I made a friend at the YMCA the other day. She and I have been emailing back and forth. Today, she told me about being in an abusive marriage for many years because her pastor made her believe that "forgiveness" required her to remain. She said her church didn't believe her situation was as brutal as it was because her husband seemed to be such a "good Christian". Likewise, another friend from church told me recently that her dad used to hurt her mom and no one ever guessed because he seemed like such a "good Christian".
I am amazed that sometimes the leaders we look to, in their effort to take both sides of the story into account, will dismiss or make light of the situation. There are so many women who have tolerated physical, sexual, and emotional abuse because they wanted to do the godly thing. I don't believe that God expects anyone to remain in a situation like that. Each of us has the right to feel safe and to remove ourselves from situations that are not safe.
My oldest son told me the other day, "Whatever you do, do not ever marry a Christian again." I have not dated many men. There have only been two significant relationships during his lifetime. Sadly, each men struggled with being abusive and both professed to be Christians. My son also told me that he thinks I am one of the nicest people he knows. It was not meant as a compliment. It was said with frustration and accusation. He challenged me saying that being nice has never gotten me anywhere. He said being nice never got him anywhere either. Thus, the reason he has decided to not care and not take crap from people. Remaining in an unsafe environment, especially with someone with claims to be a believer, confuses our children and hinders their own ability to see God as good and loving. My heart is broken that this is what my life has taught my children.
I used to think that if I could just make all the changes he demanded the situation would change. A "good Christian wife" would do all the things her spouse asked. If he told me to try harder, I would try harder. If he told me that I was trying too hard, I would not try so hard. He had issues with the way I walked. He had issues with the sound of my voice. He wanted me to dress wearing the same color he wore. He didn't like shorts that were modest and preferred shorter ones. I changed all the things I could and even tolerated the maltreatment at the hands of his family as well, pretend to enjoy the pain being inflicted on me in the name of love, not complain about not having access to our finances, if I could just do everything he wanted then he would stop hurting me. Then I would be enough. The only problem is that the abuse isn't about making me into something else. It is about control. Thus, the laundry list of things that I needed to change would never end. I even tried to run ahead of my abuser and find everything that was wrong with me before he could and try to fix it. This just makes you crazy and in my life caused me to start experiencing a significant anxiety in the form of a social phobia. Isolation is the perfect environment for someone seeking to control you.
The first person I told was the pastor who married us. He and his wife believed me, but they didn't really offer me any help. They never approached the man hurting me. They told me I needed to get away. Almost two years would pass before I gained the courage to seek help again. I told another pastor. He didn't believe that such things could be happening. What I claimed was too horrific and it would force him to do something about what I had said. It was so much easier to make me feel embarrassed and at fault. The abuse continued for another six months as a result of this "Christian" leader's decision to not help me. I have permanent, documented, physical damage. The physical abuse finally stopped because I started running out into my front yard when I sensed he was becoming angry. Someone that seeks to control cares very much about public opinion. The control, however, is constant. The sexual abuse was more difficult to stop because I didn't always see it coming.
It amazes me that people shame the person who dares "tell" and condone and excuse the behavior of the offender. I told a friend tonight that being in an abusive relationship has turned me into a very awkward person. Fear, helplessness, secrecy, humiliation, isolation, and shame have turned into anger, bitterness, and wanting to make my abuser feel the things he made me feel. I have become as wicked as he at times, but my motive is to get the abuse to stop. Maybe if the abuser knows how it feels he will stop? This is never the case. Someone who seeks to control will only become more angry when he feels like he is losing the control. The truth is that no matter how hateful I try to be, I am not capable of inflicting the kind of physical damage that it would take to show him what it feels like to be on the receiving end. I wouldn't even want to be that person! I don't like the person that I have become in my attempt to defend myself. I am ashamed that I have not handled abuse in a godly way. The fact is that a godly way would have involved moving. It is impossible to just move when you face the amount of monthly medical expenses my babies incur. Still, God has showed me recently that my real obstacle is not praying and trusting that he will provide a way of escape. The reasons I ended up in an abusive situation is because I didn't trust that God would provide for my children. So, I allowed myself to enter into an ungodly covenant. Ah, if I only knew then what I know now. Maybe I did know then, but like so many other women I thought I could be good enough to change things.
Forgiveness and doing the right thing doesn't mean that I continue to give chance after chance after chance to someone that sheds my blood for his own gratification. It also doesn't mean that I retaliate and lower myself to give him a taste of his own medicine. Doing the right thing means that I am not embarrassed about what has been done to me. It wasn't my fault. Doing the right thing also doesn't mean that I protect my abuser or make excuses when the injuries done to me are obvious.
I am learning that there are many women in abusive situations and they remain there because of religiosity and the ignorance of so-called "Christian" leaders. I hope that women in these situations will realize that this isn't what God wants for them. Does it matter if someone doesn't believe you? God sees all and in the end truth is always exposed. If you are in an abusive situation, look to God to provide a way of escape. Tell someone. If they do not believe you, they are not the one God has called to help you. Move on.
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