A Difficult Life

Alexander seems to be getting worse. I'm not sure if its an ADHD issue or if its caused by all the trauma in his life. He does things like start to make a peanut butter sandwich and then walk away leaving everything on the counter. He'll start to vacuum or shampoo the carpets and leave the machine in the middle of the room telling me he is done with the task. He leaves his syringes all over the place including on the carpet where baby Brie can reach them. He refuses to check his sugars and will eat anything he wants without correcting with the Insulin as required. He will clean his room and then the room gets completely trashed because he was looking for one book. I am being very literal about this situation without exaggeration. He will remove several shelves of books and they lay on the floor in a disheveled mess. The clothes will be out of the drawers and on the floor. Guinea pig wood shavings all over the place. I'm not sure what the wood shavings have to do with a book, but it happens almost daily. Last night he took three Melatonin at 6 PM and announced he is going to bed. Its like he just wants to check out of having to feel anything. Three Melatonin isn't enough to kill him, but we usually only give him one when he can't sleep. He didn't ask permission and told me he had taken the Melatonin after the fact. Last night at about 2 AM I could hear him crying in his room. I went in to check on him and he told me he just wanted to sleep. Its significantly unlike him to not talk to me about his feelings. This is a connection we have always shared. The therapist believes that he resents me lately because I allowed him to be abused. I talked to Ken about it and he said, "Funny how he doesn't zone out when he wants to watch cartoons or play video games." Yeah, ha ha, its all very funny. In the meantime, Ken has yet to do anything that Pastor Mike indicated he needs to do. That is the "funniest" thing of them all.

The worse thing that Alexander has started doing is taking out his anger and frustration on Beau and even Isaiah at times. Its very ironic that Alex can be completely disassociating one minute and the next he is hitting Beau in the face with his diabetic bag. I reported this to CPS because Beau is retarded and you'd think they would want to protect this little boy. Of course, they really could not care less. They are doing all they can to have the three foster kids remain in my care. I let them know that my son isn't doing well and that he is exhibiting aggression towards Beau. My therapist went so far as to call them and let them know that until we leave, Alex's aggression towards Beau will probably get worse. She also explained to them that Alex is being abused in the most severe and dehumanizing way here. They asked her if the foster kids were being abused. She told them that I am a good foster mom and that the kids are well-protected from the chaos. She called me after she had spoken to the agency. They actually had the nerve to tell her, "What do you think it is teaching Alex if he gets his way in this situation?" She really did think I was exaggerating a bit when I told her they wouldn't remove the kids even if I gave written notice. It was good to be validated. CPS and foster care agencies are the anti-christ. Okay, maybe they aren't the anti-christ, but they really don't care too much about foster children. That has been my experience with them for years now and I have yet to meet someone that has had a different experience. I'm sure there must be someone, but I've yet to meet them.

In the meantime, I'm going through the motions pretending all is well. Its always been this way. No wonder my son resents me. I resent myself, too, and can only pray that God's grace washes over me and eventually allows me to experience my son's forgiveness.  The counselor wants me to give her a date that I plan to move. She told me she was very tempted to tell CPS about Alex's abuse when she spoke to them earlier. Life is so difficult and complicated. I don't want to make these decisions. I don't want to leave my home.

I had a dream the other night. The kids and I were serving together at church. Alex was eating a biscotti and Isaiah was begging for my coffee. We were happy and serving. It doesn't get any better than that. God, please redeem this situation and redeem my life. Help my husband do what he needs to do so we can come home soon. Heal my children and place them in the center of your will.