Tonight

Karley learned a new skill recently. She can now scream at the top of her lungs in the most high pitched tone I have ever heard in my life. I realize this sounds like I'm being really melodramatic. I'm not. She will taunt Isaiah in the usual manner, but when he goes to answer her taunts she screams stopping him dead in his tracks. Actually, it stops all of us dead in our tracks. I almost ran into a curb today during one of her screams in the car because it freaked me out so badly. She did this today after dinner and I literally dropped the bag of trash I was carrying sending tuna and rotten watermelon all over the floor. Its just the most shrill and loud scream. I can't believe its coming out of such a tiny little girl. I also realize that because she is receiving such an explosive response from all of us that she will now never stop doing it. I think tomorrow I need to use the techniques Marie Ray taught me to use for Isaiah's rages on Karley to get her to stop screaming. I spent my ENTIRE childhood getting screamed at in a very similar way and this is just not going to work. I just completely collapse and become a pile of dysfunctional bag of bones in response to the way she screams. Nope, this is not going to work.

As soon as we got home and my biological kids realized that my other kids were home, Isaiah starts acting out, Ken starts trying to discipline which looks more like just another angry big child, and Alexander starts crying and yelling. I can feel my heart start racing and really think I'm about to throw up. It seems that the days apart have only served to make a bad situation worse.

Ken got the little girls to bed and Beau managed to get himself to bed tonight. (God's grace!) Walking down the hall with Isaiah felt like we were walking towards a death sentence. "Why do THEY have to be here!" He is so angry as he stomps down the hall. He kicks a toy out of his way. "I don't want Beau in MY ROOM!" I start the process of trying to talk him through this just the way Marie Ray suggested. He isn't having any of that, but he continues to walk and doesn't start to rage. He walks up the stairs to the second bunk, but he tells me he doesn't want his book and that he isn't listening to me. He tells me he isn't doing what I say. Of course, this is his way of letting me know he is angry for allowing this situation into his life once again. I am glad Beau is fast asleep snoring in his little bed. My poor little boy doesn't deserve to be "the cause" of so much anger tonight. "I don't want Beau here!" I proceed to let little Isaiah know that Karley, Brie, and Beau will be going to stay with my friends soon and that they will just be here a few more days. I go through all the things Mrs. Ray has told me to say rubbing his back and whispering so that he can barely hear me. He has to stay calm to hear my words. And he does. After about 20 minutes he is fast asleep.

I've been so preoccupied with trying to find a home for Karley, Brie, and Beau because I know Alexander and Isaiah will not survive if the other little children stay. I know I've also said that I have never really felt like these kids were mine. And this is true. BUT, anyone that knows me knows that I've always wanted a big family. These kids were perfect for my family. They didn't start fires or try to kill my children. They were little enough that the issues they did have could have been helped. And they had just gotten to the place were they wanted to stay here. Karley would have come along as well. Brie didn't even want to go with her real dad anymore and Beau had told real dad that he didn't want to go home with him. So, I know I'll probably regret admitting this, but I just have to get this out one time and then I'll suck it up and go on with my life. I am really sad that this one dream must rest in peace. I'm really sad that these little children had to suffer this loss. I'm really sad that I can't keep them. I'm sad that I won't be their forever home. I'm really sad that I will just be one more wound in their life. It would be really easy to blame it on marrying the wrong person or being too broken myself, but ultimately it wasn't what God wanted for my life. He allowed me to love these children for just a little while. Tonight, I held little Brie close to me and she loved me back calling me mommy. Then Isaiah saw her and quickly came, "Mommy, no!!" Brie got up without being prompted and went and sat on Ken. I allowed Isaiah to have her place. Its a place I never should have given to anyone else. Please join with me and pray that Brietas' new mommy would love her so completely the way she really deserves without anyone else competing with her for the same place. Please pray the same prayer for Karley and Beau. They have very specific needs and while they are not difficult children based on the criteria most children have in foster care they do have some significant challenges to overcome.

I don't plan to foster or adopt any other children in the future. It would be unfair to put my children or any other children through this again. If I get the urge to save any kids in the future I'll walk down the hall to my own kids' rooms.

Praise God that Isaiah did not rage tonight. Praise God for leading us to Marie Ray.