Check Up Check In

Its been a hard week. I've felt melancholy and out of focus. I've been sick which makes it all worse. Today, we went in to see Dr. Keller to refill Alex's Concerta. I was honest about Alex's self-injury, the incident with Beau, and the situation with the baby Guinea pig. We lied to him at the last visit saying the scratches on Alex's arms were due to a play scape incident. I could tell he didn't believe it, but he didn't question us either. I was scared he'd call CPS even though CPS already knew! Kind of silly if you think of it. Today, he told me he knew we would tell him when we were ready. I love this doctor. I've never met another doctor like this man.

He agrees that a break from the foster kids and the abuse at home is definitely needed. "Can the foster kids leave any sooner? Do the children have to continue to see their father?"

He didn't mean it the way it sounded, at least I don't think he did. It was as if he were asking me why I allowed the visits to continue. I could almost hear our therapist say to me, after Alex tried to cut into his arm, "What is it going to take before you hear Alex? Does he have to really hurt himself?"

I guess that is exactly what it took. Alex had to hurt himself before I finally woke up and realized our situation was abusive.  Dr. Keller also took Alex off of Concerta and put him on Prozac to help him deal with all the trauma in his life right now. "We may be able to take him off of it once you are more settled. If he continues to pick at his sores or tries to hurt himself in any way we may have to try something stronger." He said something about anti-psychotic and psycho-neurologist visit. I have never heard of a psycho neurologist. Dr. Norman Bates... not funny. My son on Prozac. I sat there numb as I looked at the shock on Alex's face. He immediately takes off his rubber bracelet, shoves the whole thing into his mouth, and begins chewing on it. Another stress response.

I heard this song on the radio just as we came home. It says the cry of my heart today.

Find Me Tonight

Yesterday, I could not feel this
Today I’m sick of trying
To live like I can live on my own
This world around me is suffocating
But I keep forgetting
To turn and run into You
So Find me
Wherever I am won’t You
Find me
I got myself lost and I
Don’t think
I want to be roaming in heartache
Please find me tonight
I make it hard and I can’t stand it
Can’t wrap my head around it
I wrestle with You more than I should
I make a mess of everything
But You see the best in me
I’ll never be too far gone
You speak without sound
Your love is so loud
You always save me

I really need God to save me. I need God to save my sons. I need God to supernaturally bring his hand down from heaven and pick us up and take us from the apathy and desperation I feel today. Please God, heal my children, heal my marriage.