Wishful Thinking

When Christopher was a little boy, he and I would go out every Saturday on a "date". We would do things like rent a canoe and take it down Town Lake. We'd go to parks where flamingos were allowed to roam freely. We'd visit zoos and ride elephants. We'd go on safaris and visit nature centers. We'd hike up steep trails and check out unfathomably beautiful bodies of water. It would just be Christopher and I. Sometimes we'd go shopping and he'd always be the "first" to own whatever trendy thing was out. Remember those shoes that you'd have to pump up air into them? I can still remember paying almost $100.00 for one of the first pair of those ridiculous things. I worked really hard to make memories in the life of that little boy. Its not necessarily something that was a conscious effort. Its just who I was and what I did. Christopher is my brother. He is the youngest son of my little sister. He was raised by my mother and I.

When Alexander came into my life, we fell into the same memory making pattern. We'd roll down the windows, crank up the rock n' roll, and scream at the top of our lungs all the way home. I cared very little what people thought about us because my little boy was laughing. I was one of the few parents that would actually actively play on the play scape with their kid. We'd swing to see who could go the highest and then we'd play chase all around the play scape much to the chagrin of some more conservative parents. We'd run the trail at Town Lake where people would coo because he was the youngest little runner there. (This was before post-polio came to town with a vengeance.) We'd go to the movies and stuff our tongues in the popcorn basket. The one with the most kernels stuck to our tongue won the game! We'd dance when we'd do chores and we'd dance at the mall when "they were playing our song". We'd run through neighbor's sprinklers and play follow the leader on routine walks to the convenience store. We'd suck on lollies and compare the colors on our tongues. We'd purchase helium balloons and let them go just because. We'd purchase a dozen loaves of bread and then chase the squirrels at the Capital. When I got married the last time, I noticed that my spouse didn't appreciate our lively carrying on. It was subtle at first, but as the cares of life weighed heavily on him so did his angry scowls towards our childish behavior. Slowly, I started to lose myself. I realize that it was this childish behavior that kept me close to God's heart. It kept me from falling into depression and from going back into past memories. I was too busy creating new memories. Soon however, I no longer had those happy moments to create and could only look to see my spouse's angry scowls. Eventually, I no longer cared about the angry scowls. I no longer cared too much about him either. However, I had lost that part of myself to the point that I didn't even realize she had left. I guess there was a part of her still there. I'd see glimpses of her during serving at church. When I'd dance happily while I set up the coffee area or the guest service area as I heard the worship team practicing. She'd peek at times when the children wanted to play chase. However, she'd quickly go into hiding when the angry scowls of my ex-husband were present. I interpreted the scowls as a direct attack towards me. "What is wrong with you! You are not good enough!" This is what I heard when he looked at me that way. I realize this isn't what he meant, but I had all of that programing from my own abusive childhood. In all honesty, his expressions were just stress reactions to all the things he was going through. It was a sad situation for all involved.

Today, the children and I went to look at apartments and town homes. Our lease will be up in June and we aren't sure we will renew. The children were so excited as we went from apartment to apartment. They squealed with delight at EVERY single place we saw. "THIS ONE, MOMMY!!" I don't think they saw a single place they didn't like. Even the low income housing on Heatherwilde had them giggling like babies. For a moment, I remembered what I was like before I had any adult men in my life. When I wasn't co-dependent on the opinions or concerns of anyone except for Jesus and me. I was happy then. I have moments of happiness now, but I am still too concerned with the opinions of others. The professional word for this, I guess, is co-dependency. I have a good enough understanding of my issues that I don't usually stay in problematic situations for very long. I can usually get myself out or at least recognize that there is a problem early on. One good way I have to gauge that there is a problem brewing is that I begin to gain weight. I eat when I feel my life is starting to become out of control. I have started to gain weight again. I know something is out of control. I just need to be still to realize what I need to do at this point.

A gentleman friend told me yesterday he wishes I would give him a chance. He believes he could make the children and I happy. I feel badly because I count on him for so much. He takes care of the car and helps me when I need someone to do man kinds of stuff. It isn't that I don't think he could make us happy. I am uncertain about my ability to make good choices concerning any and all men. I dated my last husband for four years and thought I was making the best choice possible for my little son. I don't want to find myself in another bad situation. The question of the day is can two very imperfect and very wounded people make it in this world with just a very strong desire to serve God? I sometimes think my beliefs are too pollyanna. I want the miracle. I want the list of all I things God has shown me. I worry that I might miss out on God's best. But, how am I to recognize God's best? Some days I think I should take the list and just find someone that has the top ten on the list before time passes me by. During my quiet time I hear things and God shows me things. At least, I think He does. I am starting to wonder if perhaps it is just wishful thinking. But, my wishful thinking is strong and wondrous and more than I could imagine. And makes me wonder if this wishful thinking is truly possible then I should wait. I have rushed into things so many times in the past to find myself in despair and shame. May my last relationship be the one you have for me Father. May it be the one you have shown me in my wishful thinking.