New Parents

I snapped at Isaiah this evening. I didn't mean to do so, but I was tired (and hurting again) and he had been acting up all day. There has been so much going on at home that I began to feel like a pressure cooker. This week was especially difficult as Alexander has been off his Concerta. He has been bouncing off the walls into Isaiah who has been bouncing into me... Isaiah had bounced off the walls and into me one too many times today so I raised my voice at him. I realize I was completely wrong and apologized to him, but the damage was done. He announces that he doesn't like that I am yelling at him. I didn't realize I had raised my voice so many times today. Okay, I realized I had, but I guess I didn't realize HE realized I had.

Isaiah says, "You are yelling at me "all the time" like daddy. I need new parents. You can be my parents some of the time, but not all of the time."

I explain that Ken and I are the only parents he gets and that we are sorry we are hurting his heart. He ponders for a moment that he isn't going to get a set of back up parents and then asks if perhaps Ms. Lizzie or Mrs. Schneider can be his parents when Ken and I want to yell at him. I wanted to cut my own heart out. My poor little boy.

Oh Jesus, please help Isaiah's parents stop yelling so he doesn't covet my friends to be his parents. I wonder if anyone else's kids wish for other parents. I wonder if any other parents yell at their kids.

I called Dr. Keller today at Alexander's urging. He gave us an Rx for the Concerta to go along with the Prozac. While I had his office on the phone, I asked them to put me back on the Zonisamide. At least the Zonisamide numbed me so I didn't have to feel anything. Maybe this will make me stop yelling. Hopefully, with Alexander and I sufficiently medicated, Isaiah will stop wishing for new parents and I, at least, will stop shredding Isaiah's heart.