Pop Some Pills

Pop some pills, go on some extreme fad diet, or eat a grapefruit and watch the pounds melt off!! I had lost and gained hundreds of pounds over the years. I am not sure how much I weighed when I presented at the doctor's office. I am sure that I no longer cared about my weight and lived in complete defeat to my food addiction. I had suffered from anxiety and post traumatic stress symptoms for many years.  However, as a foster parent, I had very little time to concern myself with my needs. I knew something was very wrong and recall telling my family and a few friends that I wasn't well. But I functioned so well that people didn't take my concerns too seriously.

I can't say I blame them. I was leading bible studies, mentoring young women, initiating neighborhood block parties, and chairing three neighborhood committees. I volunteered in church in leadership positions. My best friend was the pastor's wife. She didn't even guess that I was coming undone. I was also fostering children with similar childhoods as my own. I did medical transcription from home and taught the occasional medical management class through a consulting agency. My childhood had taught me that acceptance was based on how much I did and how "good" I was. I carried this pattern into my adult life and was about to drive myself into exhaustion.

One day, I finally made an appointment to see a doctor. The psychiatrist took a complete history of my early life. I could tell she was dumbfounded as she asked me questions about my childhood stopping to repeat what I shared to make sure she had heard me correctly. She was a young woman with a matter-of-fact attitude. I must confess that I didn't like her. "Are you sure you experienced these things and they are in your memory rather than someone telling you about them?" she asked.

It amazes people when I tell them I am able to remember as far back as age two-years-old. I think children remember experiences that give them great happiness or great trauma. My early life created a foundation on how I would see God and other people as well. This also tainted how I saw myself, too. When trust is broken at an early age, people struggle to have an accurate view of God, themselves, and have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. There are all kinds of problems that occur due to childhood trauma.

The psychiatrist told me I had anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. She said the situation with the foster children had triggered my PTSD which she believes originated in my childhood.  It is hard for me to get people to understand, but I really do not think my childhood was all that bad. At least, I don't until I share it with someone else and they react the way this psychiatrist did. She told me she had never personally heard of a story as "traumatic" as my story. She tried to get me to see a therapist, but let me go with medication instead. The first day I took the medication, I recall I didn't have the usual post-polio muscular pain. I also remember not having the daily dull headache that came from fostering traumatized children.  However, I didn't think the medication helped me that much. I can remember complaining to my husband about the amount of money we had spent. Although, I continued to take the medication. I was still having the nightmares about things that happened to me as a little girl. I still hit the floor when I heard loud noises. I still became very anxious and sometimes sick when anyone other than a child would touch me. I wasn't any better! After a few weeks or so, people started to ask me if I was losing weight. I was so heavy that my immediate family and I hadn't really noticed. I tended to wear billowy clothing to hide my size as well. I was amazed when I stepped on the scale and found I had lost almost 30 pounds. The medication had an unusual side effect, it made me not want to eat.

Matthew 17:21 And this kind doth not go forth except in prayer and fasting.
(This kind of evil does not leave except through prayer and fasting.)