin of gluttony. Its been hard today. The temptation and the possibility of falling back into sin is sometimes around the corner. I have to keep God as blinders on (like the kind horses wear) less I fall back into sin. I am reminded about the verse where the person that is repossessed ends up in a worse state than where they began. I don't want to go back to a worse place then I began. Food is not worth going back to a worse place. To trade freedom for bondage? No way. God continue to extend your grace to me.