Today, I spoke to a sweet coworker about a former abusive relationship that is trying to make contact with her again. My heart breaks for her. I am amazed at how many women in my life are in, are trying to leave, or have left abusive situations. I am also amazed by how many women do not recognize abuse in their lives. Lastly, those of us who have been abused sometimes do not realize how angry we are over the things we have experienced.
My sister and I had every material possession we could ever want. I think we believed that our home life was typical of other children. However, our parents were both addicts. My father was an alcoholic who was wounded in World War II. He was prone to dropping his broken body from his wheelchair and dragging himself across the floors shouting commands to comrades only he could see. My mother had great difficulty dealing with all of the chaos in our lives so she took large quantities of doctor prescribed Valium and would often leave us for months at a time. She was prone to fits of rage and violence, but this anger was mainly directed at my younger sister. I did all I could to protect my baby sister, but by the time she reached adolescence she had started to rebel against the pain and the abuse. Our experience was atrocious. I think I appraised most of my other experiences based on my childhood situations. If the treatment of others wasn’t as bad as my childhood then it couldn’t be abuse. I saw the same patterns worked out in the life of my sister as she went from one person that didn’t deserve her to another.
It has taken me decades to understand what abuse truly is. Of course, there is blatant abuse. If someone comes and punches my child, I understand this is abuse. But, for a long time, I didn't know that angry and harsh words sometimes do more damage. I pray that women in abusive situations will find freedom and understanding in my story. I still struggle to know which direction I should go at times, too. I don’t always know who to trust, but I do know where God doesn’t want me to go. I know what abuse looks like now, even if it comes wrapped up in pretty paper. Wolves do not advertise. Abuse is abuse even if I go to a pastor and he doesn’t believe me. It is abuse even if the abuser claims it only happened “once” or says I am exaggerating. The truth is that I don’t normally reveal how bad things really are. Nevertheless, if someone believes me or not abuse is still abuse. It is abuse even if it doesn’t happen every day. It is abuse even if the abuser knows more bible verses than I do, volunteers more than I do, and gives more money to the church than I do. It is abuse even if the abuser says he is sorry.
Do you need to know what abuse looks like? Abuse is: Pushing, shoving, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, biting, throwing you, and even breaking a bone. Threatening you, scaring you, or laughing at you. Withholding finances from you. Putting you down or making you feel bad about yourself, laughing at you (telling you they do not like the sound of your voice or the way you sit or the way you walk or the way you dress). Forcing you to have sex or doing sexual things that cause you pain or injury. Allowing others (including their relatives) to put you down, call you names, ignore you, or treat you badly.
God can heal all situations. He works miracles if you seek Him. The first thing you must do is examine your own heart and ask God to heal those places that are broken. My childhood left me broken and susceptible to being abused as an adult. You must forgive the person that has abused you. Forgive those that hurt you when you were a child, too. Ask God to heal the anger. Anger doesn’t help anyone, but makes everything exponentially worse. Anger may also make you act like the abuser and a lunatic trying to get even. Don't. Apologize to your abuser for your anger and let them know you forgive them. Remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean you will allow them to continue to harm you. Find a church where the pastor will believe you when you say you were abused. Tell someone what is happening so that you can come under someone’s protection. Tell me. Come to church with me if you do not have a church!
If your abuser isn’t willing to acknowledge what they have done, God cannot heal them. If your abuser is only willing to say they struggle with anger and can't acknowledge that they have verbally, physically, or sexually abused you, this isn't acknowledging what is actually happening. Their desire to stop hurting you and God has to be greater than their pride. If you do not see this humility and change in them, then walk away. Their entire life and entire character is a lie. Someone that is remorseful that they hurt you, will not wait for you to “out” them. They will go to the counselor and you and confess what they have done with sadness. You will see it in their eyes, actions, AND IN THEIR WORDS. Be wise.
