My weight effected every area of my life. I was acutely aware of every jiggly move I made. Anytime I went to sit in a chair, I had to determine if I would fit in the chair and if the chair would hold my weight. I can't tell you how many times I lied and said I wanted to stand. Then there was the time I sat down thinking the chair was big enough for me and my wide hips became wedged in the chair. I had trouble keeping up with others, and one day almost jeopardized my son's life. He let go of my hand and proceeded to run into the street after his balloon. I was not able to catch him. Thankfully, a man was watching close by and ran ahead of me just in time to catch Alex before he reached the traffic. Amusement parks were a nightmare because I did not fit in the seat and when I did the seat belt wouldn't go around me. The disgusted looks of those in line as I pulled myself out of the chair after being told the belt had to be worn was almost too much. I wondered if they felt sad for me or thankful that they weren't in my position. We won't even discuss the problems someone of my size had with hygiene! Its hard to clean what you can't reach! However, the saddest thing in my life wasn't my physical challenges. I was spiritually starving as a result of my compulsion to overeat. I would wake up in the morning thinking about what I would eat and before breakfast was digested I was already planning my snack. Food consumed my every thought. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my plight so I avoided eating in front of others. I felt guilty as if by being fat I forfeited my right to eat, my right to be human. There were many days I would eat nothing until I came home. Then I would be so hungry that I couldn't stop eating.
I tried every diet and weight loss pill known to man, but was never able to keep the weight off for very long. I even went to a deliverance minister sure that I must have a demon or some other spiritually wicked thing persuading me to stuff myself into oblivion. He had me renounce all generational curses, sins of my parents, sins of their parents, sins of the neighbors, and anyone else they could think of! Several of my well meaning friends told me God was willing to heal me if I would just receive this healing. I was told that my sin kept me fat. My doctor gave me diets and told me I was choosing to eat more calories than my body needed. A wicked endocrinologist mocked me saying, "Surely, you don't think your weight is really a medical problem."
It was never my desire to blame my weight on a medical problem, the sins of generations including my parents, or anything else. I just wanted to be free of the chains that enslaved me. I wanted to be a normal person. I wanted to shop in normal size clothing stores. I wanted the salespeople to acknowledge my existence. I wanted God to acknowledge my existence because surely He must have forgotten me, too. Otherwise, why didn't He hear my cries. I spent years of praying and pleading for help with my problem; I didn't really know where else to turn. I finally made the decision that I would just live my life as a fat person and accept my lot. But, God heard the desperate cries of my heart, met me on the deepest level, rescued me after decades as an obese person, and delivered me from the chains of addiction.
No comments:
Post a Comment