Hope Renewed

I have the tendency to feel worthless and hopeless at times. I know the root of these feelings stem from a very abusive childhood. After I came to know Christ, I didn't spend time renewing my mind and bringing my painful memories under submission to the Lord. I became so busy "doing" things for the Father that the painful memories soon got buried under busyness and people pleasing. However, like a giant dog digging up a large bone; my childhood became unburied by the trials of life.

True joy only comes when you know who you are in Jesus. I thought knowing who I am in Jesus meant serving others. I did this well for decades. However, I think I developed the belief that God's love and everyone else's love for me, is based on how much I can do for them. This has created some challenges in my marriage.

My childhood taught me that I wasn't of worth to anyone unless I was needed by them for a specific purpose. I grew up believing that my parents had gotten stuck with me and I was not wanted. This works-based acceptance has translated into my relationship with the Father. Consequently, I work myself to exhaustion worried that if I stop and just be still someone will not like me or they will find out what my parents knew too well. That I am bad and not worth loving.

When someone believes they are bad and not worth loving, they live in fear and insecurity. They live needing the constant affirmation of those around them to feel valued. I recently found myself in a situation where nothing I did seemed to earn me the affection I desired. I have spent the months since the incident growing sad, then angry, and then despondent. I convinced myself that no one would ever love me unconditionally and I began to behave in a way that was truly unlovable. These are lies that many of us believe at times. They are lies. Here is the truth.

• God loves me.
• He who walks in love walks with God.
• All things work together for good to those who love the Lord.
• I trust God.
• My negativity has put me in agreement with evil plans for my life.
• God wants me to call those things that aren't as if they are. He wants me to stop speaking negative over my life and by speaking positively I will put myself in agreement with God's plans for my life.
• God wants me to trade fear and insecurity for boldness and purpose.
• If I make a mistake, I am still lovable.
• If I ask for forgiveness, I will be forgiven and I don't have to run away for fear I will be abandoned.

I have developed some significant negative patterns of coping with rejection. I know God wants me to stop being afraid of being hurt. Its okay if I hurt because experiencing these rejections will help me to stop fearing being hurt.  Please help me to understand your love for me, Father.