Kindergarten

Isaiah had a rough day yesterday. He missed his brother very much. Most of his conversation pertained to "when Alex comes home". I must confess that I miss Alexander desperately, too. The truth is that I do all I can to stay busy and not think about him. If I give in to thoughts of my oldest son, I just want to crawl under the covers and weep. I comforted Isaiah letting him know Alex would be home in nine months. I reassured him that God had this entire situation in His hands and all would be well. Then the phone rang......

Alexander told me he loves his school and all of his classes are honors classes. He shared that his credits will transfer to high school and he will get to graduate early. He was very animated and for a moment I felt the anxiety that has been with me since he left leave me. He told me about the sparkly-eyed girl that has caught his attention. "She has sparkly eyes like you mama." I love the way Alexander says "mama". He says it the way he did when he was Isaiah's age. I'm so glad he hasn't started calling me "mom" or "mother". I hope I will always be mama to him. Then the bomp dropped....

"Mama, I think I want to stay in the Valley." He announces so nonchalantly you'd think he just gave me the weather report.

I hung up the phone not going to see what God wanted at all. I didn't pray. I didn't read my bible. I just crawled under the covers and sobbed.

This morning I took Isaiah to school. He was so excited about his pretty teacher with hair close to her face. Isaiah places his hands next to his cheeks and says, "Ms. Truong looks like this!" He is so happy and excited. He hardly eats the cafeteria breakfast because he wants to be the first kid in the class.

"Its chocolate!" He tells Ms. Truong as she opens the gift we've prepared for her. He says the word chocolate with a Spanish accent and emphasis on the "e". It sounds more like chocolatay. This is the way I say the word. I smile that he is so much like me at times. He hugs his teacher looking intently into her face to make sure she approves of his gift. "Hurray!" She squeals and actually jumps up and down. I love this teacher. Isaiah is beaming with her approval. Ken walked with me to the school today. He wanted to see his son off on his first day of Kindergarten. We talked about what went wrong in our marriage. It was hard to hear, but I feel peace knowing I did all I could do. 

I come home to an empty house. I had become so dependent on Alexander. My idol. My first born. Our counselor told me Alex had unusually strong attachments to me. This separation is good I tell myself. Then I throw myself on the bed and cry some more. I cry harder than I have since the day he left. Eventually, my tears cease and I begin a conversation with the Father. I can't hear Him at first and am literally yelling (in my mind) for him to answer me.

"I keep getting your answering machine, God. I need you to answer or call me back. I want my son back and you aren't taking my calls. There isn't even any options! There should be options. Press 1 for God and press 2 for the Holy Spirit and 3 for the archangel Michael and maybe 4 for God. Catholics press 5 for Mary."

I'm obviously embellishing this mornings prayer and adding some humor to what was anything but a funny situation. Thankfully, God got through my emotion and reminded me of a day when Alexander became separated from me at Schlitterbahn. I thought he would be abducted and became hysterical as Ken and the Schlitterbahnemployees looked for my son. Alex was fine. God had been with him the entire time.

"Daughter, I was with Alex then. I am with him now. Be at peace."

Its good to know that even when we FEEL like God has forwarded our cries to voice mail; he is still on the job. God has no voice mail. He has no secretary. God doesn't receive text messages or telegrams. God always answers our calls personally. Our emotions may contradict what scripture tells us at times. But, God always hears us!