Heavy Load

Ken took the foster kids again today. It was easier for my own children as their triggers seem to be their father, the foster children, and how their father and I interact together. I'm PMSing this week which makes everything magnified. My sadness is magnified as well as the weight of my load. I feel sad about losing my foster children and I feel sad about losing my husband.

We went over to my friend's house this evening. I was so thankful she called as I had been wallowing in self-pity at the prospect of staying home to wallow in self-pity. I found myself at her kitchen table "mentor hunting" once again. There was yet another potentially strong Christian man at her home and just as I started to attempt to set him up with my husband my friend stopped me and told me that I need to allow my husband to be responsible for his own issues for once. I realized that she is right. However, I guess I keep hoping I can find someone that will pull Ken to do everything the counselor wants so we can go home.

 I think I realized at that moment that it was no longer my place to drag my husband. I am done. I can only try to work on my own problems and help my own children heal. There isn't anything else I can do.

Isaiah didn't rage again tonight. I followed what the therapist told me to do exactly and we had no problems at all. He even yelled out to his brother, "I love you Alex.... Good night Alex." He also told me he loved me and said good night to me. None of the usual howling and screaming and throwing himself into the walls and doors and people. I'm relieved and so thankful. I plan to discuss Alexander with Mrs. Ray next week and come up with a plan to help him and some of the things he does to himself and also come up with a plan on continued contact with Ken; how much; what that should look like. Eventually I'll let her peek into my own childhood so she can let me know how she thinks my childhood might be affecting my kids... and what we can do to keep them safe from it....whomever doesn't believe in generational curses should visit my family tree...