Heaviness

"You see the abnormal features." The doctor said so matter-of-factly to me as he pointed at my son's beautiful face. No, I thought to myself. I never really noticed any abnormality in my son's face. In fact, I always thought that Isaiah was one of the most beautiful children I had ever seen. People everywhere tell me what a beautiful son I have and they are correct. He is beautiful. Dr. Karnik explained that Isaiah's facial abnormalities aren't nearly as noticeable as most children with fetal alcohol syndrome, but they are present nonetheless.

Fetal alcohol syndrome, attention deficit disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, and eventual bipolar disorder to name the ones I recognized. He rattled off so many disorders that my little son has and will develop in the coming years. I am sure Dr. Karnik could tell my head was spinning as the tears ran down my face. He told me that the bottom line is this- the diagnoses do not matter. The fact is that my son's brain has been permanently and irreversibly damaged by the cocaine, alcohol, and who knows what else his biological mother did when she was pregnant. Isaiah has "static encephalopathy". Static meaning that the brain damage is not progressive and will not get worse. However, it will never improve and seems to be "significant" according to the physician. This is a huge problem. We aren't talking like ADHD where Isaiah can take a pill and all will be well. Isaiah, according to Dr. Karnik, will always be in special classes in school and will require "assistance" all of his life.  I felt like I had been given a death sentence. Isaiah has a test on Monday to determine the extent of the damage to his brain. There are several other tests in the next two months and then we will determine how to proceed from there. Apparently, this is a huge deal and Isaiah's life, according to the physician, will have some serious challenges and the rages that I am seeing now will most likely get worse without intervention. Fetal alcohol syndrome isn't something that will ever go away or ever get better.

I'm pretty lost right now as far as what to do for my son. I have no idea why God would give this little boy to someone as completely inadequate as me. I must confess that I'm really scared right now. For all practical purposes, I have no significant support system to speak of. I had to pay my mother $40.00 this week to watch my children so I could take Alexander to his therapist. Really. It seems like there are going to be lots more therapy/doctor appointments for both Alex and Isaiah and even without foster children I really don't think I can do this alone.

I really need prayer tonight for peace and direction. I miss my husband.