Dr. Karen Scott

Alexander's diabetes has been consistently out of range for several weeks now. Its like he has just given up wanting to care for himself. I work now so I can't be there every second to monitor everything he eats and make sure he gives himself his insulin. Even when I am home, he gets up in the middle of the night and will eat and not correct for what he has eaten.

Alexander's sugar when he arrived at Dr. Scott's office was 581 today. She wanted to admit him into the hospital. She did an A1c test with 13 being the worse result possible. Alexander was at a 12.8. I had to work today so, Israel (bio dad) took Alex to her office. Israel told me that Alexander went off on a tirade that he didn't want to ever see Ken again because Ken was mean to him. (We had another incident between Ken and Alex yesterday and a bunch of new puncture wounds to his legs as a result. He had come back almost clean of wounds from the Valley. ) He told Dr. Scott that he didn't plan to take care of himself as long as he was forced to have contact with his former stepfather. Israel, who usually is an abrasive man, just replied, "What do you want to do, ma?" This is exactly how he asked me what I wanted to do about the situation. I know this isn't a child trying to gain his way by manipulating via his health. I really believe this is a little boy who has already told me he isn't able to tolerate a relationship with step dad right now and I am not listening. So, he is upping the anty by forcing me to listen. This is what he had to do when the children were being abused when we still lived with my ex-husband. Alex had to start hurting himself to get me to wake up. Alex believes that if he gets sick and has to be hospitalized he will be safe in the hospital. It is so sad that my son has to go to such extreme measures before I will listen.

The truth is that I am scared to death to let my ex-husband take my youngest without his older brother. I believe that Alex will protect Isaiah. Nevertheless, I shouldn't sacrifice either of the children. I am discontinuing visitation for both children. I went back and reread the divorce decree and I am listed as having sole custody. Ken has visitation rights, but I have sole custody. The attorney there filled it out this way stating this would be best since there was a history of abuse. I really wish I had the money to hire an attorney, but hopefully it won't come to that. Ken doesn't mean to hurt the boys and I know doesn't want the children in turmoil over visits with him. I am sure he will be amicable about this new situation.

In the meantime, I need to find a new church.  My divorce is final now. My church told me if I went through with the divorce, I was no longer welcome there. I have spent my entire life with people making decisions for me. Even the separation and divorce was because the counselor told me I needed to do it. I'm such a doormat it makes me want to slap my own self.  I've spent most of my Christian life trying to find a mature believer to help me with my walk and when I finally found someone that wanted to take an interest in me my church turned it into a list of ultimatums about divorcing my husband, if I could date, and now the terms of my church attendance. Ken said he was going to contact the church about "grounds" for our divorce, but then decided he would rather just leave the church. This leaves me holding the hot potato because this is the children's church. I guess I could take the kids and just sit in the lobby. I mean, what are they go to do? Is it a crime to sit on the couch while my children attend church? I realize that my church fully believes they are doing the right thing. It just saddens me that I went to this church for almost ten years and this is how it ends.

This is just so "Jehovah Witness" that I can't believe its happening. I know it can't possibly be God's will for me not to go to church. Then again, I am just completely exhausted. I just can't seem to get this whole Christian fellowship thing at all. Right now forsaking fellowship seems like self- preservation rather than breaking a biblical mandate. If I could go back and redo this situation... in addition to not making several really stupid choices I made, I think the most important thing I'd do is learn to keep my mouth closed. It really is the best thing to go to church each week, smile happily, claim that life is peachy, and never tell people what you are really going through. I think that is why people struggle with sin for so long. They are scared to death to share it with anyone else for fear they will be judged, gossiped about, or even excommunicated.

I understand why Alex wants to make himself sick so he can stay at the hospital. I think about this myself all the time. It would be so nice to just be able to say "when" because I've really had enough now. I saw an anorexic woman at the mall earlier this week. She must have been in her 20's, but looked older. You could see her skull.. literally. I am sure most people were horrified by her appearance. I envied her and wondered how much more weight I'd have to lose to trade places with her. I know I can easily stop eating now. It would be so easy.

I had the realization that my post has turned into one big wawa session. I do have lots of things to be thankful for. My son doesn't rage anymore. I think this is the greatest miracle of them all. He has serious fits at times that are more severe, in my opinion, than kids his own age; but not rages! He doesn't make me feel frightened of him any longer. He is a blessing and a treasure and an amazing miracle and testimony of what God can do. God do this in Alex, too.