My Babies

I thought this would be a good time to update everyone on the kids. I haven't posted a foster kid update in a long while. The kids saw their new therapist today. She comes to our home which is a significant blessing. It was a bit hectic today since I was in the middle of trying to move things to our new house. Still, I'm trying to keep our regular routine as much as possible so I didn't cancel our weekly visit.

I shared with our new therapist that this week we weren’t able to start the reward chart she recommended because I was a bit overwhelmed with trying to pack and such. In the past, I would have done the chart and packed and just driven myself nuts, but this time I decided I could only do what I could do and set the boundaries I needed to keep myself sane. I did, however, try to create specific situations were Karley was rewarded for playing nicely with her siblings. Its been mainly with Brie as Alexander and Isaiah are still visiting relatives out of town and Beau has been in summer school. I explained to Michelle (therapist) that the positive affirmation has sent little Karley into a tailspin. Its as if, in my opinion, Karley wants to show us just how unworthy she really is. I gave Michelle the examples as follows:

Yesterday in the car Karley punched Beau in the nose so hard she made his nose bleed. It isn’t unlike Beau to remain silent after an injury. Karley was the one who alerted me proudly and boastfully to her actions letting me know that she had caused Beau’s nose to bleed.

This morning she hit Brie in the face with a toy. I had been distracted by the gas man and had not seen what happened. Brie is really good about telling me when someone hurt her. She has a very strong vocabulary for a child her age, but this time Karley wanted to make sure she received the "credit" for this act so she quickly let me know she had hurt her sister before Brie could reach me. I forgot to mention that the last time I met with Michelle she had mentioned that perhaps Karley’s behavior has been this way all along and I didn’t notice it because Beau’s behavior surpassed Karley’s behavior and took my attention from Karley’s behavior. Does that make sense? Michelle mentioned that perhaps now that Beau’s behavior is no longer an issue I am noticing Karley’s actions more. I’m sure this could be possible. I certainly don't want to rule it out; although, it seems unlikely to me at this point.

Michelle asked Karley if she likes living with us and Karley told her that she didn’t like living here. Michelle tells me that Karley couldn’t give her anything specific that she doesn’t like about living here nor could she give her anything specific that she likes about living here. Michelle tells me that this is common for children that either moved around a lot with their biological parents, which I believe Karley did with her bio mom or for children that had little rules or structure. Again, I believe this is true of these kids. Beau has told me many times that he didn’t have chores and Karley and Beau have told me that they didn’t have to eat vegetables, didn’t have to do regular chores, or other specific routines. Although, I believe someone loved these children because they knew how to pray. (This tells me someone invested the time to teach them to pray.) Trying to get Karley and Beau to do chores continues to be difficult at times because they often do not feel they should have to do them. This is not always the case. The kids are truly little contradictions. I realize my updates must be filled with contradictions and that is exactly how my days are lived. For example, one day I can get Beau to happily want to help me and other days it makes him very frustrated to have to do chores. Lately the chore he does best and with the most joy is helping me take groceries from the van. This seems to fill him with the most satisfaction. Since my other sons have been out of town Beau has been able to focus better and seems to stumble over himself less, this makes it easier for him to be able to do things like take groceries out of the van better. He still falls, but not nearly as often as he used to. Yesterday, he was able to walk through the Walmart with me, beside the cart rather than in the cart. I was very proud of him and told him several times that I was proud of him. Then at the end of our trip he steps on my foot in such a way that I, MYSELF, ended up on the floor of the Walmart. Oh well, we made it all the way to the end though.

It is noteworthy to mention that while Michelle was here Beau was unable to make it to the bathroom in time and soiled his underpants. This is common for Beau, but usually only in the evenings or after a traumatic visit with his biological parents. I wonder if meeting with his new therapist alarmed Beau in some way. I know he was very sad about having to have me assist him in the bathroom so I tried to help him quickly with as little attention brought to the situation as possible. I LOVE this new therapist because she followed my lead perfectly acting as if nothing had happened when we emerged from the bathroom.

My little girl also made another outcry about something that happened to her before she entered my care. She told the therapist that you place things inside of you. I won't go into further detail, but what she said is confirmation that she suffered abuse. I called my agency after the therapist left, but they said there is very little that can be done since she hasn't accused anyone and they don't want to lead/coach her. My heart is heavy for my little foster daughter and I can't imagine what this little girl has been through. After the therapist left, my foster daughter stayed with me the rest of the day not wanting to leave my side. This evening she didn't want to go anywhere near her bedroom and I know tomorrow will also be a difficult day for us. I'm sure moving anything will be out of the question. It is difficult for me to know how to give this little girl what she needs and still provide my other two sons, who will be arriving on Thursday, what they need (the stability of finding our things moved into a new home). The sense of feeling like I've bitten off more than I can chew is constantly with me, but I also realize that someone has to do it. I think sometimes as believers its too easy for us to just say "give them back". Does that make sense? God doesn't always expect us to walk the easy road.

God may just expect me to nurse my foster daughter and then spend tomorrow evening trying to move. Sometimes life is very hard and sometimes that is what God expects.

Brie continues to thrive and do very well. The therapist says it is obvious that she is very well attached to me. Beau is also attaching well. Today he told me that he loves his other mom and his new mom. He said it is like his old house and his new house. My foster son is ridiculously wise for a Beau with supposed mental retardation.

Karley is attached to me, but the therapist's guess is that my foster daughter is also a very sick little girl emotionally speaking. She says that while Karlita has good eye contact with me it is a vacant eye contact. I can see that and it reminds me of another little girl that I parented with the same sickness. Consequently, it unnerves me and I become dysregulated myself which causes me to want to run away from her. Please pray for me because I am having difficulty giving myself fully to Karley in the way she needs. There are certain things/exercises I need to do with Karley that would go a long way in helping this little girl heal that I am having difficulty doing. The therapist hasn't asked me to do them because she isn't aware of them. There really aren't any true attachment experts in Austin. But, I've read enough books and hung out with Ange enough to know I could be doing more with Karley. I'm doing way more than anyone is asking of me or expecting. I engage in games that force eye contact, but I avoid things that use food. For some reason feeding this little girl sparks what seems to be the beginning of a panic attack. I'm already on medicine for anxiety so I'm not sure what else I could do. I think I probably just need to have someone on hand and attempt to do the food thing and just see what happens. Ange, want to come over? My fear is that I'll have the panic attack and end up frightening this little girl which is the last thing I want to do.

Tomorrow is the weekly visitation with bio parents. I get that the bio parents have a right to see their children as long as they continue to make an attempt to get better, but the CPS caseworker tells me that this hasn't been the case. So, why do I have to keep dragging these little kids to these visits?