Boundaries

A childhood filled with turbulence and violence will birth fear. This fear gets planted deep within you. As a little girl, I learned the only way to overcome the fear was to hide. I couldn't physically escape my situation, so I learned to disappear within my own thoughts. In my thoughts, there was not a mentally unstable mother hurling angry words nor a confused alcoholic father trying to choke my life away. There wasn't a little sister to protect and take care of. 

In those moments of escape, I would imagine myself in far away places. These places were safe and no one could hurt me. Amazingly, as I grew older, I didn't end up in safe places. I ended up in toxic situations once again. I was the teenager bringing home the prostitute or the homeless family that needed help. I was the young woman rescuing her schizophrenic brother from being evicted from his condemned home. I was the mother to my own mother and child support for my sister's abandoned son. Anyone that needed to be rescued had my attention and assistance. Then later, I was girlfriend to those that were so unworthy of my attention. I would get out of one train wreck only to find myself in another toxic situation.  I believed this is what God wanted for me. I thought my purpose was to try and help others.

I know God never created me to be in the center of the storm. The last 16 months have been the hardest as I struggle to set boundaries against those that would try to hurt me. I am not completely sure what is God's purpose for my life yet. However, I know what His purpose is not. I am learning to run away from those things and people that do not look like His purpose for my boys and I.