If It Makes You Happy...

If it makes you happy, then why are you so sad?

I started to overeat as soon as I was old enough to chew food. I spent the first two years of my life in Mexico. We lived in San Miguel de Allende where the land was beautiful and the food plentiful! My mother's Hispanic culture revered fat children as being healthy and affluent.  Apparently, I was one of the healthiest and most affluent babies on the block! I contracted the polio myelitis while living in Mexico. My father, certain that medical care was better in the United States, moved us to Austin, Texas.  My mother continued to feed me more food than was needed for my little frame. I believe that I resisted her attempts to force feed me for a while.

We didn't have any friends or family in Austin. My mother didn't speak English and had the appearance of someone from Vietnam. People thought she was Vietnamese. This, in and of itself, isn't a bad thing. However, this was during the Vietnam war era. She suffered significant discrimination. I can see why she would not have trusted anyone. When it was time for my mother to go deliver my baby sister, my mother had little options for childcare for me. She felt she had no choice but to leave me with my adult schizophrenic brother. I experienced some very detrimental things while in his care. I believe this experience created a cavernous emptiness and hurt deep in my heart. I no longer resisted her urging for me to eat. In fact, by the time I was six, I already had the round fullness in my face one would associate with an overweight child. I was also distinctly aware that my weight and my polio made me different. I believed that this difference made me of  less value than other people.  I also carried a profound feeling of shame and evil foreboding. This made me very receptive to developing a food addiction. Knowing what door might have created the doorway for your food addiction is important. Its a key to unlocking your chains.

I am going to share some things about my past at times because its important to understand how we develop these negative patterns.  Addictions and sinful patterns can be traced to unmet need or trauma. I think this is even true for people that cheat on their spouses. Humanity does all kinds of things to have their unmet need fulfilled and to stop the hurt of trauma. When we choose anything to help us, other than God, we are in eminent danger of developing a sinful pattern that is almost impossible to overcome. And yet with God all things are possible!

God began the process of delivering me from food addiction by pulling away one hurt at a time. Slowly, He peeled away the layers of my past and as He did I learned how my negative response to the things done to me birthed sin in my life. I remember how hard it was for me to come to terms with the fact that my eating was a sin. The bible calls it gluttony. It was so much easier to call it a struggle or a medical problem I couldn't control or even an addiction. I do believe that I had given in to the sin of gluttony for so long that I could no longer control it.  Sin has a way of controlling you the longer you resist God and turn to sin. The opposite is true as well. Sin loses its grip on you the more you resist sin and turn to God.  It isn't my desire to condemn anyone and I know it isn't God's desire to reveal sin in your life without giving you a way of escape. God is so kind and merciful and He desires to give you more than a way of escape. He longs to give you a future and a hope and a purpose. He longs to heal your trauma and hurt and meet your unmet needs.

As you read my story, please resist the urge to judge anyone, lest God judge you. We are all capable of similar atrocities apart from the grace and mercy of God almighty. A friend said it best recently. We all live in glass houses and should avoid throwing stones at anyone lest they decide to throw those stones back.

My mother liked to share stories about her life with me.  One day, after sharing some very sad things about her own childhood, she told me she intentionally forced me to eat large quantities of food so I would gain weight. She hoped the added weight would keep me from being molested. My head was still reeling hearing about her life in Mexico. I wasn't sure what to do with the information concerning my weight.  I had just come back from attempting a run around the block in a silver, plastic, sweat suit. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't break free from my weight problem and voracious appetite. I can't remember how old I was when she no longer had to force me to overeat. However, I do know I was still very young when I became addicted to consuming large quantities of food. It was especially painful to learn this lifestyle was chosen for me by someone who was supposed to protect me and teach me the right way to go in life.

Psalm 27:10 Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD cares for me.